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Mixed Signals
Thursday, July 16th, 2009
Ladies, we need to start dressing for men again. Yes, you heard me! We’ve gotten so caught up in the new found freedom of loose, flowy clothes that we forgot that the fellas might miss having something pretty to look at.
Oh and save all your feminist ‘we’ve come too far, we should be able to dress how we want’ nonsense. If you’re a straight woman, you want the attention of men. Admit it and get over yourself.
And frankly, if you’re still wearing baby doll dresses, empire line dresses and loose tops with leggings and wondering why men aren’t looking at you twice, you need to step your game up (and praise the baby Jesus that you came across my blog).
Men are simple creatures. You know what they like? Tits and ass, that’s what. And for the last few years, women’s fashion has been doing it’s darndest to cover these things up. Form fitting clothes have fallen by the wayside. Why? Because we’re getting fatter. God knows we all rejoiced a little when loose, flowing tops first came in and we could hide our multitude of sins. But if you know how to dress yourself, you can still accentuate your figure and strike up a happy medium somewhere between dressing like a stripper and donning a burka.
Men just don’t understand certain ladies fashion fads. Take these for example:
You think men understand this shit? I barely understand it. I don’t care if they were on the catwalks in Milan, these pants are ridiculous. They pretty much only make sense if it’s 1992 you have an army of backing dancers wearing the same thing. But it ain’t Hammer Time no more bitches. Men look at this and, rightfully so, think you’re a douchebag. Don’t just blindly follow fashion because this is supposedly a trend. Men don’t want to have to go on a military mission to find your ass. Where is your ass in those pants, I ask you?!
But there has to be a balance. If it was up to men, we would all dress like this all the time:
Skirts should be short enough to show off enough leg, dress should be tight enough to accentuate both tits and ass and heels should be worn at all times (regardless of whether or not to choose to throw clothes on with them). I hate to burst the bubble fellas, but it just isn’t practical. I mean, I, of course, dress like this on a daily basis (call me), but for most women, they may not be down with dressing like they’re dancing for dollars every day.
So ladies, it’s time to regroup. Find a happy medium. Tighten some things up. Really look at yourself, figure out what your assets are and don’t be scared to show them off (but remember to keep it classy and leave something to the imagination).
And fellas, you need to fix up too. For too many years we’ve been proud of you for just managing to put clean socks on. Time to step your game up.
Tags: bad fashion, clothes, trends
Posted in fashion | 7 Comments »
If You Are Still Wearing Any of the Following…
Monday, June 29th, 2009
…it’s your lucky day, because I’m handing out makeovers and bitch slaps – come get yours.
Tags: bad fashion, burberry, chinese slippers, flip flops, leggings, those damn scarves
Posted in fashion | 5 Comments »
Fashion Road Kill
Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
Yesterday, I took advantage of the nice weather and went shopping.
This particular shopping experience led me to a meltdown, which I documented on Twitter. After two hours of trailing the streets, going in every damn boutique I saw and being beyond disappointed every time, I have finally admitted what I have wanted to admit since I got to this city: I frikkin’ hate shopping in Toronto!
It sucks balls. Big, giant donkey balls. There is no originality in this city at all. Believe it or not, some of us actually want to wear things other than leggings and loose, flowing tops. How are you not over this shit yet Toronto? Seriously.
I went into several ‘independent boutiques’ (all of which are on the same street, I might add) only to find at least four of the exact same dress styles in each one. I would think, before you go through the trouble of opening a store, you would do a little research on what lines other stores are carrying. Apparently, that’s not how people roll in the TDot.
I have often been left speechless, baffled and befuddled at the fashion choices of people here. The abundance of Crocs, the leggings, the being seen in public in your pajamas, the working out at the gym in motherbitching Crocs – and after yesterday’s shiteous shopping experience, I now understand: these poor bastards don’t know any better.
Let me ask you, when were clunky Camper shoes for women in fashion? Apparently they’re all the rage here in Toronto, because every second shoe shop I went in had an extensive collection of clodhoppers. The only people who wear Campers are white people with dreadlocks – that says it all really.
So no wonder people think it’s acceptable to walk around in sweatpants and sports jerseys. They have lost all hope. And I can’t say I blame them. If I owned sweatpants, I would probably be ready to start wearing them myself right about now (with heels though, of course).
The irony of Toronto’s shitty shopping though, is that Toronto has a fashion week. No, really, it does. It likes to put its shitty style on display and try to convince itself that the world gives a shit about it’s poor sense of design abilities.
If you work in the fashion industry in Toronto, I urge you, in the nicest way I know how, to pull your fucking finger out and sort this mess out!
A diva like me needs more than leggings and frikkin’ Camper shoes to make it through! Fix up!
Tags: bad fashion, crocs, leggings, no style, rants, toronto
Posted in fashion | 5 Comments »
Bad Style Choices 101: Dog the Terrible Taste Hunter
Monday, April 13th, 2009
This chick is a little slice of tacky heaven. I used to watch Dog The Bounty Hunter, until it came out that they’re all a bunch of racist, N-word-dropping douchnozzles. But I gotta admit, I revel in this woman’s obscenely tacky taste. It brings me unprecedented levels of joy.
This big-titted bad ass is the poster child for trailer park chic. And let’s talk about those breasticles for a moment, shall we? Jesus take the wheel! I need to know how she manages to get out of bed in the morning with those things. On the show, she actually apprehends criminals – she runs, people. Runs! I’m surprised that doesn’t trigger some kind of natural disaster. Homegirl likes to rock intense V-necks too. If anyone was looking for KFC’s secret recipe – I’d check her cleavage. In fact, check her cleavage for anything that’s been lost in the history of time. Who the hell knows what she’s got stashed down there. Those are some bona fide Arethas.
If you can manage to take your eyes off her chest for a moment, you notice other little gems, like her fake platinum blonde hair extensions, the way she matches her eye shadow with her outfits and how she always wears those press on nails. It’s like she’s playing dress up, except she’s an adult and she really shouldn’t be trying to fit into her 6 year old daughter’s tops.
But hey, not everyone can get it right all of the time and some people get it right none of the time – of which, Ms Big Titted Terrible Taste Hunter, is one. May she continue to wear mini skirts and open-toed mules while chasing criminals and have her giant chest slap her in the face with each stride she takes.
Tags: Arethas, bad fashion, bad taste, boobs
Posted in fashion | 4 Comments »
From the Vault of Bad Ideas Comes…
Friday, February 29th, 2008
The Amy Winehouse Fashion Collection.
Heaven help us all, but this week it was announced that Ms Winehouse will be coming out with a clothing line. Whose bright idea was this? Has this person seen Amy Winehouse recently? It’s the kind of idea that’s born out of a crack high. I’m a fan of her music, but do I want to look like her? Hell-to-the-no.
From what I can make out, through the hair, layers of make up, tattoos and remnants of crack rock, I believe Amy is trying to go for the ‘pin-up girl’ look. Well, you ain’t pulling it off, honey. But hey, she’s almost there. Maybe once she’s fully off the crack, she can pull it all together and surprise us.
The fashion line will consist of clothes, make-up, hairspray, liquid eyeliner (which will probably come in an oil tanker) and possibly a perfume (not for nothing, but I totally don’t even want to know what Eau de Amy smells like).
So, to prevent further fashion mishaps, I have compiled a list of people who should never, under any circumstances, have a clothing line. (Sadly, some of the people on this list already do, I’m hoping this list will result in them ceasing production immediately – one lives in hope).
Britney Spears
Goes without saying really. It would probably just consist of fishnet tights with holes in, mismatched, wrongly sized tops and jeans (complete with food stains). Obviously, there would be no underwear in the line. I’m surprised homegirl is still managing to hawk a perfume when she looks like she hasn’t bathed since ’04.
Beyonce
She released that piece of trash line with her mama. Yawn. And there’s fur in it – big no no. If you want to dress like Beyonce, wouldn’t you want the stage costumes? Go all out. Hotpants, sequins, feathers, leotards. And that’s just for a trip to the supermarket.
Angelina Jolie
Jolie sure is purdy, but she can’t dress for shit. Has she ever worn anything other than black or white? If she did have her own line, it’d be made only by children she adopted, while on play dates in worn torn countries, using recycled materials.
Mariah Carey
I’ve discussed Mariah’s unique sense of style before. Her look is obviously quite easy to achieve; just be as near to naked as possible at all times. Don’t forget the stripper heels. If you must be clothed, make sure you’re only wearing a negligee, then go sign some autographs for the kids.
Sienna Miller
For a split second there, she was almost considered a fashion icon. But then she forgot that things like clean hair, for example, are considered attractive. To achieve the Sienna look, get up, do not shower, pull some clothes out of your dirty laundry hamper, throw them on, add some Uggs and you’re good to go.
The Olsens
Again, they already have a line, but they didn’t call it Creatures from the Black Lagoon – that was mistake number one right there. And I think they tried to make pretty things, which doesn’t embody the Olsen spirit. The Olsen wardrobe is simple; plaid shirt, black tights, 10 inch heels and a bag you can fit a small African nation in.
Tags: amy winehouse, bad fashion
Posted in fashion | 4 Comments »
An Open Letter to Mariah Carey
Friday, December 7th, 2007
Dear Mariah,
I understand that ‘Hooker Chic’ has been your look of choice for quite some time now, but have you ever thought it might be time for a change?
It’s clear that you’re in a deep, deep state of denial and are surrounded by enablers who indulge your princess fantasies, so perhaps no one has pointed this out to you but, you’re in your late 30s.
It’s bad enough that you continue to make music (if we can even call it that at this point), but if you must be seen, at least be seen in something a little more age appropriate than cut off shorts and a low cut tank top.
I’ve seen you in clear heels more times than I care to remember. Unless your record company pays you in dollar bills, this is not a look you should be going for. Mini skirts and midriff bearing tops are also out.
How about giving a knee length skirt a try? Or jeans (maybe even wide leg ones), that aren’t two sizes too small for you? Sometimes, leaving a little something to the imagination is good. In your case, all the time would be better.
What pains me Mariah is that you’re filthy stinking rich. You don’t even need to go shopping yourself, you can hire someone to do that for you. If you already have a stylist, fire her pronto. Seriously, give her a good bitch slap (then drop kick her in the face and put her in a choke hold, just so she gets the message).
This routine of you parading around with your tits, belly, ass and legs hanging out is getting really old, as are you. You’re like that embarrassing aunt, attempting to flirt with your niece’s boyfriend at the family barbeque.
So why not do what all the crazy kids your age are doing these days; adopt a child from Africa and become a UNICEF ambassador. That shit you like to call clothing won’t make the grade as ‘humanitarian wear’. Give all your clothes back to the 12 year old you stole them from, throw out the clear heels and go buy yourself something pretty. But remember the golden rule; Thou Shalt Not Shop At Forever 21. Please, at least try, to grow old gracefully.
Sincerely,
From one Carey to another.
Tags: bad fashion, mariah carey
Posted in fashion | 2 Comments »