Posts Tagged ‘lack of clothes’

Dear Madonna

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

Let me start by saying this: I’ve never liked you. There you have it. You’re not that great a singer and your appeal has baffled me for years. Sure, I can get down to a bit of Holiday or Papa Don’t Preach with the best of ‘em, but for the most part, your bitchiness and fake British accent irk me beyond belief.

But that’s not what I want to talk to you about today. I think it’s time we had a little chat about age appropriateness. Maybe the people around you have neglected to inform you (and you are clearly in denial of this fact yourself) that you have aged. Considerably. You now have to tick the 50+ box on forms.

And by no means am I suggesting that you should stop living life. I mean, if we’re going by the news, us mere mortals just have part time shifts at B&Q to look forward to during retirement. No, no, don’t stop what you’re doing. You just need to do it in a more age appropriate way.

Unsure what I mean? Well, the leotards need to stop. Effective immediately. We get it. You keep in shape. Merry Christmas. High five. Now kindly go put some clothes on.

You are also a mother of a soon-to-be teenage daughter. As a daughter myself, I can tell you, the last thing I would ever want to see my mother doing is this:

Or this:

or this:

Madonna-LMK-004992

or this:

If you have the ability to close your legs, for the love of Christ, exercise it now. Most kids just have to hang their heads if their mothers pick them up from school in Crocs. Do you show up at your kid’s school in a leotard, legs akimbo with a microphone shoved down your pants?

Perhaps one of your assistants could introduce you to these marvelous things called ‘trousers’ or ‘knee length dresses’ – they’re a whole world of fun.

I know this advice will be life changing for you. You can send me a thank you note with a $50,000 cheque at your earliest convenience.

Thanking you in advance.

Yours bitchslappingly,

Muireann AKA Bangs.

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