The Bitch Please Advice Column

Dear Bangs,

I’m an independent, single mother who hates to ask for help from anyone. Because of this, I had a tendency to date guys that didn’t have a pot to piss in. I felt better if I was the breadwinner because I didn’t want to have the feeling of owing anybody anything. This outlook basically made the guys wither up and die on my couch. I got rid of them one by one because they never showed any motivation to do anything with their lives. I decided to focus on finding an equally contributing partner, where we’d both pull our weight.

I married a man that seemed to be the complete opposite of all these guys. He seemed to have his life together and told me he was ready to settle and begin building a future. He travels with his job and is gone about a week at a time. Everything was great between us until after marriage. Now he is worse than all the ones I dated before. He still works, but I have to practically pull his share of the bills from him and sometimes he doesn’t let go. When he gets back into town, he doesn’t come home until 4 or 5 in the morning. I find condoms and loose Viagra pills in his pockets. I used his phone to make a call one day and he had 12 different girls texting him sexy messages. He had Voicemails of girls crying and pleading with him to respond and how they would do anything to be with him. We didn’t live together before marriage so none of this was evident to me, otherwise it would never have happened.

I am not asking how to change him. I’m straight-up divorcing his ass. I used to think the guys were the losers, but I’m starting to think it’s me because I am the only thing that is the same in all these relationships. What do I need to change about myself to stop allowing these men into my life? Am I too confident or secretely insecure? I’ll be 30 soon, so would really like to understand what is going on with me that causes this incompatible attraction. I’m not a woman that gets so wrapped up in a guy that I can’t function when he hurts me. I feel the pain, but I don’t see the point in trying to patch things over just for him to do it again. I let him go and move on. How do I improve myself to attract a new and improved partner? Thanks for any advise you may have. I appreciate your straight to the point, no BS approach to helping people get back to reality.

Sincerely,

S.M.G

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Dear S.M.G,

If ever there was an email that could’ve been written by me, this would be it. Well, aside from the marriage and kid thing – but I totally hear you on the dating of douchenozzles front.

I have been there many times over. Why do we get involved with them? Well, speaking for myself, as much as I love my singledom, the truth is, sometimes I just want some company. Up to this point in my life, since I haven’t been too sure what I want on the relationship front, I haven’t really laid out my specifics when I got involved with someone. So, I meet a guy, he seems alright, we get involved and as time goes on, his douchy ways inevitably reveal themselves, but oftentimes, I’d overlook it because I was never really trying to get to serious anyway, right? Then not too long after that, I’ve had enough, the relationship’s done and I’m back at square one.

My advice? You’ve taken the right step already in acknowledging that you are the common denominator in the situation. These guys and these relationships wouldn’t be happening if we didn’t let them. I too, am at the phase where I’m trying to figure myself out and what’s going on with me for me to have consistently have been in bad relationships. I can tell you outright not to do what I’m doing, which is basically hiding because I’m petrified of getting involved with anyone again only for the same thing to happen. Don’t do that! All I can continue to do right now is work on me til I feel the time is right. That’s what I’d advise you too.

Simple steps would be to make sure you’re punching your weight when you meet someone. You sound like you have your shit together, so clearly, if you’re meeting someone who’s on the dole or has a thousand hair-brained ideas that never come to fruition, well, you’ve been there, done that and you know you simply shouldn’t entertain it. When you feel like you have a guy who’s on the right track, talk! Talk through your plans, goals, aspirations and ideas, make sure you’re on the same page and want to move in that direction together. If he’s not willing to entertain that discussion, then he’s not the one.

Trying to find the right fit is tiring and frustrating and sometimes, along the way, we’ll settle, just to have some company and affection in the meantime. But I think if you’re honest with yourself, as I have been, you knew early on in your relationships that something wasn’t right and you ignored it hoping it would get better. If it feels wrong, it probably is. Your gut never lies to you.

So, looks like we’re in this together my friend – hang tight, don’t rush, work on you. I have faith that when the time’s right, a guy will tune in to my frequency and blow my mind with his awesomeness. I have a feeling one will for you too.

Smooches,

Bangs

xoxo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email bangs@bangsandabun.com

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