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Glastonbury Survival Guide

Anyone following me on Twitter will know that this past weekend, I popped my festival cherry and went to Glastonbury. I have often watched scenes of this legendary music festival on TV and thought, quite honestly, that’s the last place I’d ever want to go. But, when I was offered the chance to experience it (VIP-style, naturally and staying in a hotel – that’s how I roll) I thought ‘hey, you only live once.’ So I packed my rain mac and my wellies and headed deep into the countryside to see what all the fuss was about.

We arrived on the Thursday and joy of joys, it had been raining already so the site (which is about eight miles around) was a sea of mud. We spent that evening in the West Holts bar where Havana Club put on a party like no other.

Vince Vella and Charlie Dark DJ’d, a percussionist banged out some awesome beats to the records and a live band, comprising an excellent horn section, added some Latin flavour to some old favourites (a spot of Tinie Tempah’s ‘Pass Out’ remixed with an afro-Cuban beat anyone?). The dance floor was packed all night, even the bar staff often forgot to serve you as they were too busy dancing. Good vibes all round.

Then came the reality of festival life. Allow me to break down some things you need to know:

Navigating your way anywhere on the Glastonbury site is a pain in the ass, but particularly at 3 in the morning, in the pitch black, wading through knee high mud.

Given that the site spans eight miles, it takes an age to get anywhere. It took us over an hour to walk to our car. I suppressed any diva urge I had to demand a golf cart/piggy back/helicopter and toughed it out, but in all seriousness, had I not been with a man, I would’ve found it all a bit scary. Everyone is off their faces and I definitely would’ve felt safety was an issue if I was alone.

I used a loo at the festival site once and once only. It was the single most horrifying experience of my life.

I have a thing about public loos in general. Confined spaces, locks – just file it under one of my fears. The thought of using the facilities outside was upsetting enough….and then you see them….and then you smell them. I won’t be able to finish typing this sentence without throwing up at the memory so I’ll just leave it there, suffice to say, there isn’t enough hand sanitizer in the world to cleanse me.

I don’t know how anyone actually got to see any musical acts

The majority of my time was spent walking, endlessly, through mud, attempting to get to another stage to hear some music. The combination of mud and a crap load of people meant that everything was very slow moving. You had to just move with the crowd and go at its pace. I was there for 48 hours and saw two acts.

If I’d have camped, I would’ve been in tears

It pretty much goes without saying that you’re not gonna see me in a tent in this lifetime, but at this Glastonbury, with that unrelenting rain and that sea of mud, I cannot imagine what people camping went through. I suppose if you’re off your face enough and don’t particularly care about hygiene, then it’s not an issue. But for those of us who are tee total and like to wash, camping is never really gonna work out.

There is no such thing as ‘Festival Chic’

I don’t know how many pages women’s magazines waste on this but the entire concept of ‘Festival Chic’ is a myth. No one’s doing flowers in the hair, long flowing maxi dresses, suede waist coats or any of that other bollocks. People are, however, clearly wearing all the shit they bought that they never wear under normal circumstances, don’t mind getting dirty, keeps them warm and dry. I didn’t see one person rocking a ‘look’. If anything, Glastonbury is where fashion goes to die.

Despite all of the above, I had a blast

Seriously, I had a great time. It was a once in a lifetime experience for me. Despite the rain and mud, despite the hideous lavatory situation, despite the 48 hour mud walking work out, I laughed, I danced in the rain, I loved the sweet sounds I did manage to hear. The circumstances were far from ideal, but you can choose how you’re going to respond to it, so I just decided to make the most of it and enjoy myself. It all comes down to the company you keep, so to my company, it wouldn’t have been the same without you and I wouldn’t have done it with anyone else. Thank you.

And a massive thank you to Kiran of Tea and Cake and Havana Club for allowing me to have the experience.

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Tags: Glastonbury, Music Festivals, survival guide