Monday, July 5th, 2010
Now that the dust has settled on the Tiger Woods saga (and as dust goes, it was quite the sand storm), talk has turned to the divorce settlement. Obviously, when you marry the richest athlete alive, it goes without saying that you’ll be in for a bit of a windfall, but recent reports have stated that Tiger’s soon-to-be-ex wife, Elin, could stand to get $750 million. How are these numbers decided upon and are they fair?
After the initial figure of $750 million was released, it emerged a few days later that it would actually be more like $100 million. Poor Elin – how on earth is she expected to keep her head above water on a mere hundred mil?! But be it $750 or just $100, when you’re talking millions, these are numbers that most of us will never have to get our heads around. I find it hard to relate to most people who don’t have the ‘rent or food’ dilemma to contend with at the end of the month.
As such, it’s hard to have sympathy for either party. There’ll be enough money for Elin to buy all the shoes she wants and Tiger will still have enough left over to get a stable of hoes (I think the plural of ‘ho’ has an ‘es’, but one can never be sure).
Tiger’s kids are surely used to the best and just because he decided to make some epically bad decisions, doesn’t mean that they should have to settle for less. I can understand keeping them in the life they’re accustomed to. And even Elin – I’m sure she came into this thinking her life would be a certain way til the end of days. From what we know, it was Tiger’s various indiscretions that threw a spanner in the works, so he should have to compensate her for that.
However, that being said, I don’t know what Elin does for a living, but like most women after a divorce, I think it’s advisable that she get up, get out and do something. She seems like a relatively together woman – I’m sure she can go out to work. She shouldn’t be sitting back waiting for a bunch of Tiger money to cushion her future existence. And if I were her, I think I’d be somewhat uncomfortable with that. How do you move on if you know your whole life is essentially funded by your scuzzbucket ex?
But what I do think is a major consideration here is the level of humiliation Elin went through. This wasn’t just any regular cheating scandal. It just kept unfolding, in a very public forum. With the recent revelation that Tiger possible has some other kids floating around as a result of his wandering dick syndrome, it seems to just continue. Elin seems like a very private person and it must be beyond mortifying to have these sort of details poured over by the press. For that alone, she deserves a huge chunk of change.
Reports have said Tiger’s willing to throw whatever money at the situation as long as Elin agrees to never speak to any media outlets. I’m sure she’s hardly in a rush to pour her heart out to Oprah about how humiliating it was to find out your husband was screwing 5000 $2 skanks.
Tiger is living proof that money can’t buy you sense.
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Tags: divorce, marriage, money, tiger woods
Posted in relationships | 10 Comments »
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
As a non-drinking, non-smoking, non-drug taking angel sent from heaven above, what I do for fun is limited in a certain sense. I can sit in a pub, sipping on my Diet Coke and chat away for hours, but eventually other people in there get drunk and obnoxious and ruin the vibe. Clubs are pretty much out due to my superior taste in music – I get too annoyed with the DJs to stick it out for a whole night. House parties are kind of a no go because people tend to go to get wasted and I’m the sober one sitting in the corner that everyone comes to to tell their dirty secrets.
The one thing I do enjoy is going out for dinner. I thankfully don’t know too many people who will get shit-faced drunk or pop an X over a pizza. A good conversation over a good meal is a great way for me to relax until…the bill arrives.
The dinner bill is something that has made me hate everyone I know at some point in my life. If you are the type of person who analyzes the bill, pays your share to the penny and not a cent more, I don’t know how you’ve made it this far in life without someone sucker punching you.
It is about the least classy thing a person can do. What is even worse is when people start pulling out their mobile phones, switching them to the calculator function and turning into accountants. I would say, if what you spent requires that much calculation, you probably can’t afford to go out. Believe you me, I have lived on the bread line and have been out to eat in restaurants when all I could really afford to do was stay at home and gnaw on my own flesh. But when the bill came, even though I was having an internal panic about how this $25 was all the money I had for the next 10 days, you would not see me examine the bill and dispute my share.
And because I don’t drink and am a pretty picky eater, I can guarantee you, my meal will account for the least of the bill. But yet time and time again, the people who have a few drinks down them and ordered the oysters and steak all of a sudden seem to ‘not remember’ ordering certain things when the bill comes.
I will admit, us Brits are notorious for not tipping, but after years of living in North America, adding 15-20% to my bill has become standard practice for me. And while I do dislike the North American custom of tipping for everything regardless (here in England, the attitude is that you tip is you received exceptional service, the person went above and beyond), I have expanded my view to be, if the server wasn’t terrible, you should tip them.
So the moral of the story is, when the bill arrives, just round up the cost of your meal and add some. If you get your calculator out, you shouldn’t even be there in the first place.
Tags: money, restaurants, tight asses
Posted in life | 6 Comments »
Monday, July 27th, 2009
Hip Hop/R ‘n’ B former super couple, Nas and Kelis, are going through a bitter (that may be understating it ever so slightly) divorce. Last week, hours after Kelis gave birth to their child, a judge ordered Nas to pay $44,000 a month in child support.
$44,000?!?!
What the hell did she give birth to? Elton John?
Given, I don’t have any kids, but I don’t understand what kind of devil seed costs more per month than some people’s annual salary. What kind of shit is that?
Kelis should be ashamed of herself for asking for it and Nas should be duly outraged by the decision to award it to her.
Included in that $44,000 is her ‘spousal support.’ I’m gonna go ahead and say about $42,000 goes to her and the remaining $2Gs is buying formula and nappies. Kelis has made no secret of the fact that she’s become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and expects to be kept in it now that she and Nas have gone their separate ways. Bitch please! They were only married a couple of years. She didn’t put in enough work to warrant a $44,000 per month pay cheque when it all went up in flames.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for fathers supporting their children. I just don’t think it takes $44,000 a month to do it.
Are the nappies diamond encrusted?
Is she importing freshly squeezed breast milk from Heidi Klum?
Does the baby’s nursery look like an episode of cribs?
Is the stroller some kind of high powered SUV/off road hybrid?
If your life costs you $44,000 a month, I think it’s time you reassess some shit.
Tags: kelis, kids, money, nas, overspending
Posted in relationships | 8 Comments »
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
If I had actual testicles, I imagine financial planning would be a giant pain in them.
I met with a numbers whiz about 8 months ago to crunch the numbers of my life and that experience left me sitting in a corner, rocking, foaming at the mouth and praying the apocalyse would come soon. I was told I should have three banks accounts; one for personal cash, one for bills and one for something called ‘savings’, which apparently, some people like to have. I felt a bit gung ho after the meeting and promptly went and opened two more bank accounts. I then proceeded to put nothing in them for the past 8 months.
So, cut to last week, when a different numbers whiz came to check on my progress. And there’s really no hiding it when you haven’t done something you were meant to do. He was shooting questions at me like the quick fire round of some tacky game show:
How much do you pay in rent? Not that much when you consider I get live naked hot tub action show every night.
Phone bill? A lil much considering I never use the damn thing.
Cable and internet? Included in my rent – holla!
Gym membership? No, but I do have a little friend called Clooney.
Investments? Quoi?
RSPs? Again, quoi?
How much do you spend on entertainment per month? Well between October and March, I shut it down, so, nothing. But in the summertime, maybe $100 a month – I don’t drink or smoke, I’m a pretty cheap date.
How much do you spend on toiletries per month? Does this include mani/pedis? ‘Cause that’s going to affect my tally.
How much do you spend on shopping per month? Whatever’s left.
He was amused by none of these answers. He shook his head while punching in the numbers. About 15 minutes later, I was officially financially planned. I actually have to use those other bank accounts I opened. He tried to get me to open yet one more, but I told him to back the fuck up (seriously though, is it not clear that I was having enough trouble handling one? This fool wants me to have four bank accounts – bitch please!). I’m on a budget, or pittance, as it is commonly referred and there were words being thrown around like ‘building a future’ and ‘investments’ and ‘life insurance.’ Ugh, my head hurts.
I tell you one thing though, I’m interested to see what this whole ‘savings’ concept looks like.
Tags: 'savings', cutting all the fun/wreckless spending out of your life, depressing financial statistics, dolla dolla bills y'all, money, moolah
Posted in life | 3 Comments »