Don't Want No Short Man
John McCain can’t win the US presidential election. You know why? Because he’s short. Short men are the worst. Any woman who’s ever dated a short dude knows what I’m talking about.
It’s the Napoleon Syndrome.
Short men have the intense need to prove themselves in any and every way possible. They always have to be right, they always have to be the best and they can never admit fault.
Case in point: George W. Bush. Sure he’s 5’11″, but that’s still short in my book and look how monumentally buggered he made things. He’s like the ambassador of Napoleon Syndrome (actually, I guess that would be Napoleon himself, so Bush can be the second in command, which in itself, would fuck with his Napoleon Syndrome).
But if a guy is 5’9″ or under, the syndrome is intensified to the Nth degree. I used to have a strict policy of never dating anyone under 6’4″. I have let this slide a couple of times. One of the guys was 5’7″ and the other was 5’9″. Both were complete assholes. How asshole-ish were they, I hear you cry? Well, let’s take 5’7″ dude. After I had a hideous experience climbing Mount Fuji in Japan (which involved me not reaching the top due to a powerful storm and me clinging to the side of the mountain, stranded, praying for my dear life), when I relayed the story to 5’7″, his response was ‘I could have reached the top.’ Yeah, that’s right. Not ‘I’m glad you’re OK’ not ‘I’m so sorry you went through that’, just ‘I could have reached the top.’ Good on ya douchbag. I actually really wanted him to reach the top so he could do the world a favor and stay there. 5’9″ dude actually cited my height (also 5’9″) as an issue during the break up. Apparently, he took offense to my penchant for heels. Hatred of heels is always gonna be a deal breaker for me. I’m gonna die in heels bitch, so get with the program or get to stepping. I’m convinced that, in both cases, most of their issues stemmed from their insecurities about their height. My current beau is 6’1″ so doesn’t have any freakish Napoleonesque qualities. And he loves the fact that I wear heels, so I’m safe.
But back to John McCain. He’s 5’7″, so this spells serious trouble for the world. Studies have shown that the majority of head honchos at companies in the US are over 6 feet. And that’s because everyone loves a tall man! The taller, the better. So getting a 5’7″ John McCain in office would just mess with the general order of things. That’s why Obama should get in there. He’s over 6 feet and that’s the American way – tall men make it into positions of power. Let’s keep the short men where they belong. McCain will be too busy organizing arm wrestling matches to prove his manhood to get anything significant done.
And speaking of McCain’s arms – doesn’t he have the shortest arms you’ve ever seen? I mean, freakishly short. Americans, I tell you, this should be a point of concern for you. What if that phone that Hillary keeps talking about rings in the middle of the night? John McCain wouldn’t be able to reach it.
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Tags: mount fuji, napoleon syndrome, short men
