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Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
The Hoodie Footie
In the name of all things good and holy, what in the onesie hell is this?! I refuse to believe that any woman can sit at home, see this come on an infomercial and think ‘that’s a good look.’ This has to be a piss take. And yet, look how happy the woman in the pic is to be wearing it. I ain’t mad at ya honey, get your pay cheque. It’s hard out here on these streets and crack prices just keep skyrocketing. Do what you’ve gotta do. Say someone rings your doorbell, do you answer wearing that? Those are some giant balls you have, my friend. This is wrong in more way than I can count. Looking at it makes my head hurt.
The Hug-e-Gram
This just makes me want to punch babies. Wrapping a big bit of coloured styrofoam around yourself to feel like a hug? Never, not even on my darkest, loneliest nights would I ever consider this an option. In the infomercial, it gives the impression that this is something you should send to your significant other, in your absence, instead of say, something a normal person would send – like flowers. Let me tell you something, I wish someone would try to send me this crap. I would wrap that piece of trash around the delivery man’s neck and pull til he got the message. What the hell kinda of gift is that?! You better take your ass to the petrol station and get some on-the-verge-of-death flowers!
The Slender Shaper
So you wanna lose weight? Here’s an idea: how about your laze around your house with a vibrating Hello Kitty fanny pack stuck to your pot belly? Yep, that’s gonna work. Alternatively, you could turn the TV off (to avoid the temptation of any of the above products) and just take your fat ass (and the rest of you) to the gym. And put that Snickers down while you’re at it. Just a thought. Does anyone ever even take a moment to consider how ridiculous anything featured on an informercial looks? Why are you OK with being a grown woman and having Hello frikkin’ Kitty strapped to your midsection like that’s normal? You’re not the bill payer in your house are you? Because I’m gonna need someone with an ounce of sense to take over those duties for you. Put the remote down! OK, now come here – let’s hug it out with the Hug-e-Gram. Everything will be alright,
Tags: bad ideas, infomercials
Posted in things which must stop | 16 Comments »
Wednesday, February 25th, 2009
Last week, I did something that made me feel dirty and ashamed. And quite frankly, I liked it. I ordered something from an informercial.
*cue tumbleweeds*
No seriously. I did. I know you’re all thinking “But Bangs, you’re the very bastion of good taste and all things good and right with the world.” And I am that. But you know, sometimes, we all have weak moments.
Mine came as I came to, out of an intense snooze, having fallen asleep with the television on. I awoke at 3am to the infomerical bliss that is, Malibu Pilates. I rubbed my eyes and focused in a little more. Slowly I felt it beginning to suck me in. You mean to tell me, I can work out while sitting down? Ummm….SOLD! And for $14.95, plus shipping and handling? Hot damn! Before I even knew what I was doing, I had my computer on and my credit card out. Turns out, it’s actually way more expensive when you buy it in Canada, but, did you not hear me, bitches? You can work out sitting down. That shit is priceless.
And how about the next day delivery? By the time I got home from work the next day, I was ready to get my Malibu Pilates on. Well, not quite ready. I had to unpack the thing and get it out of all that Godforsaken plastic wrapping and do a little bit of self-assembly (which was a work out in itself), but then I was ready. I put on one of the three work out DVDs that came with it (oh, you want one. Admit it) and got down to the work out. It’s the work out I like to call ’20 Minutes of Awesomeness.’ They use the term ‘engage your powerhouse’ several times. I don’t even know if I have a powerhouse, but I’m loving this shit!
So, judge me all you want, but you best believe that the highlight of my day henceforth (or at least until the weather is nice enough for me to ride my bike again), will be the ’20 Minutes of Awesomeness.’
But fear not, this won’t lead to a slippery slope of infomercial purchasing from me. I mean, as impressed as I am with the mythical absorbing powers of the Shamwow, I can’t see myself needing to get one.
I mean, for starters, who is this Vince guy, why should I care and why the hell is he rocking it out like he’s in the Rhythm Nation with that mic? And, show of hands: who’s spending $20 a month on paper towels? What kind of shit are you spilling in your house that requires $20 worth of paper towel to clean it up?
Though, I may need to drag a truck somewhere one of these days, so I may just have to get myself some of that Mighty Putty.
Tags: fitness, infomercials, shopping
Posted in life | No Comments »