Oh No He Di-ent!
Shocking news folks. John Edwards, the one-time vice presidential hopeful, cheated. And he lied about it. Shocker! So, basically, he’s just a regular dude. (What is shocking, however, is the fact that the National Enquirer wrote a story that wasn’t complete horse shit.)
I have a couple of gripes with Edwards though. I’m not even going to focus on the complete pussy maneuver of finally confessing to the affair on Nightline, on the opening day of the olympics, when everyone was either in bed, or watching some sort of first round air rifle contest, that they didn’t even realise was a sport until they tuned in to Beijing.
Instead, I think Edwards just needs a little re-education on the English language. And I think this will help out the great many other ‘men’ who cheat on their chicks.
John boy – you kept referring to your affair as a ‘mistake’. It was not a mistake. Buying Nacho Cheese flavoured Nachos when you meant to buy Cool Ranch – that’s a mistake. Sticking your penis in a woman other than your wife of 30 years – that’s a calculated decision. At least man-up enough to admit that you were not happy in your marriage, another woman showed you a bit of attention and rather than having an ounce of moral dignity, you chose to be led by your dick into the arms (and various other regions) of another woman. But don’t refer to it as a ‘mistake’.
You also made reference to the fact that ‘being 99% honest was no longer good enough’ and that’s why you finally told the truth. Alright, clearly, we need a little work on percentages here too. For months on end you have categorically denied this affair. So, you weren’t being anywhere close to honest, never mind 99%. You were, however, telling 100% lies. There are no degrees of honesty. Either you tell the truth, or you don’t. You didn’t and over here in the real world, we call that ‘lying’.
To the wife – saying you’re ‘proud of the courage he’s shown in the face of shame’? Bitch, please! Are you kidding me? There is nothing courageous about a man who cheats. It’s the least courageous thing anyone can do. Please don’t give him a pat on the back for being such a good boy when he is completely backed into a corner and has no choice but to admit that he fucked up. Kudos to you for being so ladylike about this whole thing, but I hope to hell you put his nuts in a vice and tightened it behind closed doors.
As for the whole, who-fathered-the-child situation, I think we all know there’s only one man who can settle this: Maury Povich. Maury has found countless babydaddies. Edwards, his wife and the mistress should all go on there. When they put the pictures of the baby and Edwards side by side, Edwards can bitch about how the baby looks nothing like him (because, according to the Maury Povich guest book of logic, all babies must look like their fathers). When Edwards is told he IS the father, the mistress can get all up in his face, screaming how she told him she was right all along. Or if Maury says he IS NOT the father, he can get up, do a dance and a back flip, like the classy guy he is and bitch the mistress out about how he told her so.
Either way, Mr Edwards, you should be counting your lucky stars that your wife, has chosen to spend her remaining time on earth (however long that may be, due to her inoperable breast cancer) sticking by your low life side.
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Tags: affairs, Lame dudes
