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In the Midnight Hour
Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009
I have a habit of falling asleep with the TV on and waking up to CNN en Espagnol, confused as hell. I need noise to fall asleep. Not living-in-Heathrow’s-flight-path-level noise, just a gentle hum of somethingness to lull me into snooze mode. So in an effort to stop drifting off to the sweet sounds of Law & Order: SVU and having night terrors about weirdo, doll-collecting criminals lurking in the New York night (don’t ask), I’ve been on a mission to find something to fill the void.
Everyone’s natural response to this dilemma is music. But music for me, at the moment, is a no no. I’m going through a phase where it just annoys me. Not all music irritates me, but for me to go through all my music and create a suitable playlist of music-to-fall-asleep-to that doesn’t annoy me, is the type of thing a crazy cat lady does. And I’m not one of those. Yet.
So, I have ventured into the mysterious world of ambient sounds. I downloaded an iPhone app called, believe it or not, ‘Ambiance’ and spent some time scrolling through the various sounds available to weirdo freaks like myself that can’t just fall asleep like normal people. ‘German Street Market’ was the first one that came up. Hmm, too much hustle and bustle. Might make me want to shop. Nope. Next up was the ‘Spanish Pine Forest’ – ugh, too many chirpy birds. Nope. Following that there’s the ‘Chinook Helicopter’ – it was around this time that I realised some people’s idea of relaxation differs vastly from mine. Then came ‘Commercial Dishwasher’ – are you kidding me? Who came up with this shit?
Then it was just bad sound after bad sound. ‘Babies laughing’ – yeah seems nice, but my theory is that all babies start crying at some point and I don’t need to experience that until I’m a mother myself. I sure as heck won’t be falling asleep to it. Then came ‘Montevideo’ which is a combination of people speaking in foreign tongues and birds chirping. No thanks. Then of course there’s ‘Bald Eagle’ which involves more birds chirping, except it’s kind of an angry bird. Or I could go with the ‘BMW 320D’ which sounds like rapid fire bullets aimed straight for your brain or ‘Challenger Tanks’ which makes you feel like you’re in a war zone. Yeah, that’s bound to bring sweet dreams.
I could have gone with ‘Mountain Wolves’ – why not? I’m sure everyone wants to fall asleep to the howls of a creature that, given the opportunity, would rip your face off.
Then finally, I found my sound. I opted for ‘Walk Through a Rainy French Forest’. Rain, footsteps and the occasional chirping bird has been lulling me to sleep for the past week or so like you wouldn’t believe. Oh sure, you may think the footsteps would freak me out, but what you don’t know is that they belong to my imaginary, very hot French boyfriend who is giving me a piggy back through said French Forest to keep my high heels dry. He’s a real giver like that.
Tags: music, noise, random sounds
Posted in music | 11 Comments »
The Sound of Music
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
I have a few phobias. I’ve got the bog standard fear of spiders, but I also have some odd ones, including my now infamous fear of oranges. Recently, I’ve developed a weird intolerance to music that is driving me nuts.
I’ve always had an slight issue with noise. Specifically, things like children’s toys that play a song over and over. I can’t stand it. It’s rare that I find myself in the presence of highly irritating kid’s playthings, but if I do, I will dive across the room looking for the ‘off’ switch and if that fails, I will throw the damn thing out the window.
But recently, this has extended to music of any sort. And this is annoying, because I love music! I’m not sure how or why this has come about, but I can barely listen to anything without it driving me nuts. Part of this is because I have a thing about repetition and when I really listen, I become hyper aware that music is essentially the same four or so chords repeated throughout a song.
The other night, I was having dinner with the fam with some Bob Marley playing in the background. We were having a great conversation, but all I could hear was the music. Literally, everything else around me tuned out and all I could focus on was this repetitive bassline piercing through my soul – and not in a good way! I became very anxious and eventually had to ask for the music to be turned off – this almost got me banished from my family. I had to beg and plead: ‘No, no! I love Bob Marley! I just have this weird thing about music right now. I can’t listen to it! I’m sorry!’
A few weeks ago, my mother and I went to see Breakfast at Tiffany’s at an old movie theatre near us. It’s one of my favourite movies. I haven’t watched it for a while. Just as I was getting into watching Miss Hepburn do her thing, all I could focus on was how many times Moon River played through the movie. It’s everywhere. It’s actually pretty much the only song in the movie, just with a slightly different arrangement for different occasions. Again, I got anxious, my heart was beating super fast. I thought I would have to leave the cinema. It’s ridiculous!
And I know it’s ridiculous, yet I don’t know how to stop it or why it even started. It has eased off a little bit over the last couple of weeks. It was at its worst when I first moved back here from Canada, so I attributed it to the stress of the move. And it’s just going to get worse in the run up to Christmas, because Christmas music sucks the biggest donkey balls of all.
Well, now you all know I’m nuts. Share something nutty about yourself in the comments, just so I don’t feel like such a crazy freak. Please?
Tags: annoying things, music, phobias
Posted in music | 9 Comments »
R.I.P
Friday, June 26th, 2009
Like so many others, Michael Jackson pretty much defined my childhood.
When the news of his death broke yesterday, I honestly found it hard to choke back tears. For a man who put so much heart into his music, it was very difficult to imagine that heart would ever stop beating.
The Bad Album was the first album I ever bought (well, was bought by my parents for my brother and I to share), on cassette tape, naturally. I think we literally played that thing to death.
I remember the premier of the Black & White video being broadcast on regular TV. Not a music channel, regular prime time TV. That was fucking huge in England. I think everyone in the country was glued to their TV that night and it was all we talked about at school the next day.
I remember the Remember The Time video, pausing it and slow motioning it until I had every dance move down.
I remember being in Dublin, watching him on Oprah. That interview seemed to stop the world for a minute.
I remember seeing the footage of his Motown 25 performance where he did the moonwalk for the first time and feeling just as electrified as I would have been had I been there myself.
I have watched more variations of the Michael Jackson story than I thought were possible. There was a time when I could have quoted the The Jackson Five Story movie word for word.
Yesterday, for an hour or so, there was complete confusion as to whether he had passed or not, with all news outlets seeming to report different things. About twenty minutes after all the major news channels seemed to confirm it, a funny thing happened. Michael Jackson started blaring from the radio. I turned it up. There wasn’t a soul in my office that wasn’t tapping their foot, nodding their head and singing along. And there is his legacy.
So I would like to thank the God that is Michael Jackson for enriching my life and my iPod. Thank you Sir. Heaven is about to have one hell of a party.
Tags: Michael Jackson, music, R.I.P, sad days
Posted in music | 1 Comment »
Things Which Must Stop – The Music Edition
Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
Lady Gaga
I’m not all the way sure what her deal is, so this is more of a preemptive strike. I sense I will have enough of her in the very near future, so she may as well stop now. While I respect that she’s ‘out there’ and going against the grain and pushing the fashion boundaries and all that bollocks, it all seems a bit forced and fake and well, made for 18 year old girls who work at American Apparel to drool to. I also dislike that she enjoys being in public wearing just a leotard. If she starts a trend with that shit, I don’t think I could handle it. I really need for people to wear pants.
Soulja Boy
Somewhere in the world right now, DJ Kool Herc, Grandmaster Flash, Big Daddy Kane and numerous others are banging their heads against walls wondering how the hell this dip shit has risen from obscurity to make some of the worst trash to ever hit the airwaves. This new generation of rappers can go to hell. With their crazy dances and their radio jingle hits. I will personally be first in line to slap some sense into every 14 year old who has bought this fool’s record. And I’ll slap their mothers too. Yeah, I said it.
Eminem
What’s that? Eminem is back on the scene? Oh, I must have missed that due to me not giving a shit. From the come back single, it sounds like the same old, same old. Maybe he should just stick to producing. It’s not even so much him releasing music that bothers me. It’s that it must be accompanied by his visual. And God damn! What the hell happened to his face? Seriously. I mean, he was never the best looking dude, but um, something looks a little off. And frankly, it scares me. I’m gonna need for him to get that fixed before attempting to be in the public eye again.
Tags: Eminem, Lady Gaga, music, Soulja Boy, things which must stop
Posted in music, things which must stop | 5 Comments »
iPod Secrets
Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
My ridiculously good taste in music (and everything else) has been well documented on this here blog. But there are some songs on my iPod, that I will inadvertently turn the volume down on, if I think that there’s the possibility someone on the train might hear it. We all have them, our iPod secrets. Those songs that are OK behind closed doors, but you don’t want anyone to know that you actually listen to them.
Well, I’m busting the lid of this bad boy and letting you in to, what I like to call, my ‘turn it down nuggets’.
I’m Gonna Love You a Little Bit More – Barry White
Let it be said, I love me some Barry White. And I love this song, but the opening bars make me blush. If I’m listening to this on the train, I often have to just skip it, for fear that if I let it play, I’ll start dancing seductively against some unsuspecting businessman on his morning commute. Good Lord, I’m getting a bit flustered just thinking about it. Oh Barry…
I’m a Slave For You – Britney Spears
Every time this comes on my iPod, I think ‘how the hell did this get here?’ and yet, I am yet to take it off. I don’t even like the song and still it remains, just popping up on my shuffle every now and then to taunt me.
Having anything by R Kelly anywhere near my iTunes makes me need to Purell my entire body. It’s sick and wrong. But this song (‘my mind’s telling me no, but my boooooddddyyyyy, my boooooddddddyyyyy’s telling me yeeeeheeeessss’), you can’t listen to that in public. Ugh, I can’t believe I just admitted to having that on my iPod – I need ’90s R’n'B singer rehab.
I’m not ashamed to admit that my love for Phil runs deep. Sussudio is the shit! WHAT?! I just have to turn the volume down when this comes on my rotation and I’m in public because I will throw down to some Sussudio. Don’t test me.
Step By Step – New Kids on the Block
Fellow Block fans can affirm this for me: is is just me, or are the opening couple of bars on this track just insanely loud? I have tried to just let this play on my iPod while I’m on the train because, let’s face it, it’s a great fucking track (it’s OK if you’re still in denial – you’ll come around eventually), but I get strange looks from people (the ‘Block Haters’). Bedroom = fine. Train = not so much.
So come on – I shared mine. Tell me your iPod turn-’em-down nuggets in the comments.
Tags: Barry White, britney spears, music, new kids on the block, phil collins, R Kelly, sussudio
Posted in music | 6 Comments »
Dear Mr Kanye West
Tuesday, March 24th, 2009
Hi. How are you? Uh huh, yeah, listen. I’m gonna need for you to stop. Stop everything. Like seriously, drop everything you’re doing right now and take a vacation.
That’s right. Drop that giant chip on your shoulder and your gargantuan attitude and just go to a deserted island somewhere to reflect on your douchbaggery.
The schtick is getting old. You are beyond annoying. You don’t have to mention how you are the savior of music/mankind/fashion/endangered species/the universe every time you open your mouth. We get it. Your ego knows no bounds and you are proud of that. 10-4. If you’re not going to progress and find something new to say, maybe you should just stop for a while, or you know, forever.
What is kick starting this latest rant, you ask? That fucking ridiculous afro-mullet you’ve taken to rocking. That’s what. I don’t doubt that you have a wholehearted defense of how you are a pioneer in the fashion arena and how you don’t care what people think because you ‘start’ trends blah blah blah. Whatever. You look like a wanker. Which is actually pretty appropriate, because you are one. There’s no need to disguise yourself with a normal hair cut. It’s probably best that you package the goods in an honest way.
Also, you’re not really pioneering anything at this point. Your Heartbreak/808 whatever album? You just used a vocoder, which in case you hadn’t noticed, was used by every other artist in your genre last year, before you did it. In case we’re not clear, that would make you a follower, not a leader.
I rebuke it all Kanye. I rebuke it! Take your denim-on-denim with leather gloves combo and shove it. Take your overpriced sneaker collection for Louis Vuitton and shove that somewhere too. Take that vocoder and, if there’s any room left, shove that too.
That is all. As you were.
Tags: douchebags, kanye west, Lame dudes, music
Posted in music | 4 Comments »
Musical Villains of 2008
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
If I wasn’t forced to listen to the radio at work, most of the shite music of this year would have blissfully passed me by. I could have stayed in my cocoon of Ready for the World, Chaka Khan, The Police and Prince and never had my ears assaulted by the horrors of pop music.
Radio is just a vortex of tacky, salty balls that will make you go crazy. Here are some of the ‘artists’ that have driven me to the brink this year:
Katy Perry
So, I don’t know if you heard, but this chick kissed a girl and apparently, she liked it. So much so that she wrote this piece of shit song that made you want to wipe out womankind, just so she couldn’t make out with anyone else and write a follow up. I swear, if I hear this song one more time, I am not responsible for my actions.
Pink
When you have to constantly proclaim that you are a ‘rock star’ with your ‘rock moves’, you just come off as the sad kid in class who desperately wanted to run with the cool crowd, which is exactly what you are. In this extremely irritating mess of a song you say, many times that you want to start a fight. Well, are you looking for an opponent? Because I will take you down, bitch. Hey Pink, I heard you’re really big in Australia. Maybe you should move there. Forever. Just a thought.
Every tacky, watered down rock group
Too many to mention here, but specifically, Nickleback and that dude who won American Idol with your soppy rocky love songs – enough already! Rock music has died a sad, sad death.
Lil Wayne
It has perplexed me all year how this fool has somehow become number one on every list imaginable. Seriously, can someone put together a very comprehensive list detailing a) how this happened, b) why I should give a shit and c) how we can make it stop.
Beyonce
Or Sasha Fierce, or whatever the hell she wants to call herself these days. The year stayed quite blissfully Beyonce-free for the most part, but we should have known she was busy concocting new ways to annoy us. And she came a-cropper with ‘Single Ladies’ which has spawned a thousand of these, which is enough to drive anyone to the edge.
Britney
Apparently, the medication she’s on has made her develop a terrible stutter. Womanwomawomawomanizerwowomanizerwowomanizerwowowomanizer. Whew. That is one nasty ass side effect.
Miley Cyrus
…………………..and that about covers that one.
Mariah Carey
She wanted us to ‘touch her body’. Thanks, but I’ll pass. And put on some clothes, for Christ’s sake!
Usher
He wanted to ‘make love in the club’. You don’t make love in a club, Usher. You fuck skanky hos in a club.
Auto-Tune
2008 was the year of Auto-Tune, otherwise known as that annoying voice distorter thingy that everyone and their mama was using on tracks. T Pain has Auto-Tune to thank for his entire career.
Amy Winehouse
Not so much a songstress anymore as much as she is a walking ‘just say no’ campaign. What the hell happened? In the space of 12 months, Crackhouse has aged 30 years. 2009 will probably see this queen of all crackheads on a televised intervention, offering $20 blowjobs in Camden or releasing a track with T Pain and his Auto-Tune in a desperate attempt to stay relevant.
Let us pray that 2009 has some better music in store. So, who made it onto your musical villains list this year?
Tags: music
Posted in music | 9 Comments »
Hip Hop a Hippy to the Hippy the Hip Hip Hop and Ya Don't Stop
Sunday, December 7th, 2008
Friday night, I went to see Q Tip in concert. Two points: a) if you haven’t got his new album, The Renaissance, go get it and b) if you’ve never seen him live, go do it.
It was, quite simply, the best show I’ve ever been to. And I’ve been to some pretty damn good shows.
One thing that never fails to irk me at hip hop shows though, is the insistence upon the crowd to make some noise.
When the first support act came on, that’s apparently, all they wanted us to do. After each song (and occasionally in the middle of a song) they would tell us to ‘make some motherfuckin’ noise’. I’m not sure how one goes about making ‘motherfuckin’ noise’. I’m not entirely sure what would constitute ‘motherfuckin’ noise’ to be honest with you and I’m not sure I want to know. They also requested that we make ‘Goddamn noise’ a few times. Is that different from ‘motherfuckin’ noise’? And if so, how?
Honestly, if I knew what it was, I would try and make it for you. I can do a mean round of applause. Sometimes, if I’m really impressed, I’ll even lift my hands above my head while clapping. I can clap in time to the beat, which, as we all know, is a major accomplishment for a white person. I can do a ‘woo’ every now and then and on occasion, I have been known to bust out a prolonged ‘WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!’ But ‘motherfuckin’ noise’? I’m not sure I can muster that up for you. Would it involve me learning how to do the fingers-in-mouth-whistle? Because that is notoriously hard for a girl.
Anyway, when the next support act, The Cool Kids, came on, they just required us to ‘make some noise’. It didn’t have to be ‘motherfuckin” or ‘Goddamn’ noise, just ‘some’ noise, was sufficient. I appreciated them not putting too many demands on me as a spectator.
When Q Tip came out, he didn’t ask for a thing, he just got on with it. Performed his ass off. And I danced and danced. And about half way into his performance, when the opening bars of ‘Check the Rhime’ played, I officially lost my shit. And I believe at that point, I made a whole lot of ‘motherfuckin” and ‘Goddamn’ noise.
Tags: hip hop, music
Posted in music | 2 Comments »
Party at Mine Tonight, I'll Bring the Taser
Monday, March 3rd, 2008
Gone are the days of having a ‘ladies night’ at your friend’s house, where some woman comes over to sell you frilly knickers and dildos. Forget having a prim and proper gathering with the Avon lady. The latest exercise in female bonding is the taser party.
Self defense is now sexy. Who wants to sweat it out for hours at Krav Maga when you can just tase the crap out of somebody?
Coming in a variety of styles, from fuchsia pink to leopard print, you can coordinate your weapon of choice with your outfit. Marketing genius, I think we’ll all agree. It’s so lame, I would say ‘someone shoot me now’, but I don’t want to risk some prissy bitch with a plaid print taser gun stepping out of the shadows and taking me up on it.
I’m not sure I fully understand the logic behind the taser party. How do you test the merchandise? Does some poor bugger have to volunteer to be tased? Talk about pulling the short straw.
I’m a lover, not a fighter, so excuse my ignorance, but are tasers even legal?
The customized taser just scratches the surface of weapons aimed at women. Don’t even get me started on the Hello Kitty rifle. And there was me thinking we were the fairer sex. Oh well. Tase on, if you must, sisters. Tase on.
And the world, as we know it, is forever changed
Sometimes it’s hard not to get depressed when you consider that George W Bush has actually been in power for eight whole years, global warming, the Israel-Palestine conflict, Iran’s nuclear weapons, genocide in Darfur, AIDS all over Africa, wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. But the news this week that Crocs has seen a 161% increase in profits, to $168m, is proof that the world, is well and truly, on its ass.
American Boy
Stop whatever you are doing immediately and report to the dance floor! This new single, by my girl Estelle, is gonna be huge. Estelle has been around for a long time, working her way up that ladder and is finally getting her dues. She’s the first artist on John Legend’s label, Home School and she thoroughly deserves every ounce of success that’s coming to her. If you don’t know, get to know, because this London girl is about to get very big talking about her American Boy.
Warning: It is impossible to get this song out of your head!
Tags: crocs, estelle, music, tasers
Posted in fashion | 5 Comments »