The Bitch Please Advice Column
Dear Bangs,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four good years. They’ve been up and down, but he’s my best mate, and makes me happy. Even if he is the most annoying turd at times.
We have a large group of friends who are a variety of ages between 20-40. A lot are of course couples, which is great.
Several of these said couples have decided to get engaged or have babies very recently having been together not that long. Now that’s cool, however what I wasn’t prepared for was the questions I somehow received…
“So when are you and Turd* tying the knot?”
“Four years now! Must be soon eh?!”
“Will you propose to Turd*?”
“Will you and Turd* be having babies soon?”
“Not long now! You’re next!!!”
Bloody hell.
I must point out, said engaged/up-the-duff couples aren’t happy, argue a lot, and are very odd couples. But what I don’t like is almost peer pressure. I almost felt sorry for Turd* when he was asked the other day. Talk about pushing a bunny boiler comment. I’m surprised he hasn’t made a run for it.
So two questions really Bangs. Number one, how do I tell these people firstly, I’m not engaged, judging by my finger, and have no idea when Turd* may propose. Nor do I want an idea, or want to have a forced coversation in order to decifer if Turd* feels that way.
Number two, should I feel hurt, that actually after four years, nearly the same living together, Turd* will never get to that point and I need to jog Turd* on? Or, give him some Beyonce, Single Ladies?
Either way, I wanna know!
Yours frustratedly,
Unengaged
*names have been changed to protect the innocent
————————
Dear Unengaged,
Ahh yes, the adult peer pressure marriage countdown. A classic.
Well, I’d invite all these friends round for dinner and make them a dish that requires a spoonful of ‘mind your own business’, a dollop of ‘shut the hell up’ and a side order of bitch slaps. Ahh, they’re well intentioned, the poor buggers. They’re so busy on cloud nine with their own pregnancy/wedding news that they probably don’t even realise how annoying those questions are.
The solution to this is simple: tell them to shut the hell up. Seriously. Just let them know, you and *Turd haven’t really talked about it, you’re good where you’re at and that’s that. Then just let them know, you know what, I’m happy for you guys, but all the questions about what me and *Turd are up to makes us kinda uncomfortable, so if and when there’s news on that front, I’ll be sure to tell you, until then, please shut the hell up about it.
As for whether you should feel offended, absolutely not. You’ve clearly got a guy who loves you – he’s stuck around for four years. Ordinarily, I would say the ‘where are we going?’ talk is suicide, but that’s only really if you’re a psycho bitch who drops that in on the second date. After four years, you do have a right to know. If you know that this is the guy you want to spend your future with, I say it’s best to discuss that with him. I wouldn’t advise donning a leotard, employing two of your friends as back up dancers and giving him the performance of a lifetime miming along to Beyonce . Don’t just come out and say ‘are we gonna get married, or what?!’ But it’s better to be open about it – that way you both know if you’re on the same page and moving in the right direction, or if it might be time to go your separate ways.
Basically, in both of these situations, you’ve just got to grow a set and say what’s what. No one can read your mind.
Smooches,
Bangs
If you need a little tell-it-like-it-is advice, email the Bitch Please Advice Column at bangsandabun@gmail.com
Related posts:
Tags: advice, bitch please
x
