Sunday, September 21st, 2008
Friday night, I went to see New Kids on the Block. Don’t hate, bitches, don’t hate.
As I’ve mentioned before, the New Kids were the very first concert I went to when I was 9. When I heard they’d reformed and were coming to the T Dot, I knew I had to get a slice of that action.
What made this trip down memory lane even more exciting was that I was going with Nads. Nads and I lived together in Tokyo, then she buggered off to Australia for two years and just moved back to Canada a few weeks ago. The New Kids would mark our official reunion.
For the past few weeks, we had been engaging in a countdown to our childhood dreams come true. There was some debate as to whether we should go to the concert dressed in costume as our nine year old selves. I declined, on account of the fact that a) I was a hot mess when I was nine and b) I still held onto hope that Jordan Knight would pluck me out of the crowd, take me backstage and procreate with me.
We got to the arena and it was packed with chicks equally as pathetic as me. It was reassuring. In front of us, a woman, who looked about 40, had brought her husband and eight year old son. I wonder what they did to deserve that. The kid could not have been less interested. He sat playing games on his dad’s blackberry all night.
We had to sit through Natasha Beddingfield as the support act. By the time she got around to singing that theme tune from The Hills, I was ready to give her a round house kick to the neck. (By the way Natasha, you’re in desperate need of a stylist – call me).
Finally, the lights went down and the stadium erupted. A large screen came on above the stage and text sparked up across it. ‘Fifteen years ago…they walked away,” it said. “But now…they’re back…Are you ready…for The Block?”
“Oh my God, ” said Nads. “I’m about to lose my shit.”
“Lose my shit? I have no shit!” I confess.
And then, when the New Kids/grown ass men came on stage, Nads and I proceeded to scream like pre-teens. And I don’t mean the occasional ‘woop woop’. I’m talking full on, using-all-the-air-in-your-lungs screams. Nads, who hadn’t been allowed to attend the concert back in the day, lost all control of her senses. She jumped up and down, screamed and I think at one point, I saw her cry, but I can’t be sure.
Was the concert cheesy? You’re damn right – it was New Kids on the Block bitches! It was the biggest slice of cheese I’ve ever digested, but it was amazing. The songs were all accompanied by the old dance moves from the videos. Jordan had a solo section involving a wind machine and an open white shirt billowing in the breeze. Yes, hardcore cheese, but did I still want to hurl myself on stage and have my way with him? You’re damn straight I did.
They belted out the classics for two hours. Not much has changed. My love for Jordan remains strong, though I’ve decided Donnie can be my piece on the side.
When all was sung and danced, Nads and I were exhausted from our epic pre-teen scream fest. We were kind of lost for words about how ape shit crazy we went and made a silent promise not to speak of our shameful lust for The Block. That is, until I wrote about it here, of course.
Tags: nads, new kids on the block
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Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
Going to Japan had been a dream of mine since my early teens, so when I was offered a job over there, I was beside myself with excitement. The build up had been huge with intense interviews and endless form filling.
The night before I left, friends dropped by the house as I finished my packing. Packing was a never ending process. The luggage allowance on Japan Airlines was miniscule, so we kept removing things and weighing the bag until all I was left with was, basically, underwear and my toothbrush.
The morning of my flight, my parents drove me to Heathrow. After check-in, it finally hit me just what I was doing. I knew saying goodbye to my parents would be hideous. I’d lived alone in other countries before, but never this far away, never this big a time difference, never not known the language. I decided not to prolong it. If I sat with my parents any longer, I’d never want to leave. I hugged my Mama and wiped her tears. As I went to hug Papa and saw his eyes well up, my heart just about broke.
I had a bad cold and having read up on Japanese culture, was aware that it was considered very rude to blow your nose in public. That made for a pretty uncomfortable 12 hour flight. Every couple of sneezes, I’d have to run to the bathroom to blow my nose. After 5 hours of that, I thought ‘screw this – I ain’t in Japan yet’ and decided to stay put whenever I had to clear mucous.
I was told that someone from the company I’d be working for would come meet me at the airport and take me to the apartment. I got off the plane and no one was there to meet me. I tried to ask someone but couldn’t find anyone who spoke English. I found this odd – shouldn’t the ability to speak a second language be a requirement to work in an airport?
Eventually, I found the person sent to meet me. She bundled me on a train into central Tokyo, where I’d be met by someone else, who’d take me on the subway to my apartment. It took over an hour to get into Tokyo and my jaw was on the floor the entire time. It was such a visual assault, the epitome of ‘bright lights, big city’.
I got to the subway station and was concerned for a second about how my guide would find me, until I realized I was the only white person on the platform and was about a foot taller than everyone else.
October in Tokyo was considerably warmer than October in London, so my multiple layers had me on the verge of passing out as we crammed into the rush hour subway train. There’s no better initiation to Tokyo life than to dive right into the sardine-tin-train-thing, but right after a 12 hour flight, it’s a little brutal.
We finally made it to my apartment and rang the doorbell. A 5’11” gorgeous blonde answered the door. This was Nads, my new roommate. We sat at the dining table and both pulled out our MacBooks. The bond was instant. We chatted as I emailed people back home to let them know I’d arrived safely. Nads had just arrived two weeks earlier, so was still high off the newness herself.
And then, after I’d been in the apartment not even half an hour, everything started to shake. Yep, my very first earthquake.
Welcome to Japan!
To be continued…
Tags: earthquakes, Japan, nads
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Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
Before she left Japan, my roommate, Nads, was determined to go on the ‘World’s Biggest Ferris Wheel’ in Yokohama. I don’t have the stats on hand, but I seriously doubt it’s the biggest in the world. ‘Biggest’ from a Japanese perspective, maybe, but not in the world. Anywho, I agreed to go with her.
Neither of us had spent much time in Yokohama, which is only about a half hour outside Tokyo. I met her there after work. It was already dark and raining. We had no idea how to get to the famed Ferris wheel, though we could see it in the skyline, so we just followed that. Needless to say, we got completely lost. But we did manage to see some of the other sights Yokohama has to offer, such as ‘the Tallest Building in Japan’. (Seriously Japan, you gotta stop with the hyperbole already. That ‘tallest building’ was maybe 20 stories).
Eventually, we found ourselves in a fairground, so we figured we must be nearing the elusive Ferris wheel. The rain was now coming down pretty hard and a strong wind had joined it, leaving both Nads and I with pretty unsightly hair.
The fairground was like a ghost town. It was eerie how all the rides were going but no one was on them. Thinking back, it was probably because most people had the good sense to know that those weather conditions, plus fairground rides, would not equate to a good time.
Eventually we found it and climbed a few flights of stairs to the Ferris wheel (that’s why it’s the biggest Japan, because you didn’t build it from ground level – cheaters!)
Not surprisingly, there was no line. We walked straight up, paid and got on. The wheel started moving. We got up about 20 feet when a huge gust of wind sent our carriage rocking violently in mid-air.
Nads and I gripped our seats as we swung out of control. I really didn’t feel like plummeting to my death, especially when I was having such a bad hair day. All I could think was ‘I hope this isn’t some London Eye shit that takes 30 minutes to go round once.’
We were on the World’s Largest Ferris Wheel, on the world’s windiest day, in the world’s most earthquake prone country. Fun times.
As the wheel edged higher and higher, I couldn’t believe that whoever was operating this machine wasn’t trying to get us down as quickly as possible. Wasn’t there a big button that said ‘ABORT!’ somewhere? Screw getting my money’s worth – I’m trying to live! Get me down bitch!
After what seemed like 2 years, the wheel got back to its starting point.
Nads and I got off, our legs like jelly beneath us. We then went back to the World’s Smallest Apartment after what appeared to be the World’s Biggest Waste of Time.
Tags: death defying experiences, ferris wheel, Japan, nads
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Thursday, November 29th, 2007
When I was in Japan and heard about Onsens, I immediately wanted to go. Outdoor hot springs just sound so relaxing. Then my students told me you had to go nude. This threw me off somewhat. It seems very un-Japanese to get butt naked and frolic around in water. But whatever – I was down to nude it up.
So, on our day off, me and my roommate, Nads, decided to venture to an Onsen. Our new roomie had just moved in, so we invited her along because we thought nudity would make that whole ‘getting to know you’ thing easier.
We caught a train to Hakone, which is a couple of hours outside Tokyo. Once there, we found out the Onsen was up in the mountains so we had to catch a bus. We were told to wait in the middle of this bridge and the bus would be along in about 10 minutes. As none of us had planned on ending our lives that day, the ‘middle of the bridge’ instruction lacked appeal. But we walked there and waited. Cars whizzed past us as we huddled at the edge of the road (of course, there was no sidewalk). We started to think this was a cruel joke the Hakone natives played on foreigners.
Soon enough, the bus came. As if waiting for the bus wasn’t hazardous enough, the driver had a death wish and drove like Mel Gibson on a bad night up the steep, narrow, winding streets.
Ten minutes later, we arrived and got off the bus, a bit shaky from the wild ride we’d been treated to.
It was the equivalent of $5 for a whole day at the Onsen. On the way to the changing rooms, they gave us towels and robes. We stripped down, donned the robes and began to walk outside. An employee stopped us and started babbling. She was an older Japanese woman and we couldn’t understand a word she was saying. We looked at each other and shrugged, then realized she was speaking Portuguese. Great. As if the English/Japanese language barrier wasn’t enough to burst your brain. Yet the more she talked, the less the words mattered. It became clear she was trying to tell us we couldn’t wear the robes outside – we had to parade out there in the buff.
This woman became a kind of ‘house mother’ to us due to our complete and very obvious lack of knowledge of Onsen etiquette.
So, slowly we disrobed and readied ourselves for our nude debut.
Now, I’m not body conscious, but letting all my alabaster skinned goodness hang out in front of a bunch of Japanese women, who are bones with a little skin wrapped around them, was a little daunting. Nads and I (who are normal sized people, I might add) thought we’d look like a couple of heifers. (The new roomie was Asian, so her tiny frame would blend right in).
The towels they gave us were no bigger than dishrags. You could cover one nipple at a time, your groin or half a butt cheek.
Brave Nads led the troops to the great outdoors. Once outside, we were greeted with the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It was nothing short of breathtaking. [Cue harp music] We were up in the mountains, pools of hot springs dotted about, trees and flowers everywhere to shade you, steam rising from the water and rays of sunshine peeking through the trees – it was like something out of a fairy tale.
After taking a moment to absorb all that, we got in one of the hot springs to relax. But then, something became increasingly hard to ignore – Japanese women have never heard of bikini waxing or a good ol’ Trim ‘n’ Shape.
‘Holy Jesus! What is going on with the pubes?’ I say to Nads.
‘I know!’ She says while averting her eyes from some woman’s offending jungle. We then hatch a plan to import Trim ‘n’ Shapes, become traveling saleswomen and sell them at Onsens.
We laze around at the Onsen for a few hours and then decide to take the bus back down to the town and have a look around. We explored and did a little souvenir shopping then got on a train that’d take us on a tour up in the mountains.
The train didn’t seem to go anywhere. It just zigzagged up and down the mountain. People were getting off at the stops as if this was their regular route. Every time someone got off, we debated; ‘what are they doing? Who the hell lives here? There’s nothing but hill and trees damnit.’ We put this down as another conspiracy theory to confuse the hell out of foreigners.
People neglected to tell us that Onsens make you very lethargic, so when we were on the mountain train to nowhere, it was all we could do to keep our eyes open. The higher we got, the more intense my headache. Since we didn’t know where the hell we’d end up, we thought we should get off at the next stop, cross the platform and go back down.
On the descent, there were a bunch of schoolgirls in the next carriage over. (Where the hell was this mountain school?) The girls saw us and started giggling and waving in true Japanese schoolgirl fashion. We waved back. Then they started rummaging around in their bags. A couple of minutes later, they had written a note and held it up against the window between the carriages.
“You are cute,” it said.
We found some paper and wrote back. “So are you.” This was greeted with fits of giggles and bows from the girls.
“Where are you from?” They wrote.
“England, Canada and Australia”
“Do you like Japanese food?”
This conversation went on for an age. We were scribbling on random scraps of paper (they were much more organized with a seemingly endless notebook specifically reserved for meeting random foreigners on mountain trains).
At one point, the whole of our carriage seemed to be involved in our note passing. There was a group of Chinese tourists sitting near us. As I was writing and my pen seemed to be running out, new roomie, who can speak Cantonese said ‘This guy says he’s got a pen you can borrow if you need one.’ Go team!
The never-ending train ride finally came to a halt and the schoolgirls took some pictures with us on their cell phones.
We boarded the train back to Tokyo, refreshed but exhausted. We hit Tokyo just in time for rush hour. Ahh, how we’d hate to miss that. While on the subway squished between an armpit and a briefcase, I fantasized about my new life as a Trim ‘n’ Shape saleswoman. I’d bring pubic jungle freedom to all and be hailed as a Japanese national hero.
Tags: Japan, Japanese chicks, nads, onsens, tokyo, trains
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