The ‘Bitch Please’ Advice Column
Dear Bangs,
I have a friend in a toxic relationship (like getting locked out of her own apt in her underwear at 3AM or having her cell phone smashed, name calling etc). She has broken up with this guy a few times but then starts seeing him again. Each time she goes back she chalks it up to “going with her heart.” Some of her friends think it’s best to set boundaries and distance when she’s with him. I don’t want to make her feel alienated but I do want to express my disapproval and concern. What do I do? She is seriously sensitive and does not take criticism well.
Sincerely,
Concerned
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Dear Concerned,
Excuse me a moment while I pick my jaw up off the floor. Wow, the things we do when we’re in love, huh?
The fact is, it’s just a matter of time until this relationship turns physically abusive. She has got to get some sense ASAP and get the hell outta dodge. How old is she? Is she close with her mother/would she listen to motherly council? I ask because, by the sounds of things, she likes to be controlled and she needs someone to step in here and sort her out.
I think your friends are right to set boundaries and I believe you should do the same. I’ve had a couple of friends in bad relationships and when they’re sensitive and defensive about their situations (because they know they’re wrong and don’t like it when that’s pointed out) all you can do to make your point is to show your limits. My friends were involved in stupid on-again-off-again clusterfucks with their fellas. I just told them, I love them and will always be their friend, but I’m not gonna be a sounding board for their nonsense. I won’t engage in conversation with them about their boyfriends unless they want to seriously discuss an exit strategy. I don’t need that stupid drama in my life and I don’t appreciate people bringing it around me. Often, just by being there, listening to it, you’re fuelling this person’s incessant need for attention. If you and her other friends remove yourselves from it, she sees consequences and may start to grasp that her decision to be with this man is seriously affecting the quality of her life (I would surely be question the quality of my life if I was locked out of my apartment in my underwear at 3am, but that’s just me).
You’re right, it is a fine line and you have to be careful how you phrase it. Lord only knows what’s going on behind closed doors in that relationship and the kind of pressure she’s under. As long as you express, calmly and clearly, that your concern comes from a place of love, not criticism or judgement, she should take it for what it is.
There is a way for you to shut down the foolishness and keep her at arms length, yet still keep that door open. And that door HAS to be open and the police need to be on speed dial for when shit goes down.
I’m all for people living their own lives and making their own decisions, but this girl is really at risk. Get her some help and get her out of there. She may not like you now, but she’ll thank you later.
If you have an issue and could use a little Bangs and a Bun advice, email bangsandabun@gmail.com
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