Posts Tagged ‘more food’
Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
Last week, in a moment of madness, I decided to do a detox. I researched and found one that I thought would work. Maybe I missed the small print, but it turned out to be a no food diet.
Everything was to be in liquid form. I could drink water. Lots of it. I could drink water with this green formula mixed into it. And water with an antioxidant berry formula mixed in. I could have homemade vegetable soup and I could juice vegetables at lunch time. I don’t know if you’ve ever juiced vegetables, but let me tell you, it doesn’t matter what combination of vegetation you pick to blend together, they all taste like ass.
This particular detox was supposed to be for 21 days. I realised in my preparations, that there was no way I would last that long. There were seven day and two day options too. I picked the seven day and on monday morning, I started. I kicked my morning off with a glass of water, another glass of water with berry formula in it and some herbal tea. Surprisingly, it kept the hunger at bay. Then, every two hours, I had to have water and tea and either green formula or berry formula. Most of the day was fine, until about four thirty when my stomach began eating itself.
Watching my coworkers have an afternoon snack of chocolate chip cookies (my favourite!), made a single tear trickle down my cheek. I missed chewing. I revised my action plan and decided that for the safety of myself and others, I would now be doing the detox for two days.
I left work and had to find ways to keep my mind off eating my own arm. Reading through the detox book, it said that detoxing was as much for the mind and the soul as it was for the body. I was reading all these testimonials from people who said they found this unprecedented level of mental clarity. I need some of that, I thought. Maybe I should focus on my mind, as opposed to what this was doing to my body. I decided to try some meditation.
Now, given, I have not been trained in meditation and on the few occasions I have tried it, I have not been successful. I don’t get how people can just switch their brain off. But to stop my fantasies of tackling the first person on the street I saw with a hotdog, I thought I should try to connect with a higher power.
Here’s how my meditation went:
ommmmmm. Do people say ‘ommm’ when they start meditating? Who knows? Anyway, peace and harmony, peace and harmony. Don’t think about food. Joy, happiness. Don’t think about food. Damn, I could murder a cookie right now. I could murder five cookies right now. I could murder myself for even attempting this detox. Oh, damn – peace and harmony and all that shit. Ommmm. Ahh, damnit, I forgot to do that thing at work. I’ll have to take care of that tomorrow. I could really use a new jacket. Like a really nice winter jacket. Not a down one. They all look the same. Every winter coat looks the same. Ugh. I bet Vivienne Westwood does a coat that is not the same. I don’t even know where they sell Vivienne Westwood in Toronto. I don’t even know what body part I would have to sell to afford a Vivienne Westwood coat. Maybe I could sell my liver. It’s gonna be mighty clean after this detox. Peace and harmony. Peace and harmony. Higher ground. I would love a cup of tea. Real tea. Not that herbal shit. Who the hell decided it was a good idea to make raspberry flavoured tea anyway? Crazy bastard. Earl grey should be the only kind of tea that exists. Maybe I could turn the TV on. I bet that’s frowned upon when you’re trying to meditate. Project Runway’s about to start though. Tim Gunn can make me reach a higher plain. Oh damnit, stop thinking! Peace and harmony. Happy happy joy joy. OK. Seriously. Stop thinking……………………………………………..Christ on a bike, how does the Dalai Lama do this shit every day? And does he ever wear anything but those robes? At least Catholic priests just get decked out for mass, the rest of the time they get to wear all black – very Karl Lagerfeld when you think about it. I bet the Dalai Lama chills at home in a wife beater and basketball shorts. Mmmm. Basketball. Tall men. Shorts. I need a massage. From a basketball player. In shorts. Or a short german woman who punches my back. Whichever’s cheaper. I’m guessing the german. I love Christmas lights. I’m gonna clean the bathroom after this. I’d like to have a few bonsai trees. Get all ‘Mr Miyagi’ up in here. Who could be my Daniel San? I need to defrost my freezer. Oh, I have that chicken in the freezer. I can make a mean stir fry with that. Shit! Not for the next 48 hours I can’t! Ahh, peace and harmony. Yada yada. Is Project Runway on yet?
As you can see, meditation is not my forte. I lasted about seven minutes. I did get through my second day of detox however. But on wednesday morning, I woke up with the shakes. The backlash from my body. Let me tell you, cornflakes and my cup of Earl Grey (milk, one sugar) never tasted so good.
Tags: crazy ideas, detox, food, meditation, more food, the body
Posted in life | 8 Comments »
Monday, October 13th, 2008
This weekend was Thanksgiving (I don’t know why we have it in October. I sense it’s because Canadians feel an intense need to do everything before Americans, to prove some kind of point. I’m surprised they haven’t bumped up the birth of Christ to get in there before the Yanks too).
After a few days of being knocked out with a cold, I was looking forward to a feast. We’d organised a pot luck at my friend’s house. I went over there early to cook my scallop potatoes (which, in case your wondering, kick some serious tater ass). Over the course of the day, stragglers came through with their dish of choice and around 8pm, we all sat down to a righteous feed.
Thirty minutes later, we had inhaled any food stuff in sight and lay semi-passed out in the living room. As the night wore on, my cold started to get worse. I was feeling congested and gross and figured it was time for me to peace out and get some rest. It was 10pm when I left and was humid out, but I wrapped up nonetheless. I unlocked my bike and it fell over. Great start. I struggled to pick it up, gathered myself and got on for my twenty minute ride home. I don’t have a helmet and haven’t put lights on my bike yet – oh, I like to live on the edge my friends.
Any sort of physical exercise is tough when you have a cold. I was wheezing like an 80 year old man. I finally made it home and scared the crap out of myself when I looked in the mirror. The humidity had brought my Irish girl afro out in full effect. I was suffocating myself. I waded through my hair and made it upstairs, only to realise my phone was missing.
I had a flash back to my bike falling over when I unlocked it and imagined my poor phone must be wallowing in the grass somewhere over by my friend’s house. I then had a glimpse into my future of going to the phone shop to attempt to get a new one. I don’t need that drama – the less I have to do with my cell phone company, the better. I had no choice. I would have to cycle back over there and hope some passerby hadn’t stolen it already. I threw my hair up into Bangs and a Bun (what’s that? Shameless self promotion? You betcha!) and went on my way.
By the time I got there, I had snot running down my face and needed CPR. I hurled my bike to the ground and got on my hands and knees in the grass to track down my phone. Luckily, it was there. I called my friend, told her to look out the window and told her the whole story. She found it quite hilarious, probably because she had the misfortune of having the visual to go with it.
Clearly, this unexpected expedition hasn’t done much for my cold. It’s now moved down to my chest and I sound like a sex chat line operator. I may have to use that to my advantage for the next couple of days. It’s a recession dammit! I gotta do what I gotta do!
Tags: bikes, food, more food, phones
Posted in life | 6 Comments »
Subscribe in a reader
