bangsandabun.com

You have made your point. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m sure you had one. You are costing me dearly. Medication to the tune of $74, days off work, not to mention that I’m pretty much keeping Kleenex in business at this point. Forget the bad economy, Kleenex are laughing it up right now, dining out on my profits (or my snot, whichever way you want to look at it). 

You sure have been one helluva ride. You keep me guessing. How can one’s nose be runny and blocked simultaneously? I don’t know, but you managed it dear cold, you did. And that weird hacking cough that appears at night and leaves me in fear thinking I’m going to hack up all my internal organs? That’s quite the party trick. You are the David Copperfield of infectious diseases. 

Usually, when I have guests, I’m quite the host. I offer them tea (which reminds me, you owe me a shit load of Earl Grey), some stimulating conversation and of course, the opportunity to take in my stunning good looks. But frankly, you suck as a guest and I would appreciate it if you would get the fuck out. 

So, I’m giving you 24 hours to vacate the premises. Here is my list of demands: 

- I would like the ability to breathe properly back. I’ve kinda missed it. 

- When I answer the phone, it would be nice if people didn’t think they’d reached some sort of sex chat line, on account of my husky voice. 

- Good night’s sleep. I have not slept properly in about 4 weeks. I’m a frikkin’ zombie over here. 

- If you could reimburse me for all the tissues etc, that’d be appreciated. 

- That weird feeling when you swallow, but it feels like your saliva missed a bit of your throat? Yeah, I’m over that too. Stop it. 

- I do not wish to have the stench of au de Vick’s Vapor Rub anymore.

So, get going. Pack your bags. The party’s over. You’re not welcome here. I expect to have full control over my nasal passages in the next 24 hours. C’mon maaaaan, all this sneezing is exhausting. 

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