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Around mid-December, I tend to just shut it down and say ‘see you in April!’ There is really nothing so important that I should have to leave my house in sub zero temperatures. You expect me to socialize? Oh, guess again, tubby. Ain’t gonna happen. I get up, I go to work, I come home, I write, I go to bed. And that’s it. For four months. I may try to sneak in a dinner here or catch a movie there, but that’s about as far as it goes. 

And the real reason behind it is my own vanity. See, with the shed load of snow that lands here daily, I cannot wear pretty shoes. And you know what, all I have going for me in life right now is pretty shoes. Without that, I’m nothing! Having to wear ugly ass snow boots and an even uglier coat, that basically looks like a duvet with sleeves, is seriously affecting the diva in me. I honestly cannot bear to go out socializing knowing I have to show up looking like the Michelin Man. 

I see girls who are obviously, just as vain as I and go out in a little jacket and wear their nice shoes and while I applaud them, they just look stupid. I tried to wear a normal jacket once last month and my tits literally froze off. I had to send a search party out to find them. And I’ve tried to wear one of my nicer pairs of boots, but they put so much salt on the ground it feels like I’m walking on a pebbled beach. Unless the city of Toronto plans to reimburse me for damaging my footwear, I just can’t justify trying to look cute right now. 

So day in, day out, I’m basically rocking the same outerwear outfit and it kills my soul. I’m thinking about adding a balaclava to the mix to hide my shame altogether. To compensate, I wear really nice underwear. Not that anyone would ever know. It’s too frikkin’ cold to take my clothes off and show anyone. But you know, should I be hit by a bus, or a snow plough, or a giant icicle falling from the heavens and have to be rushed to the hospital, those ambulance guys will get the show of their lives. 

Given my lack of social life, I’m running low on quirky observations, funny stories and people to talk shit about. But I’m trying folks! Hang in here with me, ’cause I’m gonna keep on truckin’. Come the spring, I’ll be on fire again. Oh and there’s a little trip to New York City at the end of March in the works, which is bound to bring some tales of tomfoolery your way!