Posts Tagged ‘George Clooney’

Go Forth and Find Him!

Friday, November 20th, 2009

After an intense Nando’s roundtable discussion recently (that Peri Peri sauce inspires some deep soul searching), in which a few of my fabulous, talented and gorgeous friends (I don’t hang with ugly people) recounted their relationship woes, I got to thinking about how to ease the troubles we all seem to have finding someone we can tolerate being around long enough to sustain something decent with. And I found the answer…..

Arranged marriage.

That’s right amigos! I think it’s safe to say that since my last few relationships have registered pretty high on the worldwide richter scale of disaster, I don’t trust my own taste anymore. Seriously, since my past boos have included a crack head, a Napoleon complex-haver and a serial adulterer from The Village People, I have decided that I simply cannot be left to my own devices to meet men.

I still can’t bring myself to do internet dating, mainly because it seems to take just as much time as real dating. My friend told me it took her two hours to wade through the questions required to register on one site. Screw that noise. Who has that kinda time on their hands? So, to cut out all that BS, I say, I would prefer to have an army of people just looking on my behalf. Go out into the wilderness (whoa, I take that back. Go out into the city – you know it wouldn’t work out with me and a country dude) and bring me back a husband.

Here are a few guidelines to help you get an idea of the kind of guy I like. Preferably, the ideal candidate will be a mish-mash of all these things:

Don Draper

This fella brings the ‘hubba hubba’ and regardless of what people say, I think ‘hubba hubba’ is important in a life partner. Sure, his character on Mad Men is a complete asshole, relationship wise, but he’s creative, great at his job and he’s a presence. I could do without all his excessive drinking and smoking though.

Stringer Bell

Again, his character on The Wire is kind of an asshole, but as with Don Draper, he’s in a powerful position (given, it’s within a criminal organisation, but we’ll overlook that for now). I’m more attracted to his height and the way he carries himself.

George Clooney

Do I really need to explain this one? He’s a sweet slice of salt n’ pepper lovliness. To me, Clooney is the epitome of a gentleman. He’s charming, he has style, class and from what I’ve seen, a pretty wicked sense of humour.

Stephen Fry

My readers across the pond may not know who Stephen Fry is, but he’s an amazing actor and presenter. Sure, he’s gay, but whatever. This is probably the most intelligent man you’re ever gonna come across in life. He’d be hours, nay, a whole lifetime of entertainment. If I brought him home to my parents, they’d be very impressed, though they would, admittedly, have questions about why I’m dating a gay man.

Jon Stewart

Anyone who rolls with me has got to be funny and if anyone can bring the funny, it’s my man Jon Stewart. If I’ve got to spend a lifetime with someone, I need to be able to laugh my way through it.

Alright, so if you all could just get to work on that for me and report back with your findings, that’d be great. Mmkay. Thanks!

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Invasion of the Cradle Snatchers

Monday, January 21st, 2008

Attention older men: You know in the movies, when you see some old dude romancing that hot young chick, giving her the best sex of her life and whisking her off to exotic locations around the world – you know that very rarely happens in real life, right?

 

Sure, George Clooney and Pearce Brosnan always get the girl, but that’s because they’re George Clooney and Pearce Brosnan. (The fact that they probably bathe in $100 bills doesn’t hurt either).

 

But a regular old guy should probably think twice before approaching some fine young filly.

 

I have been the recipient of many unwanted advances from older men, most recently from a guy who works in my building. He is probably in his late 40s/early 50s and came to introduce himself to me. He is bald, not so attractive and somewhat awkward. I can make conversation with anyone, but this exchange was laced with uncomfortable silences. I asked him how long he had worked there and almost spat out my drink when he replied ‘since ’86.’ I decided to refrain from telling him I was five years old then.

 

A few days later he came back and asked me out. The balls! The balls, I tell you! I was baffled that he had concluded that any part of our previous conversation, even remotely, indicated that I was interested in him. Clearly, this is the early onset of dementia – he thinks any 26 year old who reluctantly gives him the time of day, secretly wants him.

 

When I was 23 and lived in New York, a guy in his 40s took me out to brunch. Prior to this, I hadn’t felt that I was in any danger of getting the big come on from him, but that was all shot to shit by the time the omelets arrived. He told me how his ex-wife had left him for another woman and how he had a 19 year old daughter, but could really see himself being with someone like me. This was all a little much for my 23 year old mind to take in. As I sipped my Earl Grey, I tried to explain to him that while a four year age gap between his daughter and his girlfriend may not have bothered him, where I come from, we call it ‘fucked up’.

 

I’ve heard plenty of reasons why older men gravitate towards me; I look older than I am (which, by the way is a great compliment when you’re 15, but no-so-much when you’re 26), that I’m ‘mature’ for my age, that I’m ‘independent’ and ‘well traveled.’ Either way, I’d really rather not be a part of someone’s midlife crisis.

 

So, do as others do; buy a convertible or grow a ponytail. Nothing turns a girl in her 20s on more than a guy in his 50s, bald, save for a grey, limp, ratty ponytail slithering down his neck, asking her out.

 

Of course, as with anything, it all depends on the person, the timing etc. Because, you know, if Clooney ever comes a-knocking, I sure as hell ain’t turning him down.

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