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The Rise of the Awkward Girl

It’s no secret I don’t give two craps about all this Twilight malarky. I don’t know about Twilight, I don’t care about it, I’m clueless as to what a ‘Twihard’ is and have no desire to know. What I do know, is that it has given rise to a new breed of actress: The Awkward Girl.

Kristen Stewart, the chick who stars in these movies, along with that ghastly Robert Pattinson chap, is Queen of the Awkward Girls. The combination of these two acting train wrecks makes me question a) how these films got made in the first place and b) the future of cinema. As if the movies aren’t bad enough, her manner off screen is nothing short of painful.

I’m sure some people find her cringeworthy awkwardness to be endearing. I am not one of them. Seeing her on TV at awards shows makes me want to grab her, shake her by the shoulders, bitch slap her and throw a drink in her face. This whole act of never looking comfortable in your dress, constantly looking as if you need to go to the bathroom, fiddling with your hair, never making eye contact – it all drives me to distraction. And that’s just what it is – an act. I hate it when actors give the whole ‘I got into acting because I’m shy and wanted to free myself’ speech. Bitch please! You got into acting because you’re a giant show off and complete narcissist who wants people to look at you!

Behold, exhibit A and B of awkwardness. I’m not even going to address the outfits because when something is wrong on such an epic level, it’s almost unfair of me to pick on it. But I can address a few other things and they are simple things that my very proper Irish grandmother instilled in me as a youngster:

Stand up straight! Where’s your posture?! Stop fidgeting! Put your hands by your sides! Smile for goodness sake! Look a little grateful that people have bought into your non-existent talent enough to enable you to get to an event like this, be praised and get a goodie bag! Stop looking dead in the eyes!

And that’s just about the way she stands. Try watching this acceptance speech and see if it doesn’t make you want to punch babies:

Just a little note: The guy you see at the beginning of that clip is Tahir Rahim, the French actor who should have won the award that dopey bitch was collecting. Yes, I’m still bitter about it.

Did she really throw up the peace sign at the end there? I can’t. Aren’t there people who can coach you through something like that? Where the hell is this chick’s agent?

The worst thing is, this girl’s success is surely gassing up all those awkward teeny boppers in high school, giving them hope that people will consider them cute and they’ll all get to make out with grease pits like Robert Pattinson. You couldn’t be more wrong, my lovelies. When you reach a certain age, this kind of awkwardness is just lame. At some point you need to stand up, be counted and be unapologetically who you are. None of this fidgety, slouchy bullshit will get you off the hook.

So, if Kristen Stewart is really that uncomfortable with being in the public eye, perhaps she should do everyone a favour and go work at frikkin’ Walmart.

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Tags: awkwardness, kristen stewart, robert pattinson, twilight