Things Which Must Stop – The Men's Edition
Facial Hair
Fellas, are you aware that facial hair is essentially just pubic hair attached to your face? No? Well, it is. Studies have shown that nine times out of ten, a beard makes you look like a douchebag. So, if you must have it, you’ve gotta keep that shit in check. Don’t let it get unruly. And if you can’t grow something that makes some kind of sense, or you know your shit doesn’t grow in right, take a razor to it before I take a hack saw to it. If you are not getting laid, odds are it’s down to your unruly facial pubes (combined with your lack of personality, beer belly, intense body stench…whatever the case may be).
Power Cologne
Cologne is not a substitute for deodorant. Please do not bathe in it. My nostrils cannot take that kind of brutality. If you’re unlucky enough to be standing upwind of a dude who doesn’t know when to stop with the cologne, that shit can knock you out faster than a date rape drug. Maybe that’s what they’re going for? Also, if you’re dousing yourself in that much smelly stuff, it seems like you’re covering something up. Clearly your natural stench is not all that hot. But you know what solves that? Soap, water and a little bit of deodorant. If you’re going through a bottle of Calvin Klein a day, you may need to seek help.
Men in Flip Flops
You know how I feel about women in flip flops. Well, take those feelings and multiply them to the Nth degree and you get how I feel about men in flip flops. Never fellas. Just never attempt it. I don’t think any girl has ever said ‘My, that man has lovely feet.’ Keep those Chewbacca meets Harry and the Hendersons toes under wraps.
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Tags: bad cologne, facial hair, flip flops, men
