Dear Elizabeth Taylor,
Hey Liz, can I call you Liz? I can’t imagine you’d go by a ‘Libby’ or some such mutation of your fabulous name. Anyhoo, how’s your life? Listen, I’m writing to you as I’m seeking some advice on men and I consider you to be quite the expert. I recently saw that you’re engaged again. Sure, I know you’ve denied those rumours, but people believed them. You know why they believed them? Because you’re a pimp, that’s why.
Seriously Liz, you’ve been married what? Like eight times? Clearly, there’s a thing or two you know about the male species that I am yet to master. (Some people might argue that the fact that you’ve had so many husbands could mean that you don’t understand men at all, but those people are pricks.) I mean, it’s one thing to have even eight boyfriends in your lifetime, but to convert the deal into husbandry eight whole times? I applaud you Ms Taylor, I really do.
So, when I heard you were engaged again, all I could think to myself was ‘she’s mad old, in a wheelchair and she’s got the crazy hair, yet she’s still getting action. Meanwhile, I can’t even get a date.’ You feel me Liz? No disrespect about the wheelchair thing by the way – I was approaching that more from the perspective of you not being able to wear a killer pair of heels and flash your legs.
Anyway, I’m sure you’re very busy and all, but I have a potential money earner for you if you’re interested. Here’s what I propose: how’s about you start doing ‘Bagging a Husband in Record Time Masterclasses’? Hear me out. It’s a jungle out here Liz. The dating scene is complete pandemonium. It’s hard, oh so hard. For me, it’s hard to give a crap about any of it. I’m not saying I want a husband, but I wouldn’t mind hanging with a guy who can commit to more than one dinner, you know what I’m saying? Who am I kidding? Of course you don’t know what I’m saying – you’re Elizabeth Taylor. A man just glances in your direction, falls to his knees and proposes. But you know, for us regular ladies, it doesn’t quite pan out like that.
So, you can run these workshops and spread some of your knowledge to us young ‘uns. Don’t worry, I can get you plenty of recruits and we can split the profits 80/20 (to me, ’cause you’re rich and this goldmine was my idea. Play fair, Liz). Areas I think would be of particular interest would be ‘seduction techniques’, ‘exactly how much money do I need in my bank account?’ and ‘how to fast track a divorce.’
So, whaddaya say Liz? Let’s go into business. The love business. Share your vast wealth of knowledge on this subject with those of us who need it most.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Smooches,
Bangs
P.S I feel like you could be doing more with the wheelchair. Maybe diamonds in the spokes or something? Just a suggestion.
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Tags: advice, elizabeth taylor, letters, longshots
