Monday, November 15th, 2010
This is a state of emergency. I’m filing a ‘missing’ report for the general public’s sense of humour. It’s been missing for a while now and I think it’s time the authorities knuckled down and really got serious (in a funny way) about looking for it. You can’t crack an innocent joke, have an opinion or God forbid, try to throw a little sarcasm around – it all falls flat. Because Sense of Humour has gone AWOL. We need it back. Especially when it comes to me cracking jokes about your dodgy fashion choices.
If you follow my blog or my tweets, you may be aware that I have fairly strong views on what I deem to be acceptable and unacceptable fashion. I’m pretty vocal about it. Yesterday, I tweeted ‘Ladies, if you still own a denim mini skirt, I need you to rethink everything you’ve got going on.’ Some people, who still have a few seedy traces of Sense of Humour in them, entered into what others might say, was a humorous exchange with me. And then there were the people who own denim mini skirts. Oh dear. Apparently, saying you dislike denim mini skirts is akin to calling someone’s first born child ugly. I do beg your pardon – I thought I was just expressing a relatively innocent opinion on Twitter. Someone even referred to me as a bigot. See, this is why they shouldn’t give some people the internet. For the unschooled, please do go grab a dictionary and see whereabouts a dislike of denim mini skirts really ranks on the bigot scale. Go on, I’ll wait…
But here’s the thing, if you own one and you like it, you go ahead and rock that shit. I personally couldn’t really give two craps. If you think you look good, more power to you. I mean, I’m just telling you, as an innocent bystander here that you don’t actually look good, but if you have no interest in my opinion (and really, why should you?), then by all means, continue. Why get so up in arms about it? Over a denim mini skirt. A little perspective wouldn’t go amiss. I’ve been called everything under the sun on this blog; c**t, bitch, twat, some kind bloke the other day even left a comment saying I look like a trannie and a Madonna fan once told me to go kill myself – do I take that personally? Hell no. I laugh them off. It could be argued that those things are a tad meaner than my note about denim mini skirts being neither flattering nor stylish.
If you’re an Ugg wearer, you KNOW they look terrible. Not one person who wears Uggs has ever tried to defend the look of them to me. I could give two shits how comfortable they are – they look atrocious and as a member of society, I just think it’d be nice if people gave a crap about the way they looked. You can go ahead and say that’s shallow but as I’ve discussed many times before on here, the way you present yourself is important and it sends a message. You can say you don’t care, but you’re only lying to yourself.
Someone could jump on here and say they hate people who wear their hair in a bun and wear dresses with heels and red lipstick all the time – and I would laugh. Hell, I know I wear it well and it suits me. It’s how I feel comfortable. Not everyone’s gonna like it. At least I’m not wearing a denim mini skirt, leggings and Uggs – I’m holding myself together better than most.
Don’t preach the ‘we shouldn’t judge people’ bollocks at me either. We all do. And yes, that means you too, so anytime you wanna dismount that high horse and join the rest of us who can appreciate a joke or two, feel free. But if you show up in a denim mini, I’m just giving you a heads up, you will get laughed at.
Tags: denim mini skirts, rants, uggs, uptight people with no sense of humour
Posted in fashion | 20 Comments »
Tuesday, September 28th, 2010
How long are you going to keep this up? Seriously, I really want answers as to how much longer you are going to waddle around in those hideous loaf-of-bread looking mofos. I need an ETA because my patience, which you no-style having footwear abusers have been testing for years now, is running dangerously thin and I don’t have enough hands to bitch slap all of you.
I started this blog in November 2007 and one of my very first posts was about my hatred of Uggs, yet still, you persist. And it’s not even just about you not listening to me. I’m sure plenty of people have told you you look like a dickhead. So why do you never take heed? Your resistance of the inevitable is not respectable or cute, it’s just stupid.
I’ve heard all your excuses countless times before. ‘They’re comfortable’ – alright grandma, be sure to plaster those bunions up before you leave the house too. ‘They’re so warm!’ – Look, I don’t know where you think you’re living, but it’s hardly the arctic. I especially hate it when English Ugg wearers say that – it barely gets below 0 degrees celsius here – that ain’t cold! Eskimos don’t even wear Uggs. I spent three years living in Canada, enduring minus 35 degree temperatures, now THAT’S frikkin’ COLD and I still never resorted to Ugg boots! Lame excuse – next! ‘They’re comfortable’ – didn’t we cover this already?
I tell you what else I find particularly baffling – if I’m out and I see someone wearing the same thing as me, I find it a little cringeworthy. That just doesn’t register for you huh? In a ten minute time span, I can see upwards of 20 girls (and the occasional gay man) wearing Uggs – I wish I was joking. Why are you so content to have zero imagination and look like everyone else? Oh wait, it can’t be that you think you look good. It’s not, right? ‘Cause you look like an idiot. You do know that, don’t you? You look like a no-style having douchette.
You can’t even walk in those things. You waddle. And you wear them so much you’re not even walking on the soles anymore – you’re walking on the side of the boot. In which universe exactly do you think that looks good? And while it is just charming that you always choose to team them with your pajama bottoms or a pair of leggings that show off your ass crack and cameltoe, rest assured, you will not be making it onto any ‘Best Dressed’ lists anytime soon.
If your feet are cold, wear an extra pair of socks, don’t allow suede and excessive amounts of sheepskin to throw up on your feet. If you want to be comfy, suck it up, wear some proper footwear and be comfy when you get home and take them off. Uggs are over, they’ve run their course (and run over it, reversed back over it, Compton drive-by-shooting’d it…). It’s time for you to put a little effort into finding some new footwear. That actually looks good. That won’t make people fly into a bitch slapping frenzy. No go forth and shop!
Sincerely,
Bangs
xoxo
Tags: bad fashion, mistakes, uggs
Posted in fashion | 56 Comments »
Monday, December 21st, 2009
Well, things got really crazy for me in the last quarter of 2009. Overwhelmed with the direction the world was going in (you know, global warming, financial crisis, the over-popularity of Uggs), I decided I needed to change things. So, I whipped the world into shape and I’m proud to say, as we’re about to go into 2011, everything’s looking rosy.
Me and Idris Elba are married and he’s totally cool with me seeing Elliot Stabler from Law & Order SVU, Robert Downey Jr and any man who can speak French on the side. I had it written into our wedding vows that he’d find a way to resurrect The Wire for a few more seasons, so, there’s that.
I met with world leaders to discuss energy efficiency and it was decided that rather than using central heating and such like, people should burn their Uggs to create a natural source of heat. President Obama personally gave me a terrorist fist bump of congratulations for that one.
I had a sit down with Madonna. She managed to detach her crazed fans from her balls for a sec. We have negotiated a deal whereby she will retire within the next five years. She has also agreed to wear a knee length skirt every second wednesday. This will be increased each time she adopts another African baby.
I started running masterclasses on ‘How to Dress Like a Lady.’ This was a major step forward in my ‘No Pants’ campaign (the co-founder of which is Casie Stewart). We have seen a significant drop in the number of women wearing running shoes as regular footwear, leggings, sweats, pajama pants, babydoll dresses and maternity wear on un-pregnant people.
I banned use of the word ‘comfortable’ in regards to fashion for anyone under the age of 60. It’s taking people a while to come round to this, but we have seen more women enroll in my ‘How to Walk in Heels’ classes, which is encouraging.
As part of his therapy, I slept with Tiger Woods to see what all the fuss was about. Results are still inconclusive.
I think my major achievement of 2010 was having ‘bitch slap’ and ‘motherbitch’ added to the Oxford English dictionary. Additionally, now that bitch slapping is no longer a crime (except for the 6 US States in which it is still outlawed), society has become much more tolerable. Pent up frustration is virtually a thing of the past now that you can just give anyone a swift back hand when they’re acting up.
So as you can see, my 2010 was pretty packed, trying to make the world a better place for you people.
Well, must dash. Idris is in the kitchen, naked, cooking for me and I still have to treat the third degree burns he sustained doing that last week. He’ll never learn.
Until next time, ask yourself, what did you do to change the world in 2010?
Tags: leggings, madonna, The Wire, uggs
Posted in life | 11 Comments »
