Archive for 2010

Let’s (Not) Talk About Sex Baby

Thursday, December 9th, 2010

I don’t want to know about your sex life. I’m not a prude, I don’t suffer from any sort of catholic guilt about my decision to engage in such relations prior to marriage, I’m not uptight or repressed or whatever else – I just don’t know to know all the intimate details about what you do, with whom, between the sheets. Simply isn’t my business. But we live in an age of over-sharing. Lines of appropriateness get crossed on a daily basis. A casual joke, turning a perfectly innocent phrase into a crazy sexual innuendo, whispering to your coworker on your lunch break about how good your boyfriend gave it to you last night – kindly keep it to yourself.

I’ve been at a restaurant and heard women discussing their vibrators. Nothing will put you off a sirloin steak quicker, let me tell you. I’ve listened to girls discuss their sex lives in intimate detail and cringed. I’ve had male friends tell me the kinky stuff they’ve done with girls and had that awful, mortifying moment of realisation that at some point, one of my former lovers may have had that conversation with his friends too.

Call me old fashioned, but I kind of think any discussion about any sweet jungle lovin’ I may or may not be making should be solely reserved for the fella I may or may not be making it with. You may notice I never discuss sex on this blog. While a fair few people have stumbled across this site by Googling ‘shoe porn’ that’s about as pornographic as it ever gets on here. I don’t think talking about it is wrong and it doesn’t necessarily make me uncomfortable, it’s just more of a time and a place issue. Hanging out in public places, I’d be pretty mortified if my friend tried to break down her various sexual exploits to me and ask my advice. But a quiet girls night in – then it’s not so bad. But even so, there have to be lines, clear rules of what is and isn’t off limits, don’t there?

I think for most people, when they’re younger, nothing is out of bounds when it comes to the discussion of sex, but that’s because everyone’s new to it and just trying to figure out if their doing it right, more than for the gory details. But now, as I approach the big 3-0, when I hear women my age going into more detail than you’d give a priest at confession, I can’t help but think how wildly inappropriate it is. Does your man know that all your friends know how well endowed he is? Or what his favourite position is? Or that he does this thing with his tongue that makes your toes curl? No wonder your friends stare at his mouth whenever they’re over for dinner. Would you want your fella’s friends knowing that kind of info about you?

There’s a lot to be said for privacy, mystery and just straight up having some class. We don’t want or need to know it all.

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Posted in relationships | 14 Comments »

The Bitchy Boys

Wednesday, December 8th, 2010

It’s no secret that women can be bitchy. A raised eyebrow here, a dirty look there, graduating to the backhanded compliment, gossiping behind people’s backs and lastly, the full on bitch fest smackdown. Oh yes, we’ve all either been that girl, known that girl or hated that girl. But what has been largely perceived as a predominantly female trait, bitchiness has some new contenders to the throne: boys. Oh yes, the fellas have turned bitchy and they’re taking no prisoners.

The epidemic of Man Bitch has been spreading for some time now. Don’t get this confused with super camp gay men who will snap their fingers and roll their necks while cursing out your outfit – the Man Bitch has infected every type of male on the man spectrum.

Men love to bitch and gossip and put people down just as much, if not more so than women. Ever noticed how if a group of girls are bitching and a man’s present, he’ll act aloof at first but by the end of the conversation he’s the one throwing down the worst insults? Or that men are super talented at mixing shit up, going behind people’s backs, telling stories they know will rile someone up or hurt them – in the past, this was put down the the male mentality of ‘survival of the fittest’ but let’s call it what it really is: bitchy. I mean, that’s what it is if a woman goes behind people’s backs and does those things, right? Then there’s ‘The Game’, you know that code that some men use to pick up women that requires them to ‘neg’ the ladies in their presence (pay them a backhanded compliment) – while every pick up manual tells the fellas this is a sure fire way to pick up chicks, it is, for all intents and purposes, a bitch move.

For years, male bitchiness has managed to fly under the radar. It was just all so beneath them, or so they had us believe. But one thing has blown their cover: the internet. And in particular, blog comments.

Blog comments is where the Man Bitch comes out to play. It’s like he’s been jerking off for years and the right blog that says just the right thing to piss him off is where he can finally shoot his load. I’ve had negative comments left on this blog before, by women, but the nasty comments, the straight up brutal, hurtful, hideous can’t-believe-you-kiss-your-own-mother-with-that-mouth type comments are almost exclusively always left by men. They go for the jugular.

If a woman leaves a mean blog comment, or bitches you out to your face in real life, the common response from those around you is ‘she’s just jealous.’ Because of course, we like to allow ourselves to think that everyone wants what we’ve got. But if a man leaves a mean comment, the common response is ‘he just wants you.’ While my ego would like to believe that every man roaming the earth is just that attracted to me, I’m pretty sure that isn’t the case. Men leave these comments (usually about our looks or how hideous our personalities are) because they like to think their opinion matters to us, that I live for the sole purpose of strangers on the internet finding me attractive, that if they call me ugly I’ll be running and hurling myself off the nearest bridge.

Well, I’m still here bitch.

Perhaps there need to be more open forums in which men can show their true bitchy colours – support groups, what have you – so they don’t feel they have to hide behind pseudonyms or anonymity on the internet. Say it loud and proud Man Bitches! You bitch and you like it!

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Posted in relationships | 10 Comments »

A Beginner’s Guide to X Factor

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

Every Saturday and Sunday night, UK tweeters gather themselves and sit down to flood each other’s timelines with tweets about The X Factor, a popular Simon Cowell money making machine where the public vote on their favourite singing contestant. Many of my followers from other parts of the world have tweeted me to say they have no idea what X Factor is, but they enjoy my tweets about it. So, I thought I’d put together this handy beginners guide, especially since they’re threatening to take this bombshell of a show to America. Brace yourselves…

The Judges

From Left to Right we have Louis Walsh, a simple Irishman (simple being the operative word there) responsible for big boy band acts such as Westlife and Boyzone. Never heard of them? Praise the Baby Jesus for that small mercy. Dannii Minogue, sister of the only other person on the planet with the surname Minogue, Kylie. She used to be in an Australian soap opera. Her musical career consisted of about two failed singles, so she’s perfect to judge a show like this where that is the kind of career span the winner can expect. Cheryl Cole, member of girl group Girls Aloud who rose to fame on a similar talent show. Commonly referred to as ‘The Nation’s Sweetheart’ she married a footballer, divorced a footballer and had malaria. *shrug* That’s pretty much all I know. Simon Cowell, the man needs no introduction really; wears white T Shirts and jeans, bathes in money.

The Contestants

These are the few left headed to this week’s final this Saturday. Keep in mind this has been whittled down from about 247 acts when the season started. Actually, it was more like 14, but it seems the 2010 X Factor show has been going on since about 2006, so it’s hard to know where we’re at. Anyhoo…

One Direction

Favourites to win, these five lads were actually all rejected from the show when they auditioned as soloists, but Cowell smelled money and forced them together to form a group. Look at them, all steely glares and Beiber hair – they’ve pretty much got this in the bag. They come on stage and there’s a party in the pants of every 14 year old girl in the country.


Cher Lloyd

Cher caught everyone’s attention when she walked on stage for her first audition and this tiny white girl announced she’d be singing ‘Turn my Swag On by Soulja Boi but the Keri Hilson version.’ Not quite the usual song choice for these kind of things. It was all so promising. Then came the live shows where she started throwing raps in to every song imaginable and being a generally cocky twat. She’ll lose the show, but will get at least one album out of her white girl rap singing before descending into full on heroin addiction.


Matt Cardle

He’s a painter/decorator with a dream. He has stubble and can sing a bit – this has won many-a-mother over. He strums his guitar a bit and a thousand heart strings flutter. That stubble may just take him all the way to the top. After all, it’s not as illegal to like him as it is One Direction.


Rebecca Ferguson

She’s shy. She’s from Liverpool (that place that The Beatles are from). She has two kids. Her story arc has been her ‘coming out of her shell.’ Unfortunately the shell seems to have a kung fu grip on her ability to dance, even to club classics like Show Me Love, which is a travesty really.

So there you have it. This weekend, one of these acts will be crowned the winner and we’ll all have to find something else to do with our Saturday nights. God forbid we have to go out get lives.

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Posted in life | 15 Comments »

Paris Half Marathon Training Diary

Monday, December 6th, 2010

As you know, myself and 19 of my Twitter buddies are running the Paris Half Marathon on March 6th 2011 in aid of Refuge (a great charity that helps women and children escape domestic violence). I thought I’d post videos of my training over the next few months. I keep it varied, so this is just a short little something I did after work today. Bad hair, leggings, sweat – welcome, my friends, to my ‘zone’. It ain’t pretty.

If you’d like to donate to our cause, go to www.justgiving.com/teambangsontherun

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Posted in life, video blogs | 2 Comments »

Turning Giving into a Cartoon

Monday, December 6th, 2010

Over the weekend, Facebook turned into a sea of animation as person after person changed their profile picture to a cartoon character from their youth, to ‘raise awareness of child abuse.’ Well, congratulations Facebookers, all those pictures of Thundercats have completely eradicated child abuse issues the world over! How about next week, we tackle world hunger? Am I being a little harsh? Pardon me, I just fail to see what any of this does to raise awareness about anything.

When you changed your picture to a cartoon character, did you light a candle and say a prayer for a child who’s being abused? Probably not. Did you put your hand in your pocket and donate to a children’s charity? Probably not. But I bet you and your friends reminisced over the wonders of He Man and She-Ra like there was no tomorrow.

It’s the same when I get these messages on Facebook telling me to change my status to the colour of the bra I’m wearing to ‘raise awareness’ about breast cancer, ‘but don’t tell the boys!’ So I’m supposed to raise awareness by not telling half the population what the hell I’m talking about? Hmm, bit of a dead end. So, you change your status to your bra colour, great. Did you do a breast exam? Did you tell your friends to check themselves? Did you book a mammogram? And isn’t not telling the boys a bit counterproductive? Wouldn’t they like to know what to do if they found a lump in their girlfriend’s breast or their own (because it can happen to them too)?

We live in an age of armchair activism. Social media has given us the ability to spout the most while doing the least. Wait, I can change the world by doing a status update and I don’t have to actually get off my ass and do anything? Perfect! It gives people the illusion that you care. I understand that’s not the case for everyone but the reality is that the vast majority of people who changed their profile pictures to cartoon characters, most likely did not donate to a children’s charity or take any steps to make children safer in their community.

If you want to make a difference, you donate your time or money to your chosen cause. Not everyone wants to scream their efforts from the rooftop but since I imagine most of the comments on this post will be along the lines of ‘well what have you done?’ here goes: I’m organising 20 girls to run the Paris Half Marathon in aid of Refuge, a charity who help women and children escape domestic violence. I’ve been training for it since the beginning of November and whenever I go on a training run, I’m thinking about the goal of raising £10K. I bought hats, scarves, gloves and toiletries for the women at my local homeless shelter because I figure they could use a few of the  creature comforts I take for granted. I made sure that all the Christmas cards I bought were from charities. I won’t go into what’s going on in my personal life, suffice to say, financial insecurity is playing a large part right now, but I’m doing the little I can to make a difference, however small.

I tweet out the link to my running team’s Just Giving page and people retweet it or ‘like’ it on Facebook but are yet to donate a penny to it. Retweeting and ‘liking’ makes them feel as if they’ve done their bit. Don’t get me wrong, I truly do appreciate it, but what does a Retweet translate into for a woman trying to get away from a husband who beats her? Pass the buck in the hopes that someone else will part with their money so you don’t have to?

However bad you have it, someone has it worse. Your time or money will always mean more to a charity than jumping on a bandwagon and taking ‘profile picture action.’

Posted in life | 29 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

Dear Bangs,

I have a problem with my girlfriend’s sister being spoiled rotten and rude. My girlfriend and I bend over backwards to help her through her college studies, boy troubles, life problems, etc., in the hopes that she’ll see how much we do for her, but to no avail. My girlfriend and her sister now live together and I spend a sizable amount of time there sharing space with both of them. The other roommates feel that they can complain to me constantly about the sister being a terrible roommate because they know I am close the situation.  We are all 21+ and thus should be mature and respectful, however the sister burns bridges everywhere she goes and blurts awful profanities to her family and myself whenever she’s not laughing at her family for their mistakes.  Her family just ignore these outbursts when they occur, become upset and lecture my girlfriend to not bring bad feelings to the dinner table whenever she points out that her sister is being awful.

I can handle it when all of this goes on around me but does not include me. However, I have a problem when she is a bitch to me to my face and I can’t say or do anything about it. I am studying to be a research chemist and professor, and I expect respect from the people in my life, especially from people who know my future plans. My girlfriend is very sweet and caring and doesn’t deserve any of this abuse, nor do her family or I. Unfortunately I have no idea what to do besides just ignore these instances until she is no longer in our lives and attempt an out of sight, out of mind approach. I am very methodical and logical, and not nearly as emotional as these sisters.  My question is, can I do anything from the position of boyfriend of the sister?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Boyfriend

———————————-

Dear Frustrated Boyfriend,

What is your stance on violence? I feel like a few swift backhands could resolve this situation.

I am, of course, joking. A bit.

This chick sounds highly douchtastic and I commend your patience. I’m surprised you say she’s over 21 because she seems to have a severe case of Spoiled Brat Syndrome.

There are a number of things you can do as the boyfriend to help ease this situation.

1. The sisters should not be living together. Clearly that’s doing nothing but piling crap on an already crappy situation. Suggest your girlfriend move out. Or set fire to the sister’s room. I kid.

2. The roommates complaining to you – shut them down. Plain and simple. Don’t entertain those conversations and throw fuel on their bitchfesting fire. Let them know that if they have a problem with her, they should tell her about it. No dude likes to be hurled in the middle of girly nonsense – hell, most girls don’t like to be in the middle of it either – so just shut it down and say they’re talking to the wrong person, which they are.

3. You say you don’t like it when she says things to your face and you can’t do anything about it. Umm, WRONG! Again – Shut. It. Down. People only treat you the way you let them. It would be wise for you to tell her once, firmly (yet not argumentatively) that you, for want of a better phrase, ‘don’t play that shit’ and she should really take her nonsense elsewhere.

4. Freeze her out. This chick is a brat. An attention seeking little brat. The more you react to it, object to it, kick up a fuss about it, the more she gets just what she wants – attention. Ignore her, completely (and hopefully the rest of the people she’s attempting to tie up in her little game will do the same) and watch how quickly her attitude seems to change. Funny how that happens when people wind up with no friends.

5. Extract yourself. The sister is a pest. Clearly you don’t like her, your girlfriend doesn’t seem to like her much either, so just extract yourselves from the situation. Don’t hang out with her when you know all she’s going to do is spout an endless stream of bullshit that will piss everybody off. And it is here that I refer you back to point 1, which is that your girlfriend and her sister should not be living together if they want to avoid breaking each other’s jaws at some point.

So there you have it. In a nutshell, shut it down! The sister appears to have all the power in this situation as people are condoning it by not saying anything. Shut her down, ignore her, remove yourself from the situation – simples. She’ll find Jesus about two weeks after that and be begging everyone for forgiveness.

Smooches,

Bangs

xoxo

If you have a problem and need some no nonsense advice, email bangs@bangsandabun.com

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Posted in relationships | 5 Comments »

Christmas Cheer

Wednesday, December 1st, 2010

It’s December 1st! That means I can finally start talking about Christmas! Woo hoo! Yes, you may very well be surprised to find that I love Christmas. Sure, I hate the music, but aside from that, I heart the Crimble season. I’m not so bothered about the gifts (though I do love the thrill of finding the perfect thing for the perfect person), it’s more about family, food, that warm and fuzzy feeling. Lights, decorations, how people are a bit nicer, all that good stuff.

Last year, I talked about how much I love writing letters and how I channeled that into sending Christmas cards to my blog and Twitter followers. And guess what? That’s right amigos! I’m gonna do the same thing this year! So, if you like Christmas and cards and receiving things in the mail, then email your name (and Twitter name if relevant) and address to bangs@bangsandabun.com and I’ll send you a card. Simples!

Last Christmas, I ended up sending about 50 cards to complete strangers and I loved it. I’m not having a big Christmas this year so it’ll bring me mucho joy to be able to spread good tidings and whatnot to others.

So, what are you waiting for? Send me your address already!

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Posted in life | 7 Comments »

Favourite Things: My Cardigan

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

I have an emotional attachment to a lot of my clothes. There are quite a few pieces in my wardrobe that have stories behind them. When I put them on, they remind me of a place or time or feeling. The cut of the cloth, the feel of the fabric, it’s the little things, that make wearing them that much more of a treat.

I’ve spoken before about Mama Bangs and her history with fashion. The above cardigan is a Mama Bangs creation. (It’s probably supposed to be called some sort of weird hybrid word now like a ‘cardi-coat’ or a ‘coat-igan’ but whatever). She knit this for me back in 2005, just before I moved to Japan. We came across the pattern as we flicked through Vogue Knitting one day (yes, this is what we do with our time). I fell in love with it and begged her to make it for me.

Wool bought, knitting needles at the ready, she started. For two weeks we listened to the click clack of the needles as the cardigan grew. She made a mistake in the back and wanted to undo it all so she could correct it, but I told her not to – I liked the quirk. When it was finished, putting it on was the best thing ever.

The cardigan came with me to Japan, then Montreal, then Toronto, then Halifax, now back home. Wherever I’ve been, putting that cardigan on feels like getting a big hug from my mum.

Without fail whenever I wear it, people stop me and ask me where I got it and I beam with pride as I say ‘My mama made it.’ I keep trying to pimp her out and get her to start making them for other people – it’s a rough economy out there, let’s make a little money on the side! But then, my Mama Bangs original wouldn’t be so original.

What clothes do you have that conjure up certain memories for you?

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Posted in fashion | 10 Comments »

My Dirty Little Secret

Monday, November 29th, 2010

I’ve debated whether or not to write this blog for a long time. It’s a hugely embarrassing subject for me. Mortifying actually. I actively avoid this conversation whenever possible. I mean, it’s hard, ’cause it’s out there, for people to see, but it doesn’t stop me from shying away, hiding, constantly looking for the exit. I hate this thing about myself and I’m sure that anyone else who suffers from it feels the same. I have reached a point however, where I’m so frustrated by it, that my embarrassment has to make way for solutions and letting others know that I know how they feel. So here goes…

*deep breath*

I have bad skin. Terrible skin actually. I’ve had acne since I was about 13. I’ll be 30 next year and it ain’t going anywhere. It is a mortifying problem to have. I have always longed to be one of those fresh faced girls, with glowing skin, who can wake up in the morning, splash water on their face and bound out of the house, all smug that I’m all natural. Instead, I have to spend God knows how long concealing the bad areas of my skin, only for it to make no difference at all because people can still tell. There are days I don’t want to leave the house. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve cancelled plans due to a break out. And all I can think is; I shouldn’t be going through this. Not at my age.

I’ve tried everything there is to try for this condition. I’ve read every magazine article and tested every handy hint from beauty experts. I’ve done everything from regular old antibiotics, to topical treatments, to chinese herbal remedies, to toothpaste, to face masks, to steam, to £60 facials once a week, to 8 glasses of water a day, to every specially developed acne skin care treatment you care to imagine, to totally changing my diet, to vitamins – you name it, I’ve done it. Nothing works. I’ve had stretches of time where a combination of vitamins does work, but eventually, my skin goes back to its rebellious ways.

Doctors don’t take this seriously. Just write a prescription for another antibiotic and get her out of the office. They don’t understand the highly emotional aspect of this condition, as a woman, where we are constantly judged by our appearance. I am someone who doesn’t even like to take Asprin if I have a headache and I’ve had doctors flat out tell me I’d have to be on antibiotics for the rest of my life. Which would be hideous enough, even if they did work. Not one has ever wanted to look at the causes with me or taken my requests to be referred to a specialist seriously.

On the rare occasions I have spoken about it with friends, they’re kind enough to say ‘but I can’t even notice it.’ Well that’s nice, but you can’t notice it because I spent have an hour tipping a vat of concealer over my face before I left the house and if it gets too hot in here it’s gonna literally blow my cover! But also, it doesn’t matter if I conceal it well and no one else notices, because I know, when the makeup comes off and it’s just me and the mirror, it’s still there. And it’s heartbreaking.

So there you have it. My dirty little secret. Not everything is always as it seems. I literally put a brave face on because I have no choice but to be ‘out there’, but beneath it, it’s something I’m constantly conscious of. So next time, before you point out to someone how bad their skin is (which believe it or not, some people love to do), trust me when I tell you, we know. We are painfully aware. I wrote this out of frustration, because it was time, because I deal with it every day, because I’ve just finished a two month course of yet another antibiotic that hasn’t worked and because I want others who suffer from it to know I understand. Feel free to share your dirty little secrets in the comments so I’m not flapping out here in the breeze! Also, if you have any acne remedies that you feel are sure fire winners that I may not have tried, by all means let me know.

Thanks for listening.

*big sigh of relief*

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Posted in life | 79 Comments »

Not So Flashy

Thursday, November 25th, 2010

Have you ever had the misfortune of being flashed by some creepy weirdo on the train? In an alleyway? On the street? If you have, you know the helpless, horrible feeling of not knowing what to do, if it’s worth saying anything and just the general befuddlement of why anyone would do such a thing anyway. What kind of kicks does a guy get from flashing his wang at an unsuspecting stranger? It says a lot about the male ego that these idiots flatter themselves into thinking anyone is even remotely interested in seeing their package.

So, enter my hero. You may have seen this video crop up on YouTube this week of a woman expressing her disgust having just been flashed by the creepy, guilty looking dude standing in front of her.

Can we all just take a moment to give this woman a standing frikkin’ ovation? She did what so many women have been afraid to do. She spoke up. Loudly. Without apology or fear. She probably wasn’t thinking how inspiring this moment would be to others, or the wonderful example she has set, but for that, I thank her. As a woman who was victim to a rather scary incident of flashing, also on the New York subway (which is apparently the capital of Pervert-ville), I wish I’d have had this woman’s courage. I was 23, by myself and I was stupidly getting the train home at 2am. A young guy came through my carriage with a bunch of friends, stopped in front of me, pulled his pants down and proudly displayed his penis as his friends surrounded me leaving me with no escape. He probably stood there for 15 seconds, but it felt like an hour. There were other people in the carriage. They watched what was happening. No one said anything.

The person I am today would do exactly what that woman in the YouTube clip did. I’d pull the emergency chord and I’d be loud and draw attention to what that perverted freak just did. No one has the right to do that to me. I don’t care if he touched me or not. It’s a violation and it’s unacceptable.

I feel even more compelled to do that after reading this article which explains that the above YouTube video got a lot of referrals from a site called dickflash.com, a delightfully seedy corner of the internet for ‘exhibitionists’. Yes, they have their own site, just as plenty of other sick men with sexual perversions do, to share their seedy little lives with each other. The comments posted in response to this video on dickflash.com included: ‘She should be thankful he flashed his dick at her,’ ‘I would rape the fuck out of that noisy bitch,’ ‘She’s not upset about the flash, she’s upset she hasn’t been laid in two years.’ Others lament at the silliness of these men choosing to flash in crowded public places, when they should obviously strike when a woman is alone and vulnerable and easier to attack. Silly, silly flashers.

What comes across in the comments is that it’s actually all the women’s fault. We’re uptight, we haven’t been laid, we should be thankful they flashed us, we’re more likely to react loudly on a train because we’ll feel more ‘comfortable’ as others are there, rather than if they corner us alone.

Well yes, you ignorant, perverted prick (pun intended), we sure do feel the need to get loud because we’re more ‘comfortable’ in a crowded place. Maybe it’s because people will listen to us. People will see the relentless stream of bullshit that we are often subjected to by idiots such as yourself who think you’re doing womankind a favour by flashing us your privates. So many women suffer in silence, freeze when it happens to them, not knowing what to do. I hope more women get loud, get in your face and most of all, get video of you and post it all over YouTube, assholes!

Ladies please, if this ever happens to you, take a leaf from our red headed hero up there and shout about it.

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Posted in life | 18 Comments »