Welcome to 2010: My Perfect World
Well, things got really crazy for me in the last quarter of 2009. Overwhelmed with the direction the world was going in (you know, global warming, financial crisis, the over-popularity of Uggs), I decided I needed to change things. So, I whipped the world into shape and I’m proud to say, as we’re about to go into 2011, everything’s looking rosy.
Me and Idris Elba are married and he’s totally cool with me seeing Elliot Stabler from Law & Order SVU, Robert Downey Jr and any man who can speak French on the side. I had it written into our wedding vows that he’d find a way to resurrect The Wire for a few more seasons, so, there’s that.
I met with world leaders to discuss energy efficiency and it was decided that rather than using central heating and such like, people should burn their Uggs to create a natural source of heat. President Obama personally gave me a terrorist fist bump of congratulations for that one.
I had a sit down with Madonna. She managed to detach her crazed fans from her balls for a sec. We have negotiated a deal whereby she will retire within the next five years. She has also agreed to wear a knee length skirt every second wednesday. This will be increased each time she adopts another African baby.
I started running masterclasses on ‘How to Dress Like a Lady.’ This was a major step forward in my ‘No Pants’ campaign (the co-founder of which is Casie Stewart). We have seen a significant drop in the number of women wearing running shoes as regular footwear, leggings, sweats, pajama pants, babydoll dresses and maternity wear on un-pregnant people.
I banned use of the word ‘comfortable’ in regards to fashion for anyone under the age of 60. It’s taking people a while to come round to this, but we have seen more women enroll in my ‘How to Walk in Heels’ classes, which is encouraging.
As part of his therapy, I slept with Tiger Woods to see what all the fuss was about. Results are still inconclusive.
I think my major achievement of 2010 was having ‘bitch slap’ and ‘motherbitch’ added to the Oxford English dictionary. Additionally, now that bitch slapping is no longer a crime (except for the 6 US States in which it is still outlawed), society has become much more tolerable. Pent up frustration is virtually a thing of the past now that you can just give anyone a swift back hand when they’re acting up.
So as you can see, my 2010 was pretty packed, trying to make the world a better place for you people.
Well, must dash. Idris is in the kitchen, naked, cooking for me and I still have to treat the third degree burns he sustained doing that last week. He’ll never learn.
Until next time, ask yourself, what did you do to change the world in 2010?
