Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
Even though I’m going through a crisis of faith right now, I had some things I had to get off my chest, so decided to go to confession.
Me: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It’s been….well, it’s been a really frikkin’ long time since my last confession.
Father McBangs: Please don’t curse.
Me: Oops. My bad. So, can I just jump right into this?
Father McBangs: Yes, my child. What would you like to confess?
Me: Well, I gotta tell ya Father, it’s pretty bad. I…I…I like Phil Collins.
Father McBangs: [silence]
Me: Yo, Father, you there?
Father McBangs: Are we talking ‘Genesis’ Phil Collins or the solo Phil Collins?
Me: Solo, of course.
Father McBangs: Good, ‘cause no amount of repenting can forgive ‘I Can’t Dance.’
Me: I hear ya homie.
Father McBangs: So, how long has this been going on?
Me: I’d say roughly a year. I’m completely overcome with the power of Sussudio. I don’t know how it happened. I’d obviously heard the song many times before, but one day, I heard it on the radio in the car and my foot started tapping uncontrollably. That night, under cover of darkness, I downloaded it from Limewire, wait – will I have to do extra penance for illegal downloading?
Father McBangs: I’ll try to overlook it.
Me: Good looking out. So anyway, since then, I listen to it all the time, but only on my iPod, with my headphones on, because I don’t want anyone else to know. But recently, I just don’t want to hide it anymore. I mean, I listen to the song and like Phil says, ‘it feels so good, if you just say the word…Sussudio.’ Try it Father.
Father McBangs: No
Me: Go on, say it.
Father McBangs: Absolutely not.
Me: Just say the word!
Father McBangs: Su, Su, Sussudio!
Me: See?
Father McBangs: You’re right. That does feel good.
Me: And now it’s progressed to other songs. ‘In the Air’ and ‘Easy Lover’ in particular, move me.
Father McBangs: Are you an Easy Lover?
Me: I don’t see what my loving habits have to do with any of this.
Father McBangs: You’re in a church.
Me: Bygones. Can we just stay on topic here? So what should I do? It’s getting hard to keep this under wraps. I’ve started humming along really loud when Phil plays on my iPod. I think people might be onto me.
Father McBangs: Well, things could be worse. You could be a fan of Akon. So, I’ll talk this over with the Big Man but I don’t see why I couldn’t talk it down to 10 Hail Marys and an Our Father for you. So, in the name of the Father, the Son and…
Me: Yeah, yeah. Cheers, Big Ears. Peace out. Sussudio!
Shame on you, Guardian
Oh boy, did the shit ever hit the fan over at The Guardian last week. On their website, they decided to give a travel blog to a 19 year old kid about to embark on his first big adventure to India, of all places, It’s so cliché it hurts. Read the kid’s first article here.
Now, to those of you unfamiliar with the British media system, let me explain a few things: 19 years olds getting their own columns in, what is probably, the best national newspaper in the country, NEVER happens! This is England: home of cynicism, the school of hard knocks, the creator of ‘working your way up the ladder’. You are basically expected to work for free, making the tea and doing the editors dry cleaning till you’re roughly, 35. Then, they might pay you marginally more than a Chinese sweatshop worker.
But getting your own column, at 19, to document a trip that thousands before you have made? Not bloody likely.
You’ve got to love British readers. They could smell the shit a mile off. The kid’s article got over 940,000 comments, most of them bashing him and the editors for printing such tripe. (Personally, I couldn’t even finish reading the article, I was cringing so much.)
All the backlash prompted the editor to write this post the following day, justifying his hiring choices.
I don’t care what they say. Either this kid is related to an editor, or he’s blowing one. Plain and simple.
(Thanks Tam, for the heads up!)
Dear Readers,
I’ve been at this blogging thing a couple of months now. There are a whole lot of people stopping by here to read everyday and I’m feeling the love, my babies, I am. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. This is really a learning process for me and I want this blog to be the best it can be – so if you’re reading this, please be sure to leave comments. Let me know what you like, dislike, what you want to see more of, less of, things you’d like to know my opinion on etc. I want to know that I’m taking this in the right direction and I really appreciate your feedback. And seriously, if you are stopping by here to read regularly, I can’t thank you enough. With that said, get commenting!
Tags: akon, confessions, phil collings, the brits, the guardian
Posted in life | 8 Comments »
Monday, February 18th, 2008
Beyonce
Can you please just go and have some Jay-Z babies already? We all get it – you’ve impressed it upon us for the past ten years; you have a weave, you have an ass, you have a voice (in that order). We get it. You have made your point. Ten-Four. Roger that. Over-and-Out. Seriously, get OVER yourself and get OUT. Thank you and goodnight.
Justin Timberlake
Listen Justin, you either need to stop or kick it into overdrive. These intensely long gaps you leave between albums is burning my brain. You did it with the first one. After damn near two years of that being on rotation, I had zero desire to Let You Love Me or to Rock My Body. I got tired of Rockin’ My Body after a couple of months. It’s a lot of work. And you’ve done it again with this album. What Goes Around has been going around and around and around. Then you’re telling me it Comes Around? Can I get an ETA on when this will end?
Also, you’re not the savior of music my dear. The first album, you had Pharell, the second one, you had Timbaland. Shit, I could make a hit record with that team behind me. You are merely a puppet. Anything you’ve done has been done a million times already; you are just the white version. Get over yourself.
Akon
How you weren’t banished to the depths of hell after releasing ‘I’m So Lonley’ really boggles the mind. Then you had that whole crazy-dry-humping-of-a-teenager thing and Lord only knows how, but you prevailed during that controversy too. Not content with making our ears bleed with your own ‘music’, you insist on jumping all over everyone else’s tracks. Even people one assumes would have better taste, like Gwen Stefani, for example.
How do you do it Akon? What’s your secret? Your voice has a Chipmunk-esque quality to it. You should have been a one hit wonder. Could it be your looks? No, you’re painfully unattractive. Is it your deep and meaningful songs? Well, it’s unlikely ‘I Wanna F**k You’ will go down as a classic in music history (though you did really drive that point home while dry humping that teenager).
Madonna
Oh, I know I’m gonna catch hell from the gays on this one, but Madonna, you’ve got to stop.
Sure, I was down with you during the ‘Holiday’ and ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ era, but you kinda lost be when you started shagging everything with a pulse. Since then, I’ve found each of your yearly, attempted reinventions equally yawn-inducing.
I think you’d be the first to admit, you’re not that great a singer and you dance like a drunken aunt at a wedding. In interviews, you come across as a completely stone cold and vapid bitch. So, what exactly is your appeal?
I can’t even watch your interviews anymore because of your fake, forced British accent. Just ‘cause you married a Brit and live in the UK doesn’t mean you have to adopt our accent. Stop embarrassing yourself.
Just out of interest, are you just injecting botox or have you switched to straight up formaldehyde? You look eerily unnatural and are starting to scare me.
So, chop chop! Retirement beckons – oh and please take those Godforsaken leotards with you on the way out.
Tags: akon, beyonce, justin timberlake, madonna
Posted in life | 11 Comments »