A Shopper's Guide to Abercrombie & Fitch
The Yuletide season is fast approaching, bitches. I’m almost done with my Christmas shopping. But, if you’re not a wonder of organization like my good self, fear not, I’m here to help. As a seasoned shopper, I will guide you through the most difficult shops, so that you can take on those bad boys with no fear. Follow these step-by-step guides and you’ll be shopping like it’s a military operation in no time.
This week, we tackle Abercrombie & Fitch. Now granted, you have better taste than to step into this minefield of hormones and overpriced tank tops, but, doubtless that niece/little sister/first year college student in your life will throw a grade A bitch fit if you don’t get them something from here. If you’re over the age of 22, Abercrombie makes pretty much no sense. It’s like a secret society. So don’t worry if you feel out of place in there, you’ll see a bunch of other people over the legal drinking age, wandering around aimlessly, close to tears, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. But not you. Oh no. Thanks to this trusty Bangs and a Bun guide, you have got this thing on lock.
When approaching an Abercrombie store, you’ll notice there are no window displays. It’s just giant black venetian blinds. Don’t let this throw you off. They’re trying to mess with your head. There actually is a store behind those windows and it has stuff in it.
Upon entering, the first thing you’ll notice is a full on assault on your nostrils. That is some special brand of Abercrombie stench that they employ someone especially to spray every minute of the day. You may find that it triggers your gag reflex. I find it helps to throw on a surgical mask before going in. That way, you can bypass the smell and get right down to business without feeling lightheaded.
Once inside, you’ll see a couple of topless male models. They have tousled hair, they’re barefoot and their jeans are being held up by nothing more than hope. They are positioned there to remind people like you of your lost youth. I like to just flick their nipples a couple of times. Seriously, try it. It’s a little light hearted fun before you get down to the serious business of the power-browse. But don’t think about doing anything more than a flick of the nipple. If there is tongue-to-nipple contact, you may find yourself being escorted out by security. Just saying.
When you’ve finished manhandling the male models, take a deep breath, put your head down and charge in. There are only three things anyone ever wants from Abercrombie; a hoodie, a tank top and some sort of sweat pant with something random written across the ass. Find these things, pick the right colours, pay and get out. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not even attempt to try anything on. You’ll be waiting in line till next Christmas.
Additional tactics that may be employed under extreme duress; shin kicking, elbow to the ribs, swift poke of the eyeball, a punch to the windpipe. It’s Christmas, bitches. And you’ve got shopping to do. Don’t let them forget that.
*Next week we take on the giant drug store.
