Introducing…The Bitch Please Advice Column!
I’ve often been told I give good advice, so frankly, it’s high time I had an advice column. If you like your agony aunts to keep it all the way real, this is the column for you.
If you have a problem and need some good ol’ ‘tell it like it is’ counsel – email me at bangsandabun@gmail.com
This week, I’m using a problem that was sent in to The Guardian’s agony aunt.
I am in my early 50s, married to a kind but preoccupied man who has worked away from home for some years, with two children, the youngest of whom has just gone to university. Six months ago a warm and attractive friend, R, and I began an affair. He has had an open marriage for most of his 35-year relationship, but hasn’t had sex with his wife for 20 years. Their way of coping with this has been for her to “allow” him to have affairs – but I have lately learned that these affairs are ruled by strict parameters. The problem is that before I knew this I began to fall in love with him. When I told him this, his response was that I was a wonderful lover but he did not love me. The woman he loves – and will always love – is someone he had a relationship with some time ago, and whom his wife has forbidden him to see because he made the mistake of telling his wife he loved this woman. He still takes risks and sees her very occasionally, although they no longer make love because of the ban his wife has put on this – and because it would be too hurtful to the woman. He still wonders whether he should have left his wife for her. When I am with R it does feel right – I feel more alive than I have for years. Doing nothing and letting things continue as they are makes me feel powerless. Part of me wants to blow all this open – let his wife know how hurtful it is to use women in this way and that the other woman is still “on the scene” emotionally, if hardly at all in any other way. But that could backfire and hurt me more than them.
Bitch please! Are you off your meds? So, let me get this straight; you yourself are married, this dude is cheating on his wife, has pretty much no interest in you, has explicitly said he doesn’t love you, is seeing other women and this is all somehow the wife’s fault? Do I really have to point out everything that is wrong with that picture?
First off, you seem to think that your ‘warm and attractive friend, R’ is an honorable character. Let me break it down for you: Him not having sex with his wife for 20 years? Lie. His wife ‘allowing’ him to have affairs? Lie. He’s not sleeping with the other woman he’s involved with, other than his wife and you? Lie. You being dumb enough to believe everything he tells you? Truth!
But yes, you be sure to run to his wife and tell her how unfair she is to let her husband use women this way. You’re right. God forbid you or the man take any responsibility for putting it about. How dare his bitch of a wife allow that asshole to get out of her house and make sad, loveless women like yourself feel like someone, no matter how questionable, wants them. Oh and while you’re at it, why don’t you give yourself a good bitch slap and realise that you have your own Goddamned husband you could be sleeping with?
You are a grown ass woman. Act like it and take responsibility for your part in this shit show. He’s not into you. Get over it. Move on. Be the wife and mother that you are or hire an escort and don’t catch feelings.
Thank you and good night.
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Tip of the day – Say the word ‘pumpernickel’ whenever possible. It’s just fun to say.
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