Archive for 2009

Officially on Christmas Break

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

Well my lovlies, I’m now on Christmas break, so there’ll be no posts on here to get you through the Yuletide season. There there, don’t cry. I’m coming back. Regular posting will resume January 4th. In the meantime, you can browse the archives, brush up on your ‘Bangs-isms’ (I expect you all to be frequently using ‘motherbitch’ and to have perfected your bitch slaps by the time I get back) and introduce a friend to the wonderful comedy stylings of Bangs and a Bun. Have a family reading of my blog, around the fire – nothing says Christmas like my not-so-latent rage.

Thank you all for a wonderful year and for continuing to read my crazy. It is very much appreciated.

Here’s wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a great new year.

I’ll be in Italy next week trying to get married into the Mafia – I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.

See you in 2010!

Bangs

xoxo

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Posted in life | 8 Comments »

Let’s (Not) Talk About It

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

The ’00s have, without a doubt, been the decade of ‘talking it out.’ As soon as there’s a hint someone may have a problem, we say, ‘do you wanna talk about it?’ When celebs get in trouble, they are shipped off to therapy so they can ‘share their feelings.’ Well yeah, that was nice and all, but I vote we make the next ten years, the decade of shutting the hell up.

It’s great that everyone feels the need to get everything out there, but when I ask a casual acquaintance ‘how are you?’ and they feel the need to share every problem they’ve ever had in their life, it’s gone too far. Here’s a little advice: when I ask ‘how are you?’ – I don’t actually care. I’m merely being polite. So if you respond with anything other than ‘I’m fine thanks. And you?’ I reserve the right to bitch slap you and send you back to your therapist.

Is it even possible to be a celebrity anymore without a troubled past? It’s like a rite of passage. Whenever someone’s caught with their pants down or some coke up their nose, they have to do the big apology statement and say they’re going to an ‘in treatment facility’ (usually called ‘Inner Peace Sanctuary’ or some bollocks), only to re-emerge after their 90 days, hawking a tell-all book and pouring their heart out to Oprah.

We’re supposedly eating all this up because it means these celebrities are just like us. They have problems too. Of course they frikkin’ do – they’re human. If you’ve spent any time thinking otherwise, you’re an idiot. But I’m also not going to have sympathy when they shove their explanations for their behaviour down our throats. You know what, I don’t believe that every celeb with a drug problem had a troubled childhood. I think some people just like to get high. Not everyone who shags anything with two legs and a pulse is a sex addict. Perhaps they just like to get laid. Yes, sometimes it really is that simple.

This culture of over-sharing has got to slow its row. I’m tired of hearing everyone’s sob story. I’m not saying don’t speak about it ever, but choose whom you divulge information to carefully. If you’re a celebrity, that means talking about your crap with a therapist, if you think that works. If you’re a regular Joe, dump your issues on your understanding best friend. There are certain things the rest of us don’t want or need to know.

So thanks for doing a status update on Facebook about your last bowel movement and for telling me how great your boyfriend is in bed. I’ll be sure to file those under ‘shit I don’t care about.’

Have some class. Some things really are better left unsaid.

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Posted in life | 11 Comments »

Welcome to 2010: My Perfect World

Monday, December 21st, 2009

Well, things got really crazy for me in the last quarter of 2009. Overwhelmed with the direction the world was going in (you know, global warming, financial crisis, the over-popularity of Uggs), I decided I needed to change things. So, I whipped the world into shape and I’m proud to say, as we’re about to go into 2011, everything’s looking rosy.

Me and Idris Elba are married and he’s totally cool with me seeing Elliot Stabler from Law & Order SVU, Robert Downey Jr and any man who can speak French on the side. I had it written into our wedding vows that he’d find a way to resurrect The Wire for a few more seasons, so, there’s that.

I met with world leaders to discuss energy efficiency and it was decided that rather than using central heating and such like, people should burn their Uggs to create a natural source of heat. President Obama personally gave me a terrorist fist bump of congratulations for that one.

I had a sit down with Madonna. She managed to detach her crazed fans from her balls for a sec. We have negotiated a deal whereby she will retire within the next five years. She has also agreed to wear a knee length skirt every second wednesday. This will be increased each time she adopts another African baby.

I started running masterclasses on ‘How to Dress Like a Lady.’ This was a major step forward in my ‘No Pants’ campaign (the co-founder of which is Casie Stewart). We have seen a significant drop in the number of women wearing running shoes as regular footwear, leggings, sweats, pajama pants, babydoll dresses and maternity wear on un-pregnant people.

I banned use of the word ‘comfortable’ in regards to fashion for anyone under the age of 60. It’s taking people a while to come round to this, but we have seen more women enroll in my ‘How to Walk in Heels’ classes, which is encouraging.

As part of his therapy, I slept with Tiger Woods to see what all the fuss was about. Results are still inconclusive.

I think my major achievement of 2010 was having ‘bitch slap’ and ‘motherbitch’ added to the Oxford English dictionary. Additionally, now that bitch slapping is no longer a crime (except for the 6 US States in which it is still outlawed), society has become much more tolerable. Pent up frustration is virtually a thing of the past now that you can just give anyone a swift back hand when they’re acting up.

So as you can see, my 2010 was pretty packed, trying to make the world a better place for you people.

Well, must dash. Idris is in the kitchen, naked, cooking for me and I still have to treat the third degree burns he sustained doing that last week. He’ll never learn.

Until next time, ask yourself, what did you do to change the world in 2010?

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Posted in life | 11 Comments »

‘Happy’ New Year?

Friday, December 18th, 2009

By now you’re probably planning what you’ll do for New Year’s Eve, right? You’ll be assembling your crew, weighing up your options, which club to go to, will you go to a different city, will you drive, how many people you’ll roll with. Let me save you some time: your New Year’s Eve will be shit.

This is pretty much a certainty.

I’ve always hated New Year’s Eve and all the over-hyped shenanigans that go with it. We get a New Year every year. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. The last time I went out on New Year’s was when I was about 15. I ended up spending most of the night in a take-away curry joint, due to some mad confusion earlier in the evening. After that, I vowed, no more!

You’ll spend anywhere from £30-£100 on a ticket to a club.

Every club claims to have the hottest New Year’s party and creates a stupid amount of pressure for you to buy tickets to ‘avoid disappointment’. Listen, you’ll be disappointed either way. Either the hype was all for nothing and there are actually only five other people in the place or it’s packed to the rafters and you can’t catch your breath.

During the course of the evening, you’ll witness one, two or a combination of all of the following things:

Some dizzy bitch decided to wear 5 inch platform heels before learning to walk. She falls down stairs. A lot.

A group of friends, way too raucous, popping champagne bottles, dancing as though they’re having a mass epileptic fit.

Two girls who appear to be best friends will: dance together seductively, laughing, playing with each others hair, possibly make out. Five minutes later they’ll be arguing. One slaps the other. Slapped girl runs to bathroom with the slap-er following her, screaming. Slapped throws up in toilets. Both girls cry, hug it out, do a line of coke and get back on the dance floor.

A random guy will be going around the club screaming ‘HAPPY NEW YEAR’ and blowing a horn in everyone’s face at 10.30pm.

Drunken guys fighting. Ad infinitum.

Someone will drop a glass (did it jump, or was it pushed? We’ll never know) on the dancefloor. There’s a collective gasp from the crowd. Everything stops for three seconds until someone who works there locates a dustpan and brush.

A couple will break up after a screaming match of epic proportions.

A girl fight will erupt after one inadvertently glances at the other’s man. The surrounding men will look to oil them up with vaseline and make the dance floor into a mud pit to get them to continue.

A guy and a girl who just met will make out so hard you think you’re on the set of a porno flick.

More drunken guys fighting. Bouncers get in a scuffle trying to get them out.

The combination of drugs, alcohol, disco balls and heat will lead to at least one ambulance being called during the course of the night.

And you paid money for all this? No thanks, I think I’ll pass. Hope you all have a wonderful New Year’s celebration whatever you’re doing. I’ll be in Italy dahling, trying to get married into the Mafia.

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Posted in life | 14 Comments »

I Can’t With People

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

Do you ever feel like the whole of society is conspiring against you to piss you off? Yeah, me too. I try to be patient and tolerant, but everybody’s got their limit before they snap and start sucker punching anyone who glances in their direction. I feel I am reaching that point people. And when I break, it will all be society’s fault.

Here are a few things that a rapidly pushing me to the brink:

Typing like a pre-schooler

A person I went to school with added me on Facebook on Monday. We weren’t friends in school, but you know you only add school people to see how much weight they gained and what state their life is in. Just me? Moving on. Well, the girl likes to do a lot of status updates and her way of typing is so bad, at first glance I didn’t even think it was English. typin lyk dis wen ur 28 iz totly ridikulus. What the hell is that shit? I made it through 24 hours before I deleted her. I think I should be commended for that.

Lateness

Always a pet peeve of mine, as I get older, my tolerance for it has all but completely gone down the crapper. I went to a birthday dinner a few weeks ago. The start time was 7.30pm. This had been repeated through numerous Facebook and text messages. So why did some girl roll up to the restaurant at 9.30pm?  What possible chain of events can lead to you being two hours late for a party you’ve known about for weeks? No, it’s not funny, it’s not cute, it’s not a case of ‘oh, that’s just so-and-so, she’s always late’ – it’s just muthaeffin’ RUDE. So rather than copping an attitude with the wait staff, I suggest you sit down, order your food and shut the hell up. Please and thank you.

Rudeness

After my hair appointment yesterday, I went to catch the bus. As I’m crossing the street, I see my bus at the stop. Someone was getting on, paying, so I saw I had plenty of time to get to it. I’m about 6ft from the bus when the driver closes the doors. I figure he hadn’t seen me. I knocked on the door. He ignored me. I knocked again. Nothing. A girl on the bus, standing next to the driver, saw this and knocked on the pane of glass that stops the driver getting bitch slapped every two minutes. I saw her knock on it and say ‘there’s a girl there who wants to get on’. He ignored her too and pulled out into traffic. Excuse me, what kind of bullshit is that?! Aside from the fact that I’d just had my hair done and he happily left me standing there in the rain, how hard was it for him to just open the frikkin’ doors? Technically, he was still at the bus stop. Where is your motherbitchin’ Christmas spirit, you prick?!

See, I can’t with people. It’s like they want to see me lose it. Don’t test me! Come on society – pull your socks up!

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Posted in life | 20 Comments »

Paging Dr Useless, Dr Useless to Reception

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

Yesterday, I decided, having been back in the country three months now, I should register with a doctor. I don’t really get sick and I actually kind of hate doctors, but on the off chance that my lungs fall out or something, I figured I should be on the books somewhere.

I thought, I’ll call, they’ll take a few details over the phone and make an appointment for me. Well, you already know that was wishful thinking. I was greeted with a pre-recorded message and several menu options.

Explain to me the need for menu options. I’m calling a doctors office, not the White House. ‘Press 1 for Prescriptions, Press 2 for Appointments, Press 3 for Emergencies, Press 4 for Home Visits…’ It went on, for a total of 7 menu options. By the time it’d finished, I’d forgotten what I was calling for in the first place. There was one possibly fatal flaw though with this particular menu; why the hell was ‘emergencies’ number three on the list? If it’s an emergency, the last thing I want to do is fanny about trying to navigate your ridiculous menu options. Emergency, by it’s very nature, one would think, would surely clinch the top spot in a telephone menu!

What I find even more amusing about their menu optioned phone system, is I don’t care what doctor’s office you go to in the world, there’s always a maximum of two miserable bitches working reception. You mean to tell me, between them, they couldn’t just answer the phone and ask you what you want? Bitch please!

So I press any random button and get through to a very unenthusiastic woman who then tells me I have to actually physically go to the surgery, fill in some forms and then they’ll give me an appointment. I wish I’d pressed the emergency button to see if this process would be any quicker.

I was already pissed that I was forced to actually pick up a phone and call these people. Why is there no ‘registration’ button available on their website. Jesus, what decade is it? I have to pick up the phone, then go in there and fill out paper forms using, like, ink and stuff?

Maybe I should wait until my lungs are actually falling out – perhaps then the process will be a little quicker.

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Posted in life | 10 Comments »

Bangs Recommends

Monday, December 14th, 2009

It’s the time of year we’re all buying gifts. If you, like me, struggle to find the perfect thing for your loved ones, I thought I’d compile a little list of things I have enjoyed over the last two years, to maybe help give you a little inspiration – kind of like ‘Oprah’s Favourite Things’ but without the screaming, middle aged women. However, if you’d like to scream hysterically and jump up and down while reading this, I won’t hold it against you.

Read

No Matter How Much You Promise to Cook or Pay the Rent, You Blew It Cauze Bill Bailey Ain’t Never Coming Home Again – Edgardo Vega Yunque

I read this a couple of years ago and it’s a book that has really stuck with me. It’s set in New York in the 80s with a great cast of characters. The lead is the Puerto Rican-Irish Vidamia Farrell and the story centres around her meeting her Irish father and splitting her time between her two families (affluent mother and step-father in the suburbs and father and boho family in the Lower East Side). Her father is a former jazz pianist and the story reads like an improvised jazz song. It’s a long, meaty read that explores every aspect of the characters’ lives. It’s not for everyone, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.

See

Mesrine – L’instinct de Mort

I’m a huge fan of foreign cinema, especially French. I’m also a huge fan of Vincent Cassel, because he brings the hubba hubba. Well, he doesn’t bring the hubba hubba in this particular film, but in general, he’s hubba-worthy. This is the story of the notorious French gangster, Jacques Mesrine. It’s an epic two-parter that has moments of shock, humour, outrage and a gangster you actually kind of grow to like. If Cassel doesn’t get an Oscar for this performance, there is something wrong with the world.

I should say, I have no idea if this film is out on DVD yet, but if and when it is, you should buy it.

Pampering

I have always found smellies/toiletries to be a cop out. Not much thought went into it. A nice perfume, sure, but a standard soap+body lotion+talcum powder gift set is unimaginative and boring. Having said that, if you can find a way to make something ordinary look extraordinary, then smellies suddenly become acceptable. This company makes soaps to look like slices of cake or cupcakes. Anyone I’ve bought them for has loved them. It’s better than a bath bomb from Lush (incidentally, my ex, the serial adulterer from the Village People used to get me Lush gift sets for Valentines day, so now the scent of Lush has turned into the stench of shame, anger and resentment. Fun times).

Personality/Passion Gifts

These are the good gifts, when you really know someone and what they like. The following examples are clearly about me, but think about the people in your life, what they like and how you could flip it.

Any regular reader here knows I’m a bit of a shoe fanatic (that may be understating it just slightly, but whatever). I wouldn’t expect someone to buy me a pair of shoes (but by no means would I EVER turn that down), but if someone got me an arty print of a shoe, like this, I’d be thrilled.

I’m also really into art deco and the 1920s, so getting me a art print or book about these eras would win you major brownie points.

I’m a big fan of The Wire, but if you know me, you know I’ve seen every episode of every season probably upwards of ten times. But if you were to get me, say, The Wire Re-Up: The Guardian’s Guide to the Greatest TV Show Ever Made, well then we’d really be onto something. Alternatively, you could get me Idris Elba, star of The Wire, naked, gift wrapped in a bow and cooking for me in my kitchen.

I’m also into handmade things and getting a bit crafty. The quilt I made my parents last year was probably the most well received gift I’ve ever given. And the best thing about crafty/handmade gifts is that it doesn’t even have to be good! Just the mere fact that you put the time into trying to make the thing earns you major points.

See, Christmas doesn’t have to be all socks, boxers, CDs and gift cards. Take something ordinary and then run with the idea until you get to something that will mean a little more to the person you’re giving to.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

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Posted in fashion, life | 6 Comments »

The Fashion of the ’00s

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

As with any decade, in ten years time, we’ll look back on what we wore now and cringe. There have been some truly awful trends, some of which have more than overstayed their welcome. You are most likely deleting/burning some pictures of yourself as you read this. And you’re right to do that. Let’s end any chance of this madness trailing on for another 10 years.

So let’s take a look at some of the things our kids will be mocking us for in the future:

The 80s Revival

The 80s were bad enough the first time around, but designers just would not let it die. Consequently, there were a whole bunch of douchenozzles walking around looking like Flashdance rejects. There was more neon, spandex and side ponytails than you could shake a Duran Duran CD at. At one point they were even trying to bring back hair crimping. If you partook in any of this, take a moment right now to bitch slap yourself. Hard.

Leggings

Christ on a bike. One of the first things I wrote about when I started this blog was my hatred of leggings. And that was two years ago! Sadly, the epidemic seems to be getting worse. Whereas when it started, leggings were worn with long tops, now people seem to think they are actually trousers, so we must contend with seeing, on average, 52 cameltoes a day. That’s 52 unsolicited cameltoes, in your face, daily. Not only that, there’s now sequinned leggings, ‘wet look’ leggings, leggings on crack. Make it stop! Again, if you’re still wearing them, take a little time out to just round house kick yourself, right now. We’ll wait…

Sweatpants with writing across the bum


This was a trend in the mid-’00s. I find the fact that people see it as acceptable to wear sweat pants for anything other than working out to be beyond disturbing, but these were quite the little fashion statement for a while there. Ironically, this look was adopted, more often than not, by women who really shouldn’t have been drawing any more attention to their rear end than absolutely necessary.

Skinny Jeans

People didn’t seem to pick up that the clue was in the title for this trend. Skinny jeans. Skinny. If you’re not skinny, this ain’t for you. But that didn’t dissuade anyone with a BMI over 1.5 from trying it out. I’ve seen more butt cracks these past few years than I care to remember (and I do sometimes like to remember a butt crack, but I digress). What’s more disturbing is that guys started wearing them. They bought into the trend before first considering where exactly they were going to put their balls. Thanks to skinny jeans, we can now all tell which way a man is dressing.

Babydoll Dresses and Peasant Tops

This was the decade women set about making sure men forget what the female form looks like. As we got fatter, we embraced every trick in the book to disguise our lumps and bumps. Every woman in the ’00s looked like she was expecting. Empire line and babydoll dresses are the male enemy. They all secretly hoped to see an outline of boob or buttock and ladies kept covering it up, only to see the return of the ultimate slap in the face for any man with an appreciation for booty: the harem pant.

Uggs

*Takes long intake of breath*

My hatred of this vile footwear is well documented. I figured they’d be around for a year or two and that no one in their right mind would want to wear something that ugly. Evidently, there are a lot of people not in their right mind. Every year, there’s new colours, different lengths. And the only thing people can say for them is ‘they keep my feet warm.’ They may well be lined in sheepskin, but I would stick my foot up an actual sheep’s ass before I put on an Ugg boot. There simply is no excuse. Especially if you live in England – it does NOT (and trust me on this. Having lived in Canada for three years, I’m well informed on this topic) get cold enough here to warrant wearing Ugg boots. I could rant all day on this one, but I feel my blood pressure rising.

(Dis)Honorable mentions:

Crocs, Neon, plaid, those weird shoe/boot hybrids that came out this year, Celebrity clothing lines (where people who can barely dress themselves think they can tell you how to have style), shoulder pads, the half-shaved head on ladies, anything Lady Gaga wore, leotards…

Oh how I could go on and on.

So, what’s on your list?

Posted in fashion | 20 Comments »

Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

I love to write. I love writing things down. Often, I have to write things down and then type them up – that’s just my process. But I thoroughly enjoy the feeling of putting pen to paper. I love nice stationary. I love how when I write in a notebook, the print shows through on the other side of the page and it feels all crispy. I love the smooth glide of a nice pen.

I used to love to write letters. My beloved grandmother, who passed on to go party in heaven in 2004, was my penpal. We wrote to each other all the time, mostly about complete nonsense, but it didn’t matter, because it was our nonsense. Her passing left a huge void in many ways, one of which, was not seeing envelopes with her handwriting on my doormat anymore.

Last week, one of my friends put her address in her Facebook status update and said ‘I await your Christmas cards.’ It all seemed a little jokey, but I asked her if that was her real address, because if so, I would totally be sending one. She said it was. That sparked an idea in me.

I sent out a message on Twitter saying if people like receiving mail, send me their address and I’ll send them a Christmas card. After a few replies asking if I was serious, slowly but surely, addresses started to trickle into my inbox. By the end of the day, I had 31 people to write Christmas cards to.

Of those 31, I have met only two of them in person. Like so many bloggers, so much of my life is online. And I’m fine with that. Over the past couple of years, as I moved all over the place, these complete strangers have become a part of my life. They read my blog, talk with me on Twitter, one even sent me a playlist she’d made to cheer me up when she knew I was going through a hard time. These people, though most of us have never met, are my friends.

I love receiving mail and I figured other people love that feeling too. In an age where birthday wishes are now posted on people’s Facebook walls, I want to go back to putting pen to paper. I want to spend time in gift shops picking out the right card for someone. Every now and then we have to unplug and go old school.

I hope that when these people receive the cards I sent, it makes them smile the way my grandmother’s letters did for me. If so, mission accomplished.

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Posted in life | 16 Comments »

Tiger Gets Wild

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

So, Tiger Woods has been getting a whole lot of ass. Are you surprised? I am. And not for the usual ‘I can’t believe a guy in a high profile position would take such a liberty and cheat on his nice wife’ type of reason. Mainly because the guy is about as exciting as toe nail clippings. I’m having a hard time getting my head around the fact that he managed to a) get married in the first place and b) actually have the conversational skills to be able to talk another woman into the sack.

Predictably, as is usually the case in these high profile cheating scandals, everyone is coming down on Tiger and passing moral judgement. His name is ‘Tiger’ for God’s sake. And his last name is WOODS! The man was pretty much born to cheat. But his wife tried to beat what little remaining personality he has out of him with a golf club – rest assured, he’s suffering at home.

What isn’t being talked about really is these women he slept with. Oh sure there’ve been discussions about how they all seem to fit a certain mould (white, work in the hospitality industry. Ladies, take note; never let your man eat at a restaurant alone. These heifers will be exchanging numbers by the time he gets to the entree). But no one’s talking about how low down and dirty they are.

This isn’t one of these scenarios where the woman had no idea he was married. It’s not like she was all ‘Tiger Woods, you say? Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.’ Bitch please! And this is what I don’t get about women who happily play the mistress. Sure, you may not know his wife, but where is your respect for her, just on a basic human level, as another woman? You’d be pissed if another woman took up with your husband, knowing he was married. So, how and why are some women OK with that behaviour?

‘He’s Tiger Woods,’ people are saying. ‘They were attracted to his money and fame.’ Yeah, no shit Sherlock. It’s not like they’re attracted to his personality. This is a man who looks like he colour-codes his sock drawer. I can’t imagine he’d be all that thrilling in the bedroom. One of his mistresses is complaining that he didn’t even buy her dinner. Who in the name of an 18-hole golf course sleeps with a man who doesn’t buy you dinner first?! And she’s complaining about it, why? It basically shows how much of a whore she is that it didn’t even take so much as a Chicken McNugget to charm the pants off her.

People are saying Tiger better have a good pre-nup. Why? His wife won’t leave him. She has too much to lose. And even if she does, Tiger will lose half his fortune. Even with that, I doubt we’ll be seeing him on the bread line at a Salvation Army near you anytime soon.

They’ll get counselling and Tiger will promise to be a good boy. He’ll stick with his wife to try to maintain/restore his squeaky clean image. His wife has his nuts in a vice as you read this and she tightens it every few minutes.

Stay tuned: which high profile celebrity will be the next to fall victim to some skanky waitress’s charms?

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Posted in relationships | 45 Comments »