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The Bitch Please Advice Column

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Dear Bangs,

Men don’t find me attractive.

What do I do?

Yours Sincerely,

Clearly A Minger

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Dear Clearly A Minger,

Come here. Come on…nestle yourself in my bosom for a second and let me give you a hug. *strokes your hair* OK, now stand back for a second so I can bitch slap you. It’ll sting for a moment, but it’s for your own good.

OK, now listen here, we’ll have none of this talk, you hear me?! I have no idea what you look like but I highly, highly doubt you are a minger. And if you think you are, well then, let me consult page 1 of my ‘Psychoanalysis For Beginners’ handbook and tell you, we’ve located 99% of the problem right there.

I wrote about my personal struggle with my looks recently and was overwhelmed at the reactions of people sharing similar stories. In my youth, I always considered myself the ugly one – no fellas ever glanced in my direction. Gradually over time, as I became more comfortable with my features and God forbid, actually started to like them, I noticed a shift. It’s a simple equation, once I liked myself more, other people liked me more.

I’m by no means suggesting that the struggle for personal acceptance, especially when it comes to looks, is easy. I know first hand how hard it is. But that is where you must start. In order for men to find you attractive, you must first look at yourself that way. I know you don’t – you described yourself as a ‘minger’.

So what can you do? Find a full length mirror, strip down to your undies and look at yourself. Really look at yourself. Now, how about this time, instead of pointing out all your flaws, you focus in on the things you like. Even if right now you only like your pinky toe, you better heap praise on that pinky toe like it’s the best thing you’ve ever seen! Go on, no one’s watching, it’s just you and the mirror. Try to find at least five things you like about you, looks and personality wise.

Next you should pamper yourself, spoil yourself, treat yourself. Forgive yourself for ever thinking you were less than. You and yourself have some making up to do. Make a playlist of your favourite songs, put on your favourite outfit and go out and strut. This is Operation Feel Good. You need to spend some time getting good with you. Once people see you have confidence in yourself, they’ll have confidence in you.

I’m not dating right now and there are days when I feel no one of the opposite sex has even noticed my existence, but not for one second will I allow myself to think no one finds me attractive. When the right guy finally finds me, I’ll be glad all those others were blind!

Hang in there – it only gets better.

Smooches

Bangs

xoxo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email The Bitch Please Advice Column at bangsandabun@gmail.com

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NOMINATE ME!

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Tags: advice, bitch please
Posted in relationships | 12 Comments »

Woman (29) Seeks Sugar Daddy (40-70)

Monday, July 19th, 2010

Well hey there good lookin’! I’m a 29 year old lawyer, high powered business woman, international spy, blogger and I’m looking for a lil sugar daddy action.

I’m not sure how these things work, but here’s what I envision: basically, you’ll buy me stuff. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for female empowerment and sisters doing it for themselves, but quite frankly, this sister is tired and needs a little help. I have a lot of things I’d like to do over the next few months, things I’d like to buy, places I’d like to go etc and I’m slogging my guts out, but the reality is, none of those things are gonna happen on my salary, so that’s where you come in.

You’d be kind of like my supplementary income, if you will. But, that part’s straight forward enough. I’m sure you’re probably wondering what you’ll get out of the deal.

Well, I’m obviously younger than you and quite frankly, I’m pretty smokin’, so have me on your arm at all those company functions/balls/corporate events etc, and people will admire and respect you for the pervert you are. You’ll get to enjoy the pleasure of my company and as company goes, I’m pretty darn fascinating (and not in the slightest bit conceited or egocentric). I’ll let you come round to my apartment every now and then (that you’re paying for), to drop things off (that you’ve bought for me).

Now I’m sure you’re eager for something a little more sexual, but I was hoping we could get away without the sex (unless you look like George Clooney, in which case, I’m willing to negotiate). I’d be willing to indulge in the occasional cuddle, perhaps some hand holding and if you have some weird foot fetish thing which involves you buying me shoes and admiring me in them, then we can definitely talk, but other than that, I will most likely shut down any sort of sexual advance you make towards me with a swift kick in the balls (and if you’re the kind of guy that enjoys that, then I’m gonna need you to move on to the next ad).

You might see pictures of me online, like the one to the left and despite what you may think, I’m not into S&M. If you are, Merry Christmas, but please take your chains and whips elsewhere. All this needs to be is a simple exchange of your money, for my thrilling company. I’d be willing to give you, oh, say, one day a month? I’d make myself available for any additional dinners etc, but naturally, I’d expect you to cover my expenses.

See, this could really be a great deal for the both of us. Think of all those expensive holidays you can send me on (you’re not invited on those, by the way. What if I meet a guy and you’re there? Awkward!), the nice dresses you can buy me, the debt you can get me out of and not to mention the shoes – oh, the shoes. And you get…to hang out with me. Hello! Win-win!

So, if you think you’re up for being my Sugar Daddy, apply within. I’m sure I’ll be absolutely inundated with emails, so I may be holding American Idol-style auditions to decide on the final ‘Daddy’.

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NOMINATE ME!

Tags: show me the money, sugar daddy
Posted in relationships | 9 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Thursday, July 15th, 2010

Dear Bangs,

My brother has this girlfriend that was ok to start with, but the longer they’ve been together the more I can see she’s a user. He does absolutely everything for her, which would be fine if she was a nice girl, but she isn’t. She does nothing to recipricate his actions and just takes, takes, takes.

It would be fine if that was it, i’d leave them to it, but he keeps inviting her out when we go out, telling me I should take her to places when I go on nights out with my friends, even to the point of suggesting I buy her stuff when I go shopping and he’ll reimburse me!!! (I’ve done none of these things I hasten to add)

My brother and I are pretty close so i’ve bitten my tongue so far, but I’m close to errupting!!

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Pissed Off Sister

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Dear Pissed Off Sister,

According to data gathered by myself, it is a statistical fact that sisters are right 99.7% of the time. That same data also suggests that brothers don’t know what they’re doing 62.8% of the time, make bad choices 47.9% of the time and are straight up idiots when it comes to girls 74.3% of the time. I have been told that this data is not wholly reliable, but it was my brother who said that and as we can see by the stats, that instantly vetoes his point of view.

Anyway, back to you. What can you do in this situation? Unfortunately, pretty much nothing. As much as it sounds like your brother is getting rolled over by a tractor trailer, covered in a steam roller, buried under a fork lift truck, it is his decision. If he’s not complaining, don’t go in there, guns blazing, talking about your beef. Nobody cares and that’s a soap opera waiting to happen.

As far as you taking her places when you’re out with friends, if you’re uncomfortable around her, don’t bother. You should make an effort to be pleasant , just for manners sake, but she ain’t your sister-in-law so it’s really not that serious. As for your bro suggesting you should buy her things, I should come round there and bitch slap him myself for that one. How about hell-to-the-no? It’s all well and good if your brother wants to treat her every now and then, but he needs to get a grip if he’s funding this girl’s entire existence without batting an eyelid.

If things come to a head, I suggest calmly explaining to your bruv that his girlfriend is just not your type of person and you don’t particularly like the way she treats him, as such, you’d rather not spend a lot of time with her. Explain that you’ll be pleasant, but you don’t plan on going above and beyond. That’s all you can do. Don’t harp on the subject, but you should definitely mention it. Sounds like your bro is wearing rose tinted glasses and doesn’t really get that he’s being rinsed dry.

Sadly, he’s gonna have to learn the hard way and come to that conclusion himself.

Smooches,

Bangs

xoxo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email bangsandabun@gmail.com

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NOMINATE ME!

Tags: advice, bitch please
Posted in relationships | 7 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

Dear Bangs,

I’m getting married and I now face the inevitable dilemma of who to invite. Or, more accurately, who can I NOT invite?

There are a couple of friends whom I would rather not have there, not because they’re not great people but because they’re just not in my close circle, they don’t know anyone within my close circle, and I just can’t relax around them for too long. I think they count me as a close friend, but we hardly ever see each other. One of them got married a year ago and invited my fiance and I to the wedding – they also generously put us up in one of their comp hotel rooms! So how do I go about not inviting them, without hurting their feelings? I can’t tell them it’s “family only” as I will be inviting my (much closer) friends.

My fiance says I should just invite them to avoid feeling guilty, but I don’t want to invite people out of obligation – and it starts getting expensive then anyway. However I also don’t want to hurt my friends’ feelings. No one wants to be a bitchy bride. Help!

Bride To Be

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Dear Bride to Be,

Well that’s quite the catch vingt-deux you’ve got going on there. Firstly, congrats on the wedding n’ all. Secondly, brace yourself, ’cause the advice you’re about to get is from a die hard singleton.

Here’s the thing with weddings – they’re big, they’re costly and someone, somewhere down the line is gonna have to do some shit they don’t wanna do (do you think your bridesmaids are thrilled about having to wear strapless gowns that have full skirts with netting? ‘Cause I’m telling you right now, they ain’t).

I used to be a travel agent (which I kinda sucked at, because on average, I want to sucker punch 1 in 3 people I come across in daily life, so am not really cut out for a customer service role) and my worst kind of clients were the ones booking destination weddings. For a kick off, I don’t think there’s anything tackier than a destination wedding, ever. And I also thought it was a damn cheek to book a holiday, which you essentially expect other people to pay for, then invite people – it’s basically like saying ‘would you like to come to my wedding? Yes? Great, here’s a bill for £1000!’ I thought these people were assholes. Then I realised the genius of it. Some people were booking destination weddings to price people out of actually attending. Have it somewhere exotic and most people can’t afford to go. Perfect! You’ve done your bit by inviting them, all that’s left for you to do is act woeful when they say they can’t make it (then switch to your Dr Evil laugh behind closed doors).

However, I’m assuming you haven’t gone down the destination wedding route so really, that little anecdote was completely pointless.

Lemme tell it like it is Bride to Be – you have no choice but to invite these people. You know why? Because you went to their wedding! That in itself doesn’t guarantee them getting an invite to yours, but you put the nail in your own coffin when you happily stayed in one of their comp hotel rooms. If you’re not all that close, why did you go to their wedding? Admit it, you couldn’t resist the hotel room and a bit of free food. No one’s mad at you for that – it’s the only reason I go to most formal events. But you can’t, after having accepted their hospitality (i.e run up their wedding bill), then suddenly decide that you’re not really all that close and you don’t want to invite them.

In short, that is terrible etiquette and really kinda rude.

Better get those invites in the mail – pronto.

Smooches,

Bangs

If you have a problem and need a little tell-it-like-it-is advice, email bangsandabun@gmail.com

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NOMINATE ME!

Tags: advice, bitch please
Posted in relationships | 14 Comments »

Mo’ (Ali)Money, Mo’ Problems

Monday, July 5th, 2010

Now that the dust has settled on the Tiger Woods saga (and as dust goes, it was quite the sand storm), talk has turned to the divorce settlement. Obviously, when you marry the richest athlete alive, it goes without saying that you’ll be in for a bit of a windfall, but recent reports have stated that Tiger’s soon-to-be-ex wife, Elin, could stand to get $750 million. How are these numbers decided upon and are they fair?

After the initial figure of $750 million was released, it emerged a few days later that it would actually be more like $100 million. Poor Elin – how on earth is she expected to keep her head above water on a mere hundred mil?! But be it $750 or just $100, when you’re talking millions, these are numbers that most of us will never have to get our heads around. I find it hard to relate to most people who don’t have the ‘rent or food’ dilemma to contend with at the end of the month.

As such, it’s hard to have sympathy for either party. There’ll be enough money for Elin to buy all the shoes she wants and Tiger will still have enough left over to get a stable of hoes (I think the plural of ‘ho’ has an ‘es’, but one can never be sure).

Tiger’s kids are surely used to the best and just because he decided to make some epically bad decisions, doesn’t mean that they should have to settle for less. I can understand keeping them in the life they’re accustomed to. And even Elin – I’m sure she came into this thinking her life would be a certain way til the end of days. From what we know, it was Tiger’s various indiscretions that threw a spanner in the works, so he should have to compensate her for that.

However, that being said, I don’t know what Elin does for a living, but like most women after a divorce, I think it’s advisable that she get up, get out and do something. She seems like a relatively together woman – I’m sure she can go out to work. She shouldn’t be sitting back waiting for a bunch of Tiger money to cushion her future existence. And if I were her, I think I’d be somewhat uncomfortable with that. How do you move on if you know your whole life is essentially funded by your scuzzbucket ex?

But what I do think is a major consideration here is the level of humiliation Elin went through. This wasn’t just any regular cheating scandal. It just kept unfolding, in a very public forum. With the recent revelation that Tiger possible has some other kids floating around as a result of his wandering dick syndrome, it seems to just continue. Elin seems like a very private person and it must be beyond mortifying to have these sort of details poured over by the press. For that alone, she deserves a huge chunk of change.

Reports have said Tiger’s willing to throw whatever money at the situation as long as Elin agrees to never speak to any media outlets. I’m sure she’s hardly in a rush to pour her heart out to Oprah about how humiliating it was to find out your husband was screwing 5000 $2 skanks.

Tiger is living proof that money can’t buy you sense.

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NOMINATE ME!

Tags: divorce, marriage, money, tiger woods
Posted in relationships | 9 Comments »

The New Breed of Floozy

Thursday, July 1st, 2010

I’ve been seeing the name Kat Stacks buzzing around the internet for the past couple of months. I wasn’t really sure who she was or what she did, so I looked into it. As soon as I did, I wish I hadn’t bothered. If this chick isn’t a complete waste of a uterus, I don’t know what is.

For those who are unaware, Kat Stacks’ day job appears to be sleeping with rappers, jumping on YouTube to tell the world she did so, giving out their telephone numbers, then trying to avoid a beat down from said rappers for exposing them. There are videos of her all over, like this one, where she brags about sleeping with Lil Wayne and his whole crew, for which Lil Wayne gave her $1200. She seems proud of that, which confuses me on two counts: 1. While I understand Mr Wayne may be a rather popular rapper, he’s hardly the best looking fella on the block and 2. Mr Wayne is a millionaire, probably a few times over. He gave you $1200. I fail to see how any of this is brag-worthy.

There’s video after video of her telling us who she’s slept with and how much money she managed to wrangle out of them. Where is all this money she’s making from it going? Certainly not on clothes or a haircut. I can’t imagine there’s much conversation taking place before intercourse because the girl’s voice sounds like nails on a blackboard and she can barely string a sentence together. Hardly the sharpest tool in the box, this poor thing doesn’t seem to have connected the dots to see that sleeping with men and getting paid for it would actually make you a prostitute.

All the men she’s slept with are outraged that they’ve been exposed. I’m no genius, but once you see a chick with questionable sexual morals screwing anything in pants and bragging about it on YouTube and you don’t want to be involved in her shit show, it’s probably be advisable to not sleep with her in the first place.

Ms Stacks is just part of a growing number of women who, rather than actually apply themselves and do something with their lives, use sex as a means of getting their 15 minutes. In my world, if you sleep with a guy and all his friends, you’d go into hiding and change your identity before you were ever caught bragging about it on the internet. This Kat Stacks is clearly a different breed, labouring in an alternate universe. When did this become OK? Why is she putting sex and money before self respect? And here’s the worrying part folks – she’s a mother! Yes, she has a child. It’s fair to say with a mother like that, that poor bastard doesn’t stand a chance.

Kat Stacks should be made to hand her vagina in at the nearest police station. She’s not intelligent enough to be in possession of one. Her and her behaviour reflect badly on all women. If the men she associates with ever step outside their bubble and approach a woman who cuts her bangs, can hold a conversation and doesn’t put out after the first 2.5 minutes, it’ll throw their whole world off its axis.

And it makes me sad, as a hip hop fan, that women like her are running all through it. It can be hard listening to hip hop at the best of times with the way some rappers talk about women, then I look at Kat Stacks and think goddamnit, they’ve got a point!

Ladies, gentlemen, children, pets, aliens, vermin, each and every living creature on earth, I urge you to ignore this idiotic walking sexually transmitted disease. Fathers, hug your daughters! God forbid you ever have a Kat Stacks on your hands. Ladies, respect yourselves. Value your sexuality and don’t just give it to whoever is willing to give you $1200. Have some class. Show a little decorum. Cover your boobs. Get a haircut. Learn to read. Speak in full sentences. Be eloquent. Be beautiful. DO BETTER. BE BETTER. GROW. LEARN. PROGRESS.

Don’t ever, in your life, aspire to be a Kat Stacks.

Tags: whores
Posted in relationships | 27 Comments »

How Easy is it to Break a Heart?

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

This week, I saw a quirky little uplifting French romantic comedy called Heartbreaker. I’m not really one for romantic comedies, but I’m always one for the French. Starring the divine Vanessa Paradis and the studly Romain Duris (the dreamboat pictured above), it’s a fairly straight forward, run of the mill, fall in love in odd circumstances-type flick, but of course, as it’s French, it’s far more charming and done with much more panache than most. But the premise of the story got me thinking of some bigger issues.

The basic story is that Alex Lippi (played by Duris) is hired to break couples up. According to Alex there are three types of women in relationships: Happy, knowingly unhappy and unknowingly unhappy.

At the beginning of the film, we see Alex working his magic and it’s clear why someone would want the couple to split. But Alex’s big job comes when he’s hired by Juliette (played by Paradis)’s father to split up her engagement. The problem is, they seem perfectly happy. Quite the perfect couple actually.

And here’s where it got me thinking (sorry, this post is not necessarily about the film, but if you’d like a condensed review: it’s a classic rom com. If it was in English, it’d suck, but because it’s French, everything is sexier and more charming. Plus, Romain Duris is ridiculously drool-worthy and there’s a scene where he dances shirtless. Worth seeing for that alone. Cheesy, but in a very well done French way).

So…back to me thinking. Is it really possible to be perfectly happy in your relationship and not realise something’s wrong until someone or something shows up to rock the boat a little?

I suppose it happens all the time. That’s how most affairs probably start. In the movie (and I don’t feel like I’m giving anything away here – it’s a romantic comedy for Christ’s sake, cryptic and unpredictable it ain’t), she ends up going with Alex. But had he not shown up, she would have gone through with her marriage and most likely lived a happy life (or you know, had a 50% chance of divorce, but let’s go with the happy thing).

So I guess my question is, are we all really that fickle? Would we all, deep down, take the chance to get out if presented with the opportunity? Even if you weren’t necessarily that unhappy with your relationship in the first place? What got me in this particular instance was that Alex fessed up about his real identity at the end and she still chose him, despite everything she thought she knew about him up to that point being a lie. How can anyone be that certain that someone’s sentiment is love?

And all of this probably answers the question as to why I’m single – I have too many damn questions. So what say you? If you’re honest with yourself, what would it take for you to walk away from your relationship?

Tags: endless questions, french movies
Posted in relationships | 11 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

Dear Bangs,

I have a friend and colleague who I feel may actually be more of a frenemie. She’s a wild card, which can make her fun, but right now it’s really rubbing me the wrong way.

We work in the same office, but for slightly different organisations. I’ve worked here longer, so maybe I’m just being resistant to change, but I don’t really think that’s the case. I think the problem is she’s a knob.

She has this sense of entitlement and authority – she has a really flamboyant style, loads of very big, very visible tattoos, she wears gold cowboy boots with knee high socks and a silk Chinese dress (it doesn’t work) and sheer tops over sheer bras. She’s obsessed with Vice magazine and has got our colleague to take topless photos of herself in the office to send to them. She talks about sex and drugs in the office, she’s always hung over and somehow our boss seems to love her.

As I’m leaving, she’s taken it upon herself to recruit for my role despite no one having asked her to. It’s nothing to do with her, but she feels this entitlement to do as she pleases. But maybe I’m being sensitive about leaving.

We went to a really nice tea party in a lovely hotel recently where I introduced her to my sister and frenamie spent the whole time shocking people by talking loudly about torture porn.

She has an internet slave. She sends him dirty underwear and he sends her money and designer shoes. That’s not too relevant – it’s just a bit weird.

So, I suppose my question is do I tell her she’s being a knob, or is that what makes her special and since I’m leaving it won’t affect me for much longer anyway. If I try to tame her will I ruin what’s special about her, or does she just need to learn?

Lots of love

Dowdy feeling friend

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Well Dowdy Feeling Friend, your friend sounds like a douchebag. Seriously, you are to be commended for withstanding the seemingly endless string of shite she appears to be hurling your way (or really just anyone’s way, whether they’re paying attention or not).

Let’s examine the various levels of douchebaggery this individual is caught up in:

a) gold cowboy boots, knee high socks and a Chinese dress – really? I mean, really?

b) the obsession with Vice Magazine – internationally recognised as the hipster douchebag journal of choice.

c) talking about sex and drugs in the office/always being hung over – ugh, just tired and classless.

d) torture porn – I don’t even know where to begin with that one.

e) the internet slave thing – I should be outraged, yet I find myself strangely jealous that she’s getting shoes out of that deal.

Alas, if I carry on, I’ll run out of alphabet.

And so, to your question: should you inform her of her twatiness or just let it slide? I think it’s clear that telling her will make absolutely no difference to her behaviour whatsoever. She’s an attention whore (and quite possibly an actual whore, on the internet at least). Everything about the behaviour you’ve described says that she goes balls out for maximum impact at all times. Telling her will undoubtedly give her an excuse (as if she’d need one) to be dramatic, start a fight, harp on about how the world’s against her….I’m falling asleep just thinking about it.

I think some of this is stemming from your feelings about leaving, but really if I were you, I would just ignore her antics. Playing into it gives her exactly what she wants. She sounds so utterly tiresome, I can’t imagine doing anything other than turning your back and walking far, far away (preferably with some lighter fluid and those gold cowboy boots).

Smooches,

Bangs

If you have a problem and need some tell-it-like-it-is advice, email bangsandabun@gmail.com

Tags: advice, bitch please
Posted in life, relationships | 7 Comments »

Ego Central

Wednesday, June 16th, 2010

independent-woman-copy1

We’ve come a long way ladies. The Suffragettes laid down the gauntlet, our mother’s generation burned their bras, our generation….well, our generation had Destiny’s Child singing about Bills, Bills, Bills (where we should expect a man to pay for everything) and then Independent Women (where a new memo went out saying we should pay for our own stuff) – confusing times. But the overall message has been that we are the shiznit. We’re all snap our fingers, you go girl, I don’t need a man, he’s not good enough for me, you deserve better – we’re a chattering, nattering sea of awfulness. That’s right, I’m just gonna go right ahead and say it – we’ve started to believe our own hype and are now completely up our own asses.

Being that we’ve been raised on a steady diet of ready-made celebrity crap, we’ve somehow convinced ourselves that nothing and no one is good enough for us. Well ladies, it’s time to have a little reality check. Not all of us are that spectacular. I’m willing to bet, you’re not half as interesting as you think you are. But you’ve watched enough MTV and TMZ to convince yourself you are. I’m not saying you should settle, relationship wise, but maybe you should think twice before looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Example: a while ago, someone I used to have on my Facebook, who is a single mother of three children (to two different fathers) and former stripper, posted a status update along the lines of: ‘My date for tonight just cancelled. Couldn’t handle the fact that I have kids. His loss!!!’

OK, that’s his loss? Seriously? I’m pretty sure that guy’s not crying himself to sleep at night about not looking after your three kids. Let’s be realistic. Now before all the single mothers get their knickers in a twist, no, I’m not saying you don’t deserve love, but at least be realistic about your situation. You will be hard pressed to find a man who wants to sign up for that. At least have enough sense to say to yourself ‘yes I want a relationship and I’m aware that my situation may be a lot for someone to handle.’ Take responsibility. But don’t snap your fingers, act like you’re the baddest bitch in town and that the man is missing out.

Women see Kanye West dating Amber Rose, who’s biggest claim to fame is shaking her ass in a few videos, and think men of that calibre should just flock to them too. Where women before us fought for equal rights so that we could better ourselves and get into better positions in society and the workplace, women now prefer to leech off the ideal of us being equal, do absolutely nothing about it and expect men to fall over themselves to take them out.

Bitch please! Get something going on in your life! Stop turning away perfectly good men because you think you can do or deserve better. A lot of women can’t and don’t. Get over yourself and get your head out of your ass. You aren’t wonderful merely by ‘being’ – try actually DOING something and you may impress someone at some point in your life.

Tags: ego, unrealistic expectations, women
Posted in relationships | 19 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

Dear Bangs,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for four good years. They’ve been up and down, but he’s my best mate, and makes me happy. Even if he is the most annoying turd at times.

We have a large group of friends who are a variety of ages between 20-40. A lot are of course couples, which is great.

Several of these said couples have decided to get engaged or have babies very recently having been together not that long. Now that’s cool, however what I wasn’t prepared for was the questions I somehow received…

“So when are you and Turd* tying the knot?”
“Four years now! Must be soon eh?!”
“Will you propose to Turd*?”
“Will you and Turd* be having babies soon?”
“Not long now! You’re next!!!”

Bloody hell.

I must point out, said engaged/up-the-duff couples aren’t happy, argue a lot, and are very odd couples. But what I don’t like is almost peer pressure. I almost felt sorry for Turd* when he was asked the other day. Talk about pushing a bunny boiler comment. I’m surprised he hasn’t made a run for it.

So two questions really Bangs. Number one, how do I tell these people firstly, I’m not engaged, judging by my finger, and have no idea when Turd* may propose. Nor do I want an idea, or want to have a forced coversation in order to decifer if Turd* feels that way.

Number two, should I feel hurt, that actually after four years, nearly the same living together, Turd* will never get to that point and I need to jog Turd* on? Or, give him some Beyonce, Single Ladies?

Either way, I wanna know!

Yours frustratedly,

Unengaged

*names have been changed to protect the innocent

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Dear Unengaged,

Ahh yes, the adult peer pressure marriage countdown. A classic.

Well, I’d invite all these friends round for dinner and make them a dish that requires a spoonful of ‘mind your own business’, a dollop of ‘shut the hell up’ and a side order of bitch slaps. Ahh, they’re well intentioned, the poor buggers. They’re so busy on cloud nine with their own pregnancy/wedding news that they probably don’t even realise how annoying those questions are.

The solution to this is simple: tell them to shut the hell up. Seriously. Just let them know, you and *Turd haven’t really talked about it, you’re good where you’re at and that’s that. Then just let them know, you know what, I’m happy for you guys, but all the questions about what me and *Turd are up to makes us kinda uncomfortable, so if and when there’s news on that front, I’ll be sure to tell you, until then, please shut the hell up about it.

As for whether you should feel offended, absolutely not. You’ve clearly got a guy who loves you – he’s stuck around for four years. Ordinarily, I would say the ‘where are we going?’ talk is suicide, but that’s only really if you’re a psycho bitch who drops that in on the second date. After four years, you do have a right to know. If you know that this is the guy you want to spend your future with, I say it’s best to discuss that with him. I wouldn’t advise donning a leotard, employing two of your friends as back up dancers and giving him the performance of a lifetime miming along to Beyonce . Don’t just come out and say ‘are we gonna get married, or what?!’ But it’s better to be open about it – that way you both know if you’re on the same page and moving in the right direction, or if it might be time to go your separate ways.

Basically, in both of these situations, you’ve just got to grow a set and say what’s what. No one can read your mind.

Smooches,

Bangs

If you need a little tell-it-like-it-is advice, email the Bitch Please Advice Column at bangsandabun@gmail.com

Tags: advice, bitch please
Posted in relationships | 11 Comments »

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