Monday, December 21st, 2009
Well, things got really crazy for me in the last quarter of 2009. Overwhelmed with the direction the world was going in (you know, global warming, financial crisis, the over-popularity of Uggs), I decided I needed to change things. So, I whipped the world into shape and I’m proud to say, as we’re about to go into 2011, everything’s looking rosy.
Me and Idris Elba are married and he’s totally cool with me seeing Elliot Stabler from Law & Order SVU, Robert Downey Jr and any man who can speak French on the side. I had it written into our wedding vows that he’d find a way to resurrect The Wire for a few more seasons, so, there’s that.
I met with world leaders to discuss energy efficiency and it was decided that rather than using central heating and such like, people should burn their Uggs to create a natural source of heat. President Obama personally gave me a terrorist fist bump of congratulations for that one.
I had a sit down with Madonna. She managed to detach her crazed fans from her balls for a sec. We have negotiated a deal whereby she will retire within the next five years. She has also agreed to wear a knee length skirt every second wednesday. This will be increased each time she adopts another African baby.
I started running masterclasses on ‘How to Dress Like a Lady.’ This was a major step forward in my ‘No Pants’ campaign (the co-founder of which is Casie Stewart). We have seen a significant drop in the number of women wearing running shoes as regular footwear, leggings, sweats, pajama pants, babydoll dresses and maternity wear on un-pregnant people.
I banned use of the word ‘comfortable’ in regards to fashion for anyone under the age of 60. It’s taking people a while to come round to this, but we have seen more women enroll in my ‘How to Walk in Heels’ classes, which is encouraging.
As part of his therapy, I slept with Tiger Woods to see what all the fuss was about. Results are still inconclusive.
I think my major achievement of 2010 was having ‘bitch slap’ and ‘motherbitch’ added to the Oxford English dictionary. Additionally, now that bitch slapping is no longer a crime (except for the 6 US States in which it is still outlawed), society has become much more tolerable. Pent up frustration is virtually a thing of the past now that you can just give anyone a swift back hand when they’re acting up.
So as you can see, my 2010 was pretty packed, trying to make the world a better place for you people.
Well, must dash. Idris is in the kitchen, naked, cooking for me and I still have to treat the third degree burns he sustained doing that last week. He’ll never learn.
Until next time, ask yourself, what did you do to change the world in 2010?
Tags: leggings, madonna, The Wire, uggs
Posted in life | 11 Comments »
Monday, June 29th, 2009
…it’s your lucky day, because I’m handing out makeovers and bitch slaps – come get yours.
Tags: bad fashion, burberry, chinese slippers, flip flops, leggings, those damn scarves
Posted in fashion | 5 Comments »
Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
Yesterday, I took advantage of the nice weather and went shopping.
This particular shopping experience led me to a meltdown, which I documented on Twitter. After two hours of trailing the streets, going in every damn boutique I saw and being beyond disappointed every time, I have finally admitted what I have wanted to admit since I got to this city: I frikkin’ hate shopping in Toronto!
It sucks balls. Big, giant donkey balls. There is no originality in this city at all. Believe it or not, some of us actually want to wear things other than leggings and loose, flowing tops. How are you not over this shit yet Toronto? Seriously.
I went into several ‘independent boutiques’ (all of which are on the same street, I might add) only to find at least four of the exact same dress styles in each one. I would think, before you go through the trouble of opening a store, you would do a little research on what lines other stores are carrying. Apparently, that’s not how people roll in the TDot.
I have often been left speechless, baffled and befuddled at the fashion choices of people here. The abundance of Crocs, the leggings, the being seen in public in your pajamas, the working out at the gym in motherbitching Crocs – and after yesterday’s shiteous shopping experience, I now understand: these poor bastards don’t know any better.
Let me ask you, when were clunky Camper shoes for women in fashion? Apparently they’re all the rage here in Toronto, because every second shoe shop I went in had an extensive collection of clodhoppers. The only people who wear Campers are white people with dreadlocks – that says it all really.
So no wonder people think it’s acceptable to walk around in sweatpants and sports jerseys. They have lost all hope. And I can’t say I blame them. If I owned sweatpants, I would probably be ready to start wearing them myself right about now (with heels though, of course).
The irony of Toronto’s shitty shopping though, is that Toronto has a fashion week. No, really, it does. It likes to put its shitty style on display and try to convince itself that the world gives a shit about it’s poor sense of design abilities.
If you work in the fashion industry in Toronto, I urge you, in the nicest way I know how, to pull your fucking finger out and sort this mess out!
A diva like me needs more than leggings and frikkin’ Camper shoes to make it through! Fix up!
Tags: bad fashion, crocs, leggings, no style, rants, toronto
Posted in fashion | 5 Comments »
Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
The other day, in the last ten minutes of my lunch break, I had to hit up the ATM before dashing back to work. I got there and there was a line, but I calculated that if all moved along swiftly, I’d have cash in my pocket and be back at work in time to shoot the shit around the water cooler.
There were two ATMs and one line. Five college girls, a few people ahead of me, congregated together to form one giant person in the line. Things seemed to be moving pretty quickly as rushed wage slaves punched their digits into the machine and swiped their cash. It was all going good till it got to the college chicks.
When they were at the front of the line, waiting for their turn, I saw each of them take about eight cheques out of their pockets. I could vaguely overhear them using words like ‘deposit’ and ‘envelope’ and ‘how do I?’ and I knew things were about to go sour.
When their turn came, the college chicks decided to divide and conquer; three at one ATM, two at another. And not one of them had a clue how to make a deposit.
Here’s where my beef comes in: isn’t it just common sense that if you don’t know how to use a function on an ATM, you don’t decide to test it out during one of the busiest hours of the day, in one of the busiest areas of Toronto? Apparently not.
And these were college students. I deduced this from the multiple cheques. No doubt they were for $12 each and they made them doing online surveys or some such nonsense.
So, as they fumbled and stuffed cheques into envelopes, while forgetting their pin numbers and desperately trying to figure out exactly how to deposit their newly acquired fortunes, I watched minute after painful minute tick by. Haven’t they ever heard of a frikkin’ teller?!
Why do that when most people, who actually work for a living and have other shit to do, are on their lunch hour? Surely, these students could have found some other point in their action packed day to figure out how to use an ATM. They probably have one half hour class a day and spend the other 23.5 hours playing Dance Dance Revolution or some shit.
Eventually, with less than a minute left to get back to work, I had to abandon the whole mission and make a mad dash back to the office. I hope those chicks do something good with the money once it clears.
But I sense they’ll just piss it all away on leggings in American Apparel.
Ugh. Students.
Tags: american apparel, leggings, money matters, rants, students
Posted in life | 5 Comments »
Thursday, January 10th, 2008
Leggings
In the name of all things holy, put them away already. The death knoll on this trend should have chimed long ago. You might like staring at your camel toe all day, but I don’t. Having lycra eating your crotch can’t be good for feminine hygiene. If you haven’t got a yeast infection yet, you soon will. Seriously, take them off already. Then drag your ass out of American Apparel and go see a doctor. And I’ll make this next point as delicately as I can; I’ve got love for the big girls, but just because they make it in your size, doesn’t make it right. I really don’t care what size, shape, color or age you are, you just shouldn’t be wearing these, just as you definitely should not be wearing…
Uggs
Every day I ask God to watch over me so I don’t have to unleash my rage on some unsuspecting Ugg wearer. I can’t believe that year after year these things come back to haunt me, I don’t give a crap if they keep your tootsies warm – you look like you just shoved your feet in two loaves of bread. And now they’re coming out with new colors, each one as offensive as the next. There’s a certain type of Ugg wearer that causes me particular disdain. You. Yes, I’m talking to you; white girl between the ages of 15 and 22. You, with the normally mousy brown hair that you’ve highlighted blonde within an inch of its life. You, who during the summer months after frying yourself on a sun bed, puts on a tank top, mini skirt, no tights and Ugg boots. Yes, you. Unless you want me to tackle you to the ground and forcibly remove the mass of sheepskin imprisoning your toes, I strongly advise you to invest in some sandals. Oh and if you must be a habitual offender of this crime against fashion, at least issue a 30 minute warning before removing the boots, because trust me, no one wants to be within a 10 mile radius of you when that happens. But don’t even think about replacing the Uggs with…
Crocs
If Uggs are the bread, Crocs are the swiss cheese in this unsightly footwear sandwich. I don’t buy the whole ‘I only wear them around the house’ defense. Before you know it, you’re wearing them to the movies and shopping and God forbid…out to dinner. Try as you might, there is no way to make these shoes look good. You might be completely in proportion, but throw on a pair of crocs and you look like you have feet the size of Shaq’s. I don’t care if they’re ‘sooooo comfortable’. That phrase shouldn’t even be uttered before the age of 75. What I find particularly disturbing is the new Family Von Croc trend, where mother, father and child are all donning them. Were they giving them out at the family planning clinic or something? His and hers is bad enough, but His, Hers and Child’s takes you to a whole new league of asshole from which there is no return.
Tags: crocs, leggings, motherf**king uggs
Posted in fashion | 10 Comments »
