Things Which Must Stop – The Men's Hairstyle Edition
The Faux Hawk
When I see a guy with this hairstyle, it’s kind of like seeing a dude who still shaves lines in his eyebrow: they still do that?
This style has become the international symbol for ‘wanker’ at this point. You know what’s hard about being a British person abroad? It’s that any trend that’s in North America now, we did in England five years ago. When it originated, this style was called the ‘Hoxton Fin’ because a bunch of dudes from the Hoxton region of East London thought they were hot shit while rocking it. From then, you couldn’t escape it. Every second dude had it; grown men, teens, kids, babies, even David Beckham. But you know what? It’s over now bitches. Retire it asap. Just shave your head already. I’ll even lend you my bikini trim ‘n’ shape to do it if you like.
The Ponytail
If you’re a young guy and you have a ponytail, here’s what you’re putting out to the world: I’m young, I’m (registered) in school (but rarely attend classes) studying botony (abusing my student discount left, right and centre). I spend my weekends (and the rest of my week) drinking excessively, playing Nintendo, avoiding showers and untying and retying my straggly mane in this dumb ass ponytail. I smoke a whole lot of weed and have no goals or aspirations in life. I will only cut this ponytail off when either a) my mother forces me to because I’m an usher at my sister’s wedding or b) my girlfriend, who I met at a comic convention, is threatening to leave me and I don’t want to die alone.
If you’re an old guy and you have a ponytail, here’s what you’re putting out to the world: I’m having a midlife crisis. My red convertible corvette is parked around the corner. I may be balding on top, but there’s still a party going on in the back. I have erectile dysfunction, but hark at my marvelous head of hair!
Either way, chop it off. It looks gross.
The Peroxide Blonde Crop
Fellas, lets face it; dyed peroxide blonde hair can really only be pulled off by gay go go dancers. In fact, any kind of dye, be it highlights, lowlights, semi-demi permanent, rinse out after 10 washes, should really be left to the gays. No chick likes a guy who spends longer than her to get ready and if I ever hear any man I’m with utter the words ‘sorry baby, I can’t meet up today. I have a two o’clock with Fabio to touch up my lowlights’, it might just send me over the edge.
Tags: hair, Lame dudes
