The Rules of Public Transport
Public transport sucks. That is a known fact. No one wakes up in the morning saying ‘I can’t wait to take the bus today!’ To make transportation among the masses a little less sucky and somewhat bearable, there are certain rules one should abide by.
Anything that should be done in your bathroom at home, don’t do it on the bus or train
I’ve seen it all my friends, from someone flossing her teeth on the subway in Toronto, to a guy putting his contacts in on a packed commuter train in Tokyo. That’s what your bathroom is for. No one needs to see bits of food on a string emerging from your mouth at 8am.
Have your money ready
You can always tell the people who don’t take public transport that often from this scenario. It’s always the dude for whom the train is a fun adventure for the day, who has to fanny around at the ticket machine for half an hour. Listen, for those of us who have to rely on getting from A to B in these giant moving sweatboxes, our lives suck enough as it is. We don’t have time to wait for you to find the correct change for your metro card. It’s all we can do to even get out of bed in the morning.
Don’t talk on your phone
There’s something about public transport that makes people think their phones are just tin cans and string. Any conversation is conducted at unusually loud decibels. No one gives a rat’s ass what you’re saying, probably not even the person on the other end of the phone. Save the conversation for when you’re out in the street and your pointless banter can be drowned out by street noise like buildings collapsing, or people killing each other.
Don’t read the newspaper over someone’s shoulder
What the hell is wrong with you? You don’t even have to buy a paper anymore, there’s a plethora of free crap at any given station. So I don’t care if you have to read a take away menu or a Nation of Islam leaflet, you just better not be breathing down someone’s neck asking them to turn to the sports page.
Don’t stare
Do you want to die? Well, you’re going the right way about it. Buses and trains are close quarters. Between being crammed in like a sardine, holding your breath to avoid the stench of BO and blocking your ears to drown out the death metal coming from someone’s iPod, the last thing anyone needs is the stare down. I don’t care if you’re just admiring her outfit. That’s what the Craigslist ‘Missed Connections’ section is for (alright, that’s totally not what it’s for, but do I sound like I give a shit?). Eyes down, look in, like it’s Bingo in this bitch.
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Tags: public transport, rants
