Dear White People,
I think it’s time we discussed a difficult topic for us paler skinned people: dancing.
*This doesn’t apply to me, because I can back it up with the best of them, but for all of you who struggle to bust a move, please take note*
What the hell are you doing?!
I don’t understand what happened with the rhythm gene and white people, but it seems to have bypassed a great many of us.
When I go to a club with mostly white people in it, I hesitate to get on the dance floor. It’s like heading right into the eye of a storm. Limbs flailing around here, there and everywhere – it’s a hot mess. I’ve had my toes stamped on, been burnt with cigarettes and almost had my eye gauged out by caucasians lost in the groove. It’s murder on the dance floor, literally.
White girls basically think they’re strippers when they hit the club. Legs akimbo, they’ll roll their hips, shimmy their boobs and feel themselves up like they’re trying to pay college tuition. All of this is, naturally, completely out of time with the music and oblivious to the style of music being played. Given that most of them are in a drunken stupor, that alluring sex kitten look they’re going for is way off point and they end up looking like, well, a drunk girl trying to look sexy. So, mission accomplished, I guess.
White dudes don’t know what the hell is up. They don’t seem to be able to dance with a girl in any way, shape or form. Step 1: hold girl’s hips. Step 2: move in time to the music. There’s not that much room for error there, but a white guy can demolish even the simplest of moves. On the rare occasions a white guy does actually attempt to dance with me at a club, I take a moment to pray to Jesus, Mary and Joseph to bless the dance floor with the power of the Holy Ghost. He’ll grab you and gyrate uncontrollably. I have, on more than one occasion, been on the verge of calling in a medic, convinced that the guy was having some sort of epileptic fit. When all else fails, White Guy will return to the dance moves of yore and bust out a little ‘twist’, ‘mash potato’ or such like, or some kind of partner dance where his dumb ass has you doing the tango to Lil Wayne.
So white people, I don’t know what to suggest. Those of us who were blessed with rhythm and some hot dance stylings have been picking up the slack for you long enough. I’d say a good place to start would be not thinking of music as some sort of instructional video. When House of Pain tells you to ‘Jump Around’, you don’t literally have to do it. If that Flo Rider dude says to ‘Get Low’, you don’t actually have to. And when Usher talks about ‘bending over to the front and touching your toes’, well, I think I speak for everyone when I say, for the love of Christ, please don’t.
Everyone take a breath. Chill out. Try to feel the groove, rather than defecating all over it. And remember, the dance floor was only ever a battle ground in Beat Street.
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Tags: dancing, white people
