The ‘Bitch Please’ Advice Column
Dear Bangs,
I have a friend who has been in a relationship with someone for about a year who I’m also friends with. I know he’s cheating, and it’s ripping me up inside since I love them both. Well, I don’t know 100% for sure, but have seen him in some dodgy situations and have heard from very reliable sources that he is cheating. For example I’ve seen him out with someone else and it’s always “oh this is just my friend” or “oh this is just my work colleague”. My friend has mentioned that she has also had concerns that he’s not faithful, but as they say, love is blind because she just turns a blind eye and chalks it up to her insecurity. Another friend tried to bring it up with her once and she got very defensive and angry.
Most recently I’ve seen him at a club clearly flirting with another girl. Now I know there’s nothing wrong with flirting, but there’s a difference between playful flirting and “I want to get in your pants and do nasty things” flirting.
What should I do? Should I tell my friend of this latest occurrence or should I keep my mouth shut? Should I keep pushing the issue or should I just quietly wait until she learns her own lesson? If I find out 100% for sure he is cheating, do I tell my friend or mind my own business?
Sincerely,
“Ivana Kutchakockoff”
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Dear Ivana Kutchakockoff,
That is quite the dilemma and it’s compounded by the fact that you know and like both people involved.
Here’s the thing: we women tend to suffer from a terrible case of stick-your-nose-in-other-people’s-business-itis. Yes, it’s your friend, you don’t want to see her get hurt blah blah blah, but deep down, there is most likely a little part of you that kind of wants to see what drama will kick off if you unleash this bit of information. Don’t feel bad – we all have it to a degree. My advice to you is to surpress that beast.
However difficult that may be and however much you want to ‘protect’ your friend, it’s her life and you have to let her live it. There are two issues here that sway me in the direction of stepping back. The first is that you are not 100% sure that he has actually cheated. Sure ‘people’ have said, but oftentimes ‘people’ are full of shit. When you’ve seen him and he’s said the girl he’s with is a ‘friend’ or ‘work colleague’ there is actually a chance that those girls are his friends or work colleagues. Unless you catch him frolicking naked with some chick, video it and sell the video to TMZ, you don’t have evidence of anything.
The second issue is that you mention your friend has her suspicions anyway. So deep down, she knows and just doesn’t want to admit it yet. Listen, I’ve been in situations with fellas where, if I’d have just listened to my gut, I could have avoided a whole heap of drama (including, but not limited to, court cases and a significant other’s drug addiction – and those were separate guys!). Since she gets defensive when someone tries to mention the possibility of infidelity to her, she is going to have to see the proof for herself, which unfortunately means she’s gonna have to go through the Jerry Springer-esque humiliation of actually walking in on him banging someone else, in order for the point to truly hit home.
So Ivana, though it’s gonna be tough, you have to just stand back and let things unfold as they will. This is something your friend has to go through and figure out for herself. All you can do is have ice cream and tissues on hand for when it all comes out (and some steel toed boots to kick him in the balls with).
If you need some tell-it-like-it-is advice, email bangsandabun@gmail.com
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