Posts Tagged ‘snow’

The White Stuff

Monday, January 11th, 2010

I don’t know if you heard, but it snowed in England. If you didn’t hear, kindly tell me where you’ve been hiding so I can join you  and escape this endless yapping about it. See, in England, it’s not just snow, it’s the apocalypse. The entire country has ground to a halt and I swear if I have to have one more conversation about how there’s no gritters, I think I may just rip my ears off.

I get it. Yes, England’s not used to snow, we don’t get it that often, so getting this much of it comes as quite a surprise blah blah blah. But for the love of God, barely two inches of snow had settled before all the schools closed, buses stopped running and people were talking about being ‘snowed in’. Bitch please!

Look, I hate to be all ‘I was born in Canada and just moved back here after spending the last three winters over there’, but that’s what I’m gonna do for a second. In Toronto in the winter, I experienced temperatures anywhere between minus 20 and minus 35 centigrade. That, my friends, is cold. I remember one of the first days I had to venture out in those temps, it was so cold, I just wanted to cry, but I was scared the tears would freeze to my face.

Over there, people just get on with it. You throw on some thermals, shovel your driveway and get on with your life. Here, every single news channel has extensive ‘snow updates’. Newcasters talk about the snow, then they cut to roving reporters in various cities around the country and they always make those poor buggers stand outside. What is the purpose of this kind of coverage? We’re all capable of looking out the window and seeing snow. We don’t need news reporters to go ‘on location’ and point the snow out in every city. We get it!

News reports are saying if you must go out, make sure you wear warm clothes, take a flask, a shovel, a flashlight etc, you know, in case you get stuck or something. Are you serious?! For God’s sake, it’s embarrassing. I get that we’re not usually prepared for it but within a few days, most places seem to have run out of salt or grit which then sends everyone into a flying tizzy and trust me when I say, British people don’t need much of an excuse to complain. It’s an olympic sport over here.

Enough with the hysteria! Just put more layers on and bloody well get on with your day. It’s really not that bad. It’s not even that cold! If it’s still in the plus temperatures, consider it a good day. My nipples froze off in Toronto – there’s still a search party out there looking for them.

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Posted in life | 17 Comments »

Seasonal Wardrobe Affective Disorder

Monday, February 9th, 2009

 

Friends, this blog has sucked giant donkey balls of late and for this, I am sorry. I put it down to one thing and one thing only: the winter is not fun times in the TDot. 

Around mid-December, I tend to just shut it down and say ‘see you in April!’ There is really nothing so important that I should have to leave my house in sub zero temperatures. You expect me to socialize? Oh, guess again, tubby. Ain’t gonna happen. I get up, I go to work, I come home, I write, I go to bed. And that’s it. For four months. I may try to sneak in a dinner here or catch a movie there, but that’s about as far as it goes. 
And the real reason behind it is my own vanity. See, with the shed load of snow that lands here daily, I cannot wear pretty shoes. And you know what, all I have going for me in life right now is pretty shoes. Without that, I’m nothing! Having to wear ugly ass snow boots and an even uglier coat, that basically looks like a duvet with sleeves, is seriously affecting the diva in me. I honestly cannot bear to go out socializing knowing I have to show up looking like the Michelin Man. 
I see girls who are obviously, just as vain as I and go out in a little jacket and wear their nice shoes and while I applaud them, they just look stupid. I tried to wear a normal jacket once last month and my tits literally froze off. I had to send a search party out to find them. And I’ve tried to wear one of my nicer pairs of boots, but they put so much salt on the ground it feels like I’m walking on a pebbled beach. Unless the city of Toronto plans to reimburse me for damaging my footwear, I just can’t justify trying to look cute right now. 
So day in, day out, I’m basically rocking the same outerwear outfit and it kills my soul. I’m thinking about adding a balaclava to the mix to hide my shame altogether. To compensate, I wear really nice underwear. Not that anyone would ever know. It’s too frikkin’ cold to take my clothes off and show anyone. But you know, should I be hit by a bus, or a snow plough, or a giant icicle falling from the heavens and have to be rushed to the hospital, those ambulance guys will get the show of their lives. 
Given my lack of social life, I’m running low on quirky observations, funny stories and people to talk shit about. But I’m trying folks! Hang in here with me, ’cause I’m gonna keep on truckin’. Come the spring, I’ll be on fire again. Oh and there’s a little trip to New York City at the end of March in the works, which is bound to bring some tales of tomfoolery your way! 

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Posted in fashion | 2 Comments »