My Most Embarrassing Moment
And there’ve been many, but I outdid myself with this one.
Back in England, fresh from living in New York, I’d been catching up on all the girly gossip with my friend, B. She told me that a good friend of hers, E, who we’d gone to sixth form with, was pregnant. Or at least, that’s what I thought she’d told me.
A couple of days later, I was at my friend Sim Simma’s surprise birthday party. My best friend was there, along with my newly born godson. I was holding the lil’ fella while everyone in sight cooed over him. B’s friend E was also at the party and came over to greet the newborn.
She was there with her boyfriend and looked about seven months pregnant. As I only know E in passing, I have very little to talk to her about. So, (very stupidly, on reflection) I decided to kick off a convo with the information B had given me.
“Hey, congrats, B told me you were pregnant,” I say, nodding towards her protruding belly.
“No I’m not,” she said smiling.
I laughed, thinking she was joking, as it was so obvious she was with child. No one else at the table said anything. E stood there, shaking her head. Was it meant to be a secret or something? As what seemed like minutes of painfully awkward silence passed, I realized she really wasn’t pregnant. She’d just put on a load of weight.
Oh Jesus.
Eventually, someone broke the silence and struck up a conversation with E to distract her from my hugely offensive comment.
I sat there for a few minutes, cradling the baby, mentally kicking myself for that biggest of faux pas. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
I handed the baby back to my best friend and signaled to my Mum that it was time to go. We walked down the stairs in silence and out the door. I checked behind us to make sure no one was there.
“Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh my GOD!” I muttered burying my face in my hands.
“It’s alright,” Mama said, giving me a pat on the back.
“Was that as bad as it sounded?”
“Yes.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem. Get in the car.”
As soon as we drove away from the scene of the crime, my cell phone rang. It was B.
‘I never told you E was pregnant!” She screeched.
“You did, I swear you did! Why would I say that if you didn’t tell me that?!”
“No – I didn’t say she’s pregnant, I said she’s getting married!”
I paused for a moment.
“Is she getting married because she’s pregnant? Because she looks pretty damn pregnant.”
The moral of the story is: never ask someone if they’re up the duff unless you actually see them crowning.
