51 Things You Should Know About Me

1. I believe that any problem, no matter how big, can be solved over a good cup of tea.

2. I have a completely irrational fear of mobiles that hang over babies’ beds, wind chimes, things that go round and round in circles and toys that play music on repeat.

3. I can’t stand people who wear sunglasses in nightclubs. Just literally stick your head up your ass instead.

4. I don’t care what you tell me, Formula 1 is not a sport. Any old fat bastard can get in a car and drive in circles.

5. If you’re a man and you’re 6’4” and over – I’m pretty much instantly attracted to you.

6. I love living in different places, but I miss my family and friends like crazy.

7. You & I by Stevie Wonder is my favorite song of all time and I cry pretty much every time I hear it.

8. I hate seeing people bite their nails. It’s a filthy habit. Cannibals in the making.

9. I interviewed Amy Winehouse before she was the cracked-out, smacked-out mess she is now.

10. I’m not a fan of doctors and never take prescription or over-the-counter medications.

11. Seeing anyone over the age of 30 chew gum kind of makes me cringe.

12. I can’t drive and I have no real desire to learn.

13. I’m a prime candidate for skin cancer and am very paranoid about getting it.

14. I absolutely cannot abide lateness. If someone is more than 15 minutes late to meet me, I will leave.

15. I hate the word ‘luncheon’.

16. I love the word ‘smorgasbord’ but never use it.

17. I will never understand the fascination with Madonna or Kylie Minogue. Both are distinctly average in every sense.

18. I think adults who watch cartoons, play video games and read Harry Potter need to get a grip.

19. Women who fight have no class whatsoever and should be made to hand their vaginas in to the nearest police station.

20. That dude from Law & Order: Criminal Intent scares the bejesus out of me.

21. I hate the sound of people walking in flip-flops. I also hate the sound of bagpipes. If I ever see a bagpiper wearing flip-flops, it might just send me over the edge.

22. I’ve broken my left arm twice and been hit by a car. On each occasion, my mother tried to heal me by sticking a pack of frozen peas on the injury.

23. I think any injury (with the exception of broken bones) can be cured by a pack of frozen peas.

24. The only things I’ve ever won are £5 for a word search contest in my local paper when I was 9 and a few medals for Irish dancing, also when I was 9. It was a good year.

25. I want to bitch slap anyone who types like this; Hi, how r u. wot r u up 2 2day? Grow the hell up and write a normal sentence.

26. I’m not fond of people between the ages of 13 and 18. Generally speaking – they’re all twats.

27. I don’t drink alcohol. There’s no reason for this. I just don’t.

28. I hate horror movies. I’m a big baby. I thought The Sixth Sense was scary.

29. I think people who wear Ugg boots or Crocs should be fined substantial amounts of money. Seriously.

30. I love my Mac computer and I’m a complete Mac snob.

31. When I retire, I’d like to open a bookstore.

32. I’m not a money-motivated person at all (which probably explains why I’m constantly broke). I have no desire to be filthy rich. I just don’t want to have to choose between paying the rent and eating.

33. I want to have lived on every continent (with the exception of Australia and Antarctica ‘cause, really, who cares about those?). I only have South America and Africa left and I’m coming for those bad boys soon.

34. I’ve only ever had one pet; a cat called Mojo AKA ‘The Chubbs’. We had her for 18 years and I cried like a baby the day we had to put her down.

35. I think every dispute should be settled with a dance off.

36. I wish I’d been alive in the 1920s.

37. I’m happiest when I’m with my parents and brother, talking and eating a nice dinner.

38. I’m most at home when lost in the crowd in a big metropolis.

39. If there are bugs within 50 miles of me, they will hunt me down and bite me. Guaranteed.

40. I think you should always look someone in the eye when talking to them (unless you’re driving, in which case, I’d appreciate it if you kept your eyes on the road).

41. I have freakishly pale skin. When I ‘tan’, I just go the color of regular white people.

42. My parents are the coolest people I know. If they weren’t my parents, I’d want to be friends with them.

43. I’ll always prefer getting a letter in the mail to an email in my inbox.

44. I love old people and always make time to listen to their stories.

45. I’m a stickler for grammar and find it intensely irritating when people make simple spelling mistakes or confuse their, there and they’re.

46. I love it when someone makes me laugh till my face aches.

47. I’m a picky eater.

48. I wish guys would realize sometime soon that ‘are you a model?’ is the lamest pick up line ever uttered.

49. I feel naked if I don’t wear earrings.

50. There’s no excuse for a visible panty line.

51. I love to dance and all through my teen years it was my dream to turn professional. Every now and then, I wish I’d followed through.

Welcome to NAA (Non-Alcoholics Anonymous)