How to Hype: Pippa Middleton’s Ass
I’m not one for celebrity gossip magazines. The very sight of them at the check out at the supermarket makes me do very overly dramatic eye rolls to ensure everyone around me knows and understands my distaste. But try to avoid it all you want, if you’ve been living and breathing over the past couple of months, you’ve no doubt become more than familiar with the legend that is Pippa Middleton’s ass. From what I understand, Pippa’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, bringing with it a newly reignited ass debate.
Not since J-Lo have people been so up in arms over an ass. In previous times, as a white woman, your only responsibility was to have big boobs, but a sweet rack will only get you so far these days ladies. Lopez changed the game. You can even have a sub-standard face now if your ass is right. I’ve seen a shapely set of buttocks mesmerize a man before. I’ve seen them crash cars, walk into lamp posts, lose the ability to speak – so hypnotic is the power of the ass. No no, don’t you go thinking boobs will get you by in life.
Watch any hip hop video and you’ll see a plethora of shapely black women with ample, perky bottoms. They are called ‘Video Vixens’ – a whole industry in which only the enormity of your ass and your ability to shake it seem to matter. I’m not sure if they have a union, or what that would even involve, but they are a force.
So, all of this has led to us actually having to care about our bums. Now there’s all sorts of ‘shaping’ undergarments one can wear (if you’re not particularly enamoured with the gym route), implants (should you want to put money where your crack is), trainers and flip flops especially designed to give you uplift in that area (if you’re OK with walking around in orthopedic looking clod hoppers for the years it’ll take to achieve that). Personally, all I ever really cared about was if I had a VPL (that’s a Visible Panty Line for the fellas who don’t know) and if my push up bra was making the girls look alright. Now, I have to consider what’s going on behind me.
See, it’s just a fact that white women have never been particularly well endowed in that area. You can’t pit us against someone like J-Lo – that’s a totally unfair fight! But to hold up Pippa Middleton as the ambassador of ass for us? I take issue with this. Pippa, who looks like she may have to run around in the shower to get wet. Any pictures I’ve seen of Pippa’s supposed ‘ass’ is like pin the tail on the donkey – I can’t locate the source. What are we all going so nuts over here? I thought the whole obsession with ass was that there be some meat on the hind parts.
But maybe I’m getting it all wrong and the hailing of Pippa’s ass is really a return to a simpler time – when asses could be small and no one really paid attention to them. Wishful thinking?
Excuse me while I go do some squats.
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Tags: ass, booty, J-Lo, Pippa Middleton's Arse
